(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My sister-in-law had minor surgery.

I made a few frozen casserole "comfort food" dishes for her and my brother-in-law to consume during her recovery.

Generally, it is acknowledged that I am a good cook.

When I next saw them, they returned one of the casseroles, saying that it is a dish that they don't care for. I know that it is something they eat.

Am I wrong to think it would have been kinder to simply regift the dish, or simply dispose of it, rather than returning it to me?

-- Casserolled

Dear Casserolled: Because a casserole is a word describing both a baked dish and also the dish it is baked in, I take it that this dish was returned to you, food intact.

I agree with you that this is strange, and rude. This was a kind and generous gesture on your part. When receiving gifts of food, there is no rule that this food must be consumed and enjoyed, but the dish (sans food) should be returned, clean, and the giver should be thanked.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2314021?fs

Comments

[cynthia1960]

Succinct answer.

[minoanmiss]

Oh man yes. I stopped attending a group because of this (and some other issues, such as that the person who Makes Things Happen in the group turned out to be loudly against President Obama and most else I believe in -- supposedly liberal fandom can be surprisingly illiberal, but I digress). I couldn't attend a particular meeting but I sent a couple of casseroles with my roommates who did attend. And they sent them back. And I cried, so hard. ETA The dishes included no one's allergens, were labeled with ingredients, and were things people in the group had eaten cheerfully at other meetings.

In general I don't understand why people think it's appropriate to hand a gift back and say, "I don't like this," except with people close enough to need that kind of information on one's tastes (and even then be tactful and appreciative!) One can always regift, donate, or quietly dispose of the item. On the other hand of course, inquiring about the destination of a gift is also awful; I don't approve of people saying "Where's the tchotchke I gave you?" on their next visit. That makes receiving gifts stressful and dreadful and is IMO utterly rude.

I appear to be opinionated today. And/or avoiding work.

[minoanmiss]

OMG I am horrified in turn on your behalf for having to deal with your niece's ingratitude and her parents' refusal to parent! Augh! I hope she learns better, and not too painfully.

[amireal]

Okay so I'm with everyone about it being rude to return a gift. BUT. It gets weird when it's food. I know some people HATE to waste food, it's an anathema. And I can see a line of thought where the person goes "I'm not going to eat this but it shouldn't go to waste" and choose the worst possible option for solving that problem, i.e. returning the gift to the giver.

I'm not saying it's the right choice, just that it's possible because it was food, it changed the internal logic a bit.