conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2020-01-10 12:32 am

Anger and Grief Causing Rift

Dear Annie: Since I was a little girl, I've always known I wanted to be a mother. Now, as a woman in her late 20s, and after four failed embryo transfers through IVF, that dream seems less and less a reality. My husband and I shared our news of infertility with his sister and her husband after they had spoken with us about their own inability to conceive.

A few months later they shocked us all with the news that they were pregnant after they stopped all fertility treatments and "quit trying." I felt like I had been punched in the gut but managed to quietly congratulate them, and left in a panic. I fell apart that day. Of course, everyone whispered and wondered why we left in such a hurry (and I think they told people). I was absolutely inconsolable in my grief.

Why would they shock me with this news, knowing what I have gone through? In front of everyone! Why would they not allow me the grace to handle their news in private? Why would they be so cruel?

Fast-forward to a year and a half later, and our relationship remains in tatters. I've seen them all maybe once, avoided get-togethers and holidays completely. I'm very hurt and angry with them still. I'm angry because they have disclosed our private matters with others and because they sprang their news on me with complete disregard to my feelings.

I have gone through all the phases of grief and am now healing on my own terms, but I feel that my relationship with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law is irreparable. Should I let them in on why I have avoided them?

I'm sure they already know but just don't care enough about our relationship to attempt to make amends. I haven't directly addressed the issue in fear of the resulting family drama that may ensue, which would only exacerbate my pain. I don't know how I should approach this problem or if I should just leave it be and keep avoiding them like I've been doing. I suppose the answer lies in the question of how much I valued their relationship to begin with. I need an outsider's opinion. -- Bitter


Dear Bitter: It is completely understandable that you feel hurt, grief-stricken and jealous when anyone, let alone your sister-in-law and brother-in-law, conceive a healthy baby. Going through four rounds of failed IVF can be traumatic, and you have to be kind to yourself. The way to do that is to be honest and open with your grief to your husband and a good therapist.

Although it seems insensitive that your in-laws announced their happy news in front of you and other people, entertain for a moment that they were not thinking about you at all. In fact, they were thinking about how happy they were and wanted to share it with you -- someone they care for. Try to forgive their insensitivity. They don't understand the pain and depths of your grief. The comment about how they just "quit trying" clearly struck you. If it were that easy, then a lot more people in this world would not be struggling with infertility. However, perhaps it was meant to be a spark of hope rather than a stab to the heart.

Try to forgive them and realize that they did not hurt you intentionally. The decision to let them in or avoid them is up to you. You have a nephew or niece that could benefit from all the love you have to give. But first, focus on loving yourself and keeping faith alive that you will be a mother one day.

My guess is that once you do that, you will have a much easier time letting your family in again. Best of luck to you and your family.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2311911
katiedid717: (Default)

[personal profile] katiedid717 2020-01-10 02:15 pm (UTC)(link)
My best friend and her husband have been trying to conceive for over a year now and having all kinds of difficulties. I had a(n admittedly completely irrational and unfounded) pregnancy scare back in March/April, when I was going through a lot of really difficult personal shit and about thisclose to having a mental breakdown. I told my friend about my fears and how I was afraid to take a pregnancy test because logically I knew that there was a 99.9% probability that I was not pregnant but what if I fell into that 0.1%?

After the fact I apologized for freaking out about that with her, especially knowing the struggles she's been having. She replied "One of the things that I've learned through this process is that you can't take your frustration about your own fertility issues out on other people. It's not productive or healthy to be jealous if someone else is pregnant - you have to be happy if the baby is wanted or supportive if it isn't, because you want to treat others the way that you hope they'll treat you." It's unfortunate that the letter writer doesn't feel the same way.
jadelennox: Senora Sabasa Garcia, by Goya (Default)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2020-01-10 02:49 pm (UTC)(link)
your best friend is right, but also incredibly generous of spirit. She sounds like a great person.
katiedid717: (Default)

[personal profile] katiedid717 2020-01-10 02:50 pm (UTC)(link)
She is hands down the kindest person I have ever met, and I'm very glad that she's been in my life for almost 30 years
cereta: (frog was made by science)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-01-10 04:15 pm (UTC)(link)
I am going to be a slight voice of dissent, here.

