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Dear Prudie: husband just takes off
Been trying to catch up on some of the columnists lately. Here's one from a Prudence chat.
Q. My Husband Did a Disappearing Act: Six weeks ago my husband of almost three years took off. I came home from work to find him standing in the kitchen with a suitcase, saying that it was nothing personal but he needed to get away for a while, and then he left. I didn’t hear from him or see him for five weeks. I was hurt but I was also frantic with worry. I thought we were very happy, and this came completely out of the blue. He didn’t go to work (they said he’d taken a leave of absence), hadn’t spoken to any of our friends about this, and his parents claimed he wasn’t in touch with them. He came back last Thursday. He refuses to answer any questions about where he was and what he was doing. He is also a little angry with me for “involving” our friends and family in “his” personal business. I am torn between thinking that he was having some kind of crisis and thinking that he’s spent the last five and half weeks with another woman. Now that he’s home, he seems to want me to forget this ever happened and pick up right where we left off. I have told him that he needs to tell me where he’s been and what he’s done, or he can leave again. He says he’s not talking about it anymore and is not going anywhere. What should I do?
A: Unless he can introduce you to his CIA case officer, who explains you can’t be privy to the details of his mission, you have a huge problem. What he did is a gross violation. Maybe he was shacked up with someone else, maybe he was involved in some kind of crooked enterprise, maybe he was going cold turkey. But whatever was happening, what he did, and his attitude toward you, are inexcusable. He reappears and is pissed that you tried to find out where your husband was? This is the kind of thing that makes people reassess the words husband and wife. There’s no way you can just pick up and go on, wondering if any day may be the next day you come home and he’s holding his suitcase telling you “it’s nothing personal”—nice touch, that! If he won’t tell you what was going on, and won’t go to a counselor with you, then go by yourself. You tell him he has put your marriage in jeopardy, you’re not simply going to pretend this didn’t happen, and you have to do some serious thinking about your future.
Q. My Husband Did a Disappearing Act: Six weeks ago my husband of almost three years took off. I came home from work to find him standing in the kitchen with a suitcase, saying that it was nothing personal but he needed to get away for a while, and then he left. I didn’t hear from him or see him for five weeks. I was hurt but I was also frantic with worry. I thought we were very happy, and this came completely out of the blue. He didn’t go to work (they said he’d taken a leave of absence), hadn’t spoken to any of our friends about this, and his parents claimed he wasn’t in touch with them. He came back last Thursday. He refuses to answer any questions about where he was and what he was doing. He is also a little angry with me for “involving” our friends and family in “his” personal business. I am torn between thinking that he was having some kind of crisis and thinking that he’s spent the last five and half weeks with another woman. Now that he’s home, he seems to want me to forget this ever happened and pick up right where we left off. I have told him that he needs to tell me where he’s been and what he’s done, or he can leave again. He says he’s not talking about it anymore and is not going anywhere. What should I do?
A: Unless he can introduce you to his CIA case officer, who explains you can’t be privy to the details of his mission, you have a huge problem. What he did is a gross violation. Maybe he was shacked up with someone else, maybe he was involved in some kind of crooked enterprise, maybe he was going cold turkey. But whatever was happening, what he did, and his attitude toward you, are inexcusable. He reappears and is pissed that you tried to find out where your husband was? This is the kind of thing that makes people reassess the words husband and wife. There’s no way you can just pick up and go on, wondering if any day may be the next day you come home and he’s holding his suitcase telling you “it’s nothing personal”—nice touch, that! If he won’t tell you what was going on, and won’t go to a counselor with you, then go by yourself. You tell him he has put your marriage in jeopardy, you’re not simply going to pretend this didn’t happen, and you have to do some serious thinking about your future.
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I want to see the aftermath. What happens next? Does she ever found out where he went? Does she throw him out of the house?
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And it occurs to me: this reads like the beginning of a Mary Higgins Clark novel.
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I mean clinically. This is something someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder would do.
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The sad part is, I suspect he could have avoided this just by saying, "Honey, I'm going through some rough stuff emotionally, and I promise I will talk to you about all of it. However, I need some time to myself to figure them out. It's not about our marriage, and I will contact you regularly to let you know I'm okay, but please give me this time."
Of course, that assumes he WAS trying to sort some stuff out and not having a vacay with his mistress or carrying out an assassination for the mob or something. And I'm not particularly persuaded that there weren't serious shenanigans going on.
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I mean, I grew up in a family where this sort of thing regularly happened on a small scale. Someone takes off for a few days, comes back, stolidly acts like they were never gone and that the person asking where they went is the one being unreasonable. Rest of the family dysfunctionally plays along to avoid drama.
But five weeks? Five weeks and then having the glands to go on the offensive like the LW was out of line for involving his family and friends? I cannot imagine any situation where this is a relationship worth saving.
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Otherwise, yeah, marriage ender. My partner comes from a family where much lesser versions of this kind of thing have played out, and even milder versions of that game don't seem to go away. What happens next time? A year? Declared dead? Is she allowed to worry or contact third parties then?
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Also, the letter is short but it sounds like he didn't specify how long it would be either except maybe to his workplace (which he was angry that they contacted). Bad enough to be "hey, I'm outta here fur five weeks bye now", but indefinitely?
They don't mention this — maybe they had some reason they haven't explained to know he was OK health wise, I'd guess probably that this is not so out of character as the LW says — but if my husband disappeared without planning other than to alert work, after about the 24th hour at the latest I'd have been personally expecting and trying to intervene in a self harm situation and by the time he reappeared FIVE WEEKS LATER I would have been all but sure. So you know, that would be pretty unforgivable too.
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Except he didn't just show up five weeks later like nothing was wrong, he ended up at his parents' house (interstate) and soon after that in inpatient care. But it started the same way.
I would definitely be wondering about the LW's husband's mental health.
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