Custody Battle Could Have Repercussions at Family Get-Togethers

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently gained custody of my younger half-brother after a nasty legal battle with my father and stepmother. While we abhor what led to this, we are delighted my brother is in our home and our lives. With the exception of his parents, so is everyone else in our families.

My brother will be coming with us to family gatherings that include my dad and stepmother. Most of the family is not privy to the circumstances that led to this situation, and I'm sure questions will come up. My brother has PTSD from it, and talking about it right now is difficult for him. He's in therapy and receiving help, but how can we dissuade potentially upsetting questions without things being weird? -- PROTECTIVE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: A way to accomplish it would be to have a private talk with your relatives before these events. Explain what happened and that your brother is receiving help but is in too much pain right now to answer any questions, which is why you prefer the subject not be mentioned.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/1/19/1/custody-battle-could-have-repercussions-at

Edit: Somebody in the comments at Uexpress is claiming they sent the letter and that it was badly mangled at an editor's hands, that they're visiting unrelated inlaws and not, of course, the abusive parents nor that side of the family. Obviously I don't know if this really is the same person, but gosh I sure hope so.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/1/19/1/custody-battle-could-have-repercussions-at#comment-4762976734

Comments

[conuly]

Alternative suggestion: Do not ask your brother to attend gatherings where he will encounter his abusers.

[delight]

Right? I feel like letting him stay home (whether or not he is old enough to do so alone) is the answer unless the brother wants to attend this stuff.

[raine]

I swear sometimes Dear Abby leaves out the obvious answer of "don't subject your traumatized relative to the people who abused him'.

[conuly]

Happily, it looks like where Abby screwed up is in improperly editing the letter: https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/1/19/1/custody-battle-could-have-repercussions-at#comment-4762976734

[raine]

Well, I sure hope that's the case because otherwise it makes zero sense what Abby advises.

[lannamichaels]

Yes. I am deeply confused at why -- after having a nasty legal battle to gain custody -- they are then going to socialize with them. What do they think will happen at these social gatherings? Why are they doing this???

[conuly]

New info: Somebody in the comments at Uexpress is claiming they sent the letter and that it was badly mangled at an editor's hands, that they're visiting unrelated inlaws and not, of course, the abusive parents nor that side of the family. Obviously I don't know if this really is the same person, but gosh I sure hope so.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/1/19/1/custody-battle-could-have-repercussions-at#comment-4762976734

[melannen]

I think it's likely - the letter as printed really doesn't make sense, since it seems to simultaneously say the relatives all supported them in the custody battle, and the relatives know nothing about the custody battle. If it's two different sets of relatives it suddenly makes a lot more sense ( in more ways than one!)

[lemonsharks]

Abby fails at advice-giving once again.

Here's what the LW needs to know: Their brother's safety is more important than seeing relatives. Their brother's safety is more important than the comfort of those relatives wrt "drama" or "awkwardness". Their brother's safety is more important than what the rest of the family thinks about them and their husband.

LW should tell their family two things:

1) The entire situation surrounding Brother coming to live with us was painful and distressing. As a result of that, we have a strict no parents policy. We do not want to see them or to be in the same place where they are. Please do not invite them to any event where you invite us. If you do, we will leave.

1.5) And then leave if parents are present. Express disappointment to the hosts a day or two after the event concludes.

2) Because the entire situation was painful, please don't say anything about it unless Brother brings it up first. We want to focus on making new, happy memories--not dwelling on bad ones.

2.5) And shut those conversations down with scripted replies such as, "Wow, what a weird/awkward/invasive question to ask. So, about that Local Sports Team!" Enable Brother to shut those conversations down as well, should they show up while he's on his own, and back him up in any subsequent pushback he receives, including leaving the event.

[conuly]

New info: It may be the case that the LW was misrepresented here due to bad editing/consensing

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/1/19/1/custody-battle-could-have-repercussions-at#comment-4762976734

[lemonsharks]

Thank GOODNESS.

[beable]

Holy forking shitballs,

If I was the LW, I would be so angry at the way it was edited for publication.