Anger and Grief Causing Rift
Dear Annie: Since I was a little girl, I've always known I wanted to be a mother. Now, as a woman in her late 20s, and after four failed embryo transfers through IVF, that dream seems less and less a reality. My husband and I shared our news of infertility with his sister and her husband after they had spoken with us about their own inability to conceive.
A few months later they shocked us all with the news that they were pregnant after they stopped all fertility treatments and "quit trying." I felt like I had been punched in the gut but managed to quietly congratulate them, and left in a panic. I fell apart that day. Of course, everyone whispered and wondered why we left in such a hurry (and I think they told people). I was absolutely inconsolable in my grief.
Why would they shock me with this news, knowing what I have gone through? In front of everyone! Why would they not allow me the grace to handle their news in private? Why would they be so cruel?
Fast-forward to a year and a half later, and our relationship remains in tatters. I've seen them all maybe once, avoided get-togethers and holidays completely. I'm very hurt and angry with them still. I'm angry because they have disclosed our private matters with others and because they sprang their news on me with complete disregard to my feelings.
I have gone through all the phases of grief and am now healing on my own terms, but I feel that my relationship with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law is irreparable. Should I let them in on why I have avoided them?
I'm sure they already know but just don't care enough about our relationship to attempt to make amends. I haven't directly addressed the issue in fear of the resulting family drama that may ensue, which would only exacerbate my pain. I don't know how I should approach this problem or if I should just leave it be and keep avoiding them like I've been doing. I suppose the answer lies in the question of how much I valued their relationship to begin with. I need an outsider's opinion. -- Bitter
Dear Bitter: It is completely understandable that you feel hurt, grief-stricken and jealous when anyone, let alone your sister-in-law and brother-in-law, conceive a healthy baby. Going through four rounds of failed IVF can be traumatic, and you have to be kind to yourself. The way to do that is to be honest and open with your grief to your husband and a good therapist.
Although it seems insensitive that your in-laws announced their happy news in front of you and other people, entertain for a moment that they were not thinking about you at all. In fact, they were thinking about how happy they were and wanted to share it with you -- someone they care for. Try to forgive their insensitivity. They don't understand the pain and depths of your grief. The comment about how they just "quit trying" clearly struck you. If it were that easy, then a lot more people in this world would not be struggling with infertility. However, perhaps it was meant to be a spark of hope rather than a stab to the heart.
Try to forgive them and realize that they did not hurt you intentionally. The decision to let them in or avoid them is up to you. You have a nephew or niece that could benefit from all the love you have to give. But first, focus on loving yourself and keeping faith alive that you will be a mother one day.
My guess is that once you do that, you will have a much easier time letting your family in again. Best of luck to you and your family.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2311911
A few months later they shocked us all with the news that they were pregnant after they stopped all fertility treatments and "quit trying." I felt like I had been punched in the gut but managed to quietly congratulate them, and left in a panic. I fell apart that day. Of course, everyone whispered and wondered why we left in such a hurry (and I think they told people). I was absolutely inconsolable in my grief.
Why would they shock me with this news, knowing what I have gone through? In front of everyone! Why would they not allow me the grace to handle their news in private? Why would they be so cruel?
Fast-forward to a year and a half later, and our relationship remains in tatters. I've seen them all maybe once, avoided get-togethers and holidays completely. I'm very hurt and angry with them still. I'm angry because they have disclosed our private matters with others and because they sprang their news on me with complete disregard to my feelings.
I have gone through all the phases of grief and am now healing on my own terms, but I feel that my relationship with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law is irreparable. Should I let them in on why I have avoided them?
I'm sure they already know but just don't care enough about our relationship to attempt to make amends. I haven't directly addressed the issue in fear of the resulting family drama that may ensue, which would only exacerbate my pain. I don't know how I should approach this problem or if I should just leave it be and keep avoiding them like I've been doing. I suppose the answer lies in the question of how much I valued their relationship to begin with. I need an outsider's opinion. -- Bitter
Dear Bitter: It is completely understandable that you feel hurt, grief-stricken and jealous when anyone, let alone your sister-in-law and brother-in-law, conceive a healthy baby. Going through four rounds of failed IVF can be traumatic, and you have to be kind to yourself. The way to do that is to be honest and open with your grief to your husband and a good therapist.
Although it seems insensitive that your in-laws announced their happy news in front of you and other people, entertain for a moment that they were not thinking about you at all. In fact, they were thinking about how happy they were and wanted to share it with you -- someone they care for. Try to forgive their insensitivity. They don't understand the pain and depths of your grief. The comment about how they just "quit trying" clearly struck you. If it were that easy, then a lot more people in this world would not be struggling with infertility. However, perhaps it was meant to be a spark of hope rather than a stab to the heart.
Try to forgive them and realize that they did not hurt you intentionally. The decision to let them in or avoid them is up to you. You have a nephew or niece that could benefit from all the love you have to give. But first, focus on loving yourself and keeping faith alive that you will be a mother one day.
My guess is that once you do that, you will have a much easier time letting your family in again. Best of luck to you and your family.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2311911
no subject
After the fact I apologized for freaking out about that with her, especially knowing the struggles she's been having. She replied "One of the things that I've learned through this process is that you can't take your frustration about your own fertility issues out on other people. It's not productive or healthy to be jealous if someone else is pregnant - you have to be happy if the baby is wanted or supportive if it isn't, because you want to treat others the way that you hope they'll treat you." It's unfortunate that the letter writer doesn't feel the same way.
no subject
no subject
no subject
Despite my own struggles with fertility at the time, I was very, very happy when my sister became pregnant at the same time. I was also very, very grateful that my mother took a few minutes to tell me in private before I had to be around the whole family absorbing the news. It let me process my less-than-positive feelings and be happy about having another niecelette.
I also cringed when the phrase "quit trying" came up. There's a lot of baggage around that phrase, much of it implicitly blaming the infertile couple, and it's one that we hear a lot.
I'm not saying the LW is being fair or rational in letting this go on for more than a day. But I understand the feelings. It's really easy to say, "it's not about you" when so much of your life is wrapped up in that exact issue.
no subject
But...a year and a half! If this is still weighing on the LW this much I feel like it's not even about the thing that happened anymore--what care, or tools, or space to process and feel has the LW needed and not been getting for the past year and a half? is my question at this stage.
no subject
no subject
no subject
Is LW's response excessive? Yes. Should she talk to a professional? Probably. Are her feelings understandable? Oh hell yes. But she needs to fix this, which is going to suck. Maybe going through her husband, because the in-laws are liable to be in their own world of raw nerve with having a new baby in the house.
no subject
Between that and her feelings about them apparently/supposedly disclosing info about her infertility...like, there's a lot of cultural control on fertility-related grief and its expression, and a lot of shame on folks experiencing infertility, and going through rough times and feeling like you have to keep it a secret and can't let people see just makes everything so much harder. I really hope the good therapist part of this advice comes through in helpful ways for this LW.
no subject