Dear Abby: Past Sexcapades

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. He recently mentioned that when he was younger (19), he had a threesome (two guys, one girl).

We are both over 35, so I realize this happened many years ago, but the fact that it was two guys is hard for me. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I keep seeing the images.

I try to tell myself my boyfriend is a different man today than the teen he was. I don't understand why it's bothering me so much. How can I find a way to get past this? Please give me some direction. -- CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD

DEAR CAN'T: I respect your boyfriend's honesty and openness. Because you can't get this out of your head, talk further with him about his youthful escapade. If your concern is that your boyfriend is interested in having sex with other men, ask him that question. It occurs to me that when two horny teenage boys found one willing girl, that they may not have been as interested in having sex with each other as they were with her.

Comments

[cereta]

A number of the commenters at the column site brought up the question of how this came up in conversation and why the boyfriend mentioned it now. This is just my gut, but I suspect that if he were in any way hinting that he wanted to repeat the experience, the LW would have mentioned that. If that's the case, I'm not sure it really matters how it came up. I could be wrong, however.

I'm not really thrilled with Abby's "teenage boys will go along with anything if it gets them sex with a girl" assumption, and I wish she's pushed a little harder on the LW to examine her own reaction. I can't really fault the core of the advice (if you can't just get over it, talk about it with him). I'm curious to know what others think.

[recessional]

....yeah I gotta say I have an immediate negative reaction to LW: "I keep seeing the images" so SPECIFICALLY mentioned as a problem translates, in my experience, to "ew ew ew teh GAYZ! Gay cooties!"

Also . . .why wouldn't it come up? *puzzled* Sorry but I'd actually like to KNOW my partner's sexual history, two years is a totally reasonable (to me) span of time to get comfortable enough to start sharing less mainstream things, and why does it matter? Except of course it DOES, because let's run towards the biphobic trope of "BUT WHAT IF HE WANTS MORE SEX FROM THE MENZ OH NOES".

I am also super unimpressed by the last comment from Abby, on like every level.

*GRUMP*

[cereta]

Also . . .why wouldn't it come up?

That is a valid response. I was bothered by how much people were focusing on that, but couldn't quite sort out why. I think it was tripping a couple of points: the biphobia you mention, and also the tendency of commenters to get hung up on some largely irrelevant detail as an excuse for not digging into the prickly issues (see: #1, biphobia).

[minoanmiss]

I am so tired of these tropes.

(I should comment more sympathetically, but... I am so tired of people freaking out over partners' past sexual history, and over same-sex contact, and Abby's last comment in all its ickiness.)

[azurelunatic]

Look lady, if what you're worried about is did he have buttsex at one point in time, ask him did he have buttsex at one point in time.

Also, buttsex is not the devil. Many people can enjoy it, not just the gayz! Ask your doctor if buttsex is on the table for you.