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Carolyn Hax: If you want overprotective parents to trust you, don’t roll your eyes
Dear Carolyn: My brother and sister-in-law had their first baby 18 months ago. She's super cute and I'd love to spend time with her. Except they haven't left her, except for two hours one day last year, AT ALL. No grandparents' babysitting, no date nights, no fun aunt time, etc.
This obviously sounds exhausting and not at all healthy for anyone involved.
So far, I've played into their requests and spend time with her whenever I can, with them. But it's hard to bond with a kid when she knows her better choice is right there hovering over her, and I'm kind of over it. The last straw was asking whether I would watch her at the mall while they got their hair cut. I'm 40, not a 13-year-old kid, I'm not going to watch her at the mall.
Any suggestions on how I can deal with them and have a better attitude so that I can at least see my niece? I had grand ideas of being able to take her for overnights once a year or so, like my aunt did with me starting at 2. At the very least I had grand ideas of being able to babysit her while her parents went out to dinner. My annoyance with my brother and SIL is making me not want to see them at all.
— Annoyed
Annoyed: Well that’s about as self-defeating a turn as I’ve seen a problem take.
I’m not unsympathetic. Watching people overprotect a child, which it sounds as if they’re doing, brings out a visceral response for some reason. I think it’s partly based in rational, villager concerns about the potential harm in limiting a child’s experience, which may not be an issue at 18 months but will become one if this continues — and about instilling in a child a fear-first worldview.
I think part of it, too, is the implied insult; even you, a loving middle-aged auntie, are with the rest of humankind on the Do Not Trust list? Really?
But no matter how valid the issues you take with these parents, they get the last word here — and the first and middle ones, too.
And, ironically, the more you resist or eye-roll their parenting judgment, the more you affirm — to them — their wisdom in maintaining a strict two-person child-rearing advisory board.
Time will crack this open eventually, of course. But you’ll make room for yourself sooner if you keep proving your value and keep minding their rules. Of course you’ll stroll the mall with their kid while they get haircuts. Because you’re not the reason they’re distrustful, they are. Of course you’ll come hang out with the child at their home. Respect their right to these rules if not the substance of them.
And while we’re here: Of course you won’t press for overnights, because even many relaxed parents would say no at 2 (or 5 or _) for all kinds of reasons. Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean it suits everyone.
So. Back those expectations down to nothing, and your hopes to this: time with your niece.
That boosts your chance of being trusted when they rethink their “trust no one” stance — or of being the child’s badly needed outlet if the clamps stay on.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/carolyn-hax-if-you-want-overprotective-parents-to-trust-you-dont-roll-your-eyes/2020/01/14/f29ff394-33f2-11ea-a053-dc6d944ba776_story.html
This obviously sounds exhausting and not at all healthy for anyone involved.
So far, I've played into their requests and spend time with her whenever I can, with them. But it's hard to bond with a kid when she knows her better choice is right there hovering over her, and I'm kind of over it. The last straw was asking whether I would watch her at the mall while they got their hair cut. I'm 40, not a 13-year-old kid, I'm not going to watch her at the mall.
Any suggestions on how I can deal with them and have a better attitude so that I can at least see my niece? I had grand ideas of being able to take her for overnights once a year or so, like my aunt did with me starting at 2. At the very least I had grand ideas of being able to babysit her while her parents went out to dinner. My annoyance with my brother and SIL is making me not want to see them at all.
— Annoyed
Annoyed: Well that’s about as self-defeating a turn as I’ve seen a problem take.
I’m not unsympathetic. Watching people overprotect a child, which it sounds as if they’re doing, brings out a visceral response for some reason. I think it’s partly based in rational, villager concerns about the potential harm in limiting a child’s experience, which may not be an issue at 18 months but will become one if this continues — and about instilling in a child a fear-first worldview.
I think part of it, too, is the implied insult; even you, a loving middle-aged auntie, are with the rest of humankind on the Do Not Trust list? Really?
But no matter how valid the issues you take with these parents, they get the last word here — and the first and middle ones, too.
And, ironically, the more you resist or eye-roll their parenting judgment, the more you affirm — to them — their wisdom in maintaining a strict two-person child-rearing advisory board.
Time will crack this open eventually, of course. But you’ll make room for yourself sooner if you keep proving your value and keep minding their rules. Of course you’ll stroll the mall with their kid while they get haircuts. Because you’re not the reason they’re distrustful, they are. Of course you’ll come hang out with the child at their home. Respect their right to these rules if not the substance of them.
And while we’re here: Of course you won’t press for overnights, because even many relaxed parents would say no at 2 (or 5 or _) for all kinds of reasons. Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean it suits everyone.
So. Back those expectations down to nothing, and your hopes to this: time with your niece.
That boosts your chance of being trusted when they rethink their “trust no one” stance — or of being the child’s badly needed outlet if the clamps stay on.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/carolyn-hax-if-you-want-overprotective-parents-to-trust-you-dont-roll-your-eyes/2020/01/14/f29ff394-33f2-11ea-a053-dc6d944ba776_story.html
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I want to forward this letter on to Bro and tell him not to let Sis watch his kid unsupervised.
It is NOT "obviously" exhausting and/or unhealthy not to have left the kid with a relative at the advanced age of 18 months - and while I appreciate that plenty of people have overnight visits as toddlers, it's not amazingly overprotective to wait until the kid can speak fluently to start those either, just FYI. If all the relatives are like this, I wouldn't let them watch my toddler either!
As for "I'm not gonna watch the kid at the mall like some kid" - listen, lady, you're acting like a kid. Grow the hell up.
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I would absolutely want to watch how someone interacted with my child for a while before leaving them in charge of them; it might well be that LW's attitude during her visits has quietly cemented the Not Happening feeling.
And I don't think I spent a night away from either of my children until they were each well over 18 months (and both 'first times' weren't entirely by choice either).
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Yup. It's disgustingly entitled and selfish. This is a human child we're talking about, not a doll - and for that matter, you're not entitled to play with other people's dolls either.
it might well be that LW's attitude during her visits has quietly cemented the Not Happening feeling.
That's what I'm thinking. I also suspect that Bro doesn't have as many happy memories of being babysat and enjoying these overnight visits with Auntie as LW does. If he didn't like it as much as she did, no wonder he wants to wait a little.
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And overall the response isn't too bad, but playing into the idea that just the simple fact that they haven't had to get a babysitter by 18 months is somehow 'overprotective' is... YIKES.
Also: it could well be that SIL thinks that because they've noticed her attitude and are never leaving the kid alone with her, whereas some other, more trustworthy adults progressed from watching the kid during haircuts to keeping it for several hours at a time while someone got lunch.
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but. perhaps bc something that happened in my family it is ringing some alarm bells for me. the parents in my family decided early on not to allow anyone to touch their kids. This moved to no one was allowed to babysit them. They are not allowed to be alone with any family member without a parent present. Then eventually both kids were not allowed to go to school. The kids are now 12 and 10. Over xmas break it appeared to us that the kids are totally in fear of their mom. The mom had a screaming match (with herself actually) and everyone had to leave.. the kids were obviously terrified and their dad was like "we have to do what she says when she is like this" As a family we had often talked about how strange it was the restrictions the parents created, but in the interest of "the parents get to make the decisions for their family and we should all follow their lead" Now the whole family has no idea what to do in what obviously looks like a very bad situation.
I am still let the parents make their own decisions for their family. But since this happened to recently in my family and since we still have no idea *what to do* I almost see LW side. Almost.
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Yeah, situations like this are why I included the abuse caveat. Meep.
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