Despite my own struggles with fertility at the time, I was very, very happy when my sister became pregnant at the same time. I was also very, very grateful that my mother took a few minutes to tell me in private before I had to be around the whole family absorbing the news. It let me process my less-than-positive feelings and be happy about having another niecelette.

I also cringed when the phrase "quit trying" came up. There's a lot of baggage around that phrase, much of it implicitly blaming the infertile couple, and it's one that we hear a lot.

I'm not saying the LW is being fair or rational in letting this go on for more than a day. But I understand the feelings. It's really easy to say, "it's not about you" when so much of your life is wrapped up in that exact issue.
likeaduck: Cristina from Grey's Anatomy runs towards the hospital as dawn breaks, carrying her motorcycle helmet. (Default)

[personal profile] likeaduck 2020-01-11 04:59 am (UTC)(link)
The in-laws could definitely have been more sensitive about their announcement. They were pretty self-centred about how they did that, too. Maybe even out of some of the same reasons the LW is here.

But...a year and a half! If this is still weighing on the LW this much I feel like it's not even about the thing that happened anymore--what care, or tools, or space to process and feel has the LW needed and not been getting for the past year and a half? is my question at this stage.
Edited 2020-01-11 04:59 (UTC)
cereta: Flowers (Flowers)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-01-11 06:08 pm (UTC)(link)
I definitely agree that the LW is not getting something (support, counseling, even just room to grieve) that she needs. I think (and this is just based on my own experience and a few others') that it's easy to get into a mindset of, "I'm sad because I can't have a baby; how will talking about it help?" And then the fiftieth person tells you about their neighbor's cousin's hairdresser who got pregnant after they quit fertility treatments, and you burst into tears, and you realize you really do need some kind of help.
minoanmiss: Modern art of Minoan woman fllipping over a bull (Bull-Dancer)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2020-01-10 06:16 pm (UTC)(link)
My heart bleeds in sympathy for LW, which is not to say she is behaving well *at all*. I really hope she is in/can get into therapy with a good therapist -- she needs to work through this with someone qualified who can show her enough understanding to be safe in understanding herself.
grammarwoman: (Default)

[personal profile] grammarwoman 2020-01-10 10:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, I want to give LW a big hug, because I have been there, what with 2 miscarriages on either side of having my son plus a bunch of rounds of IUI and IVF - sobbing in restaurant bathrooms, ducking out of family gatherings to compose myself, and other overwhelmed moments. It's not rational, and it's not fair, but feelings, wow, they are relentless. It doesn't help that when you've been trying that long, that hard, you are one big raw nerve that the world is targeting - you never noticed how babies and pregnant moms are everywhere until you smack into the difficulties of joining that club. (Let me tell you how much fun it is walking back out of an OB/GYN waiting room full of pregnant moms when you've just been told you've lost another baby.)

Is LW's response excessive? Yes. Should she talk to a professional? Probably. Are her feelings understandable? Oh hell yes. But she needs to fix this, which is going to suck. Maybe going through her husband, because the in-laws are liable to be in their own world of raw nerve with having a new baby in the house.
likeaduck: Cristina from Grey's Anatomy runs towards the hospital as dawn breaks, carrying her motorcycle helmet. (Default)

[personal profile] likeaduck 2020-01-11 04:52 am (UTC)(link)
I'm a bit confused by the LW asking if she should let SIL and BIL in on why she's avoided them. Like, surely they know it's because she's having big feelings bout her own infertility--can anyone fathom a situation where they wouldn't know that already? Is she asking if she should tell them she's mad that they announced in a big group with her there without warning her?

Between that and her feelings about them apparently/supposedly disclosing info about her infertility...like, there's a lot of cultural control on fertility-related grief and its expression, and a lot of shame on folks experiencing infertility, and going through rough times and feeling like you have to keep it a secret and can't let people see just makes everything so much harder. I really hope the good therapist part of this advice comes through in helpful ways for this LW.
redbird: closeup of me drinking tea, in a friend's kitchen (Default)

[personal profile] redbird 2020-01-11 03:42 pm (UTC)(link)
That question makes sense if it means "should I tell them I'm not just angry about them surprising me with their news, but about them disclosing my private business?"