Ask Amy: Co-worker might not deserve closure

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I went on a date with a co-worker some weeks ago.

We both had a great time, and he suggested a second date the following weekend.

I waited for a text to set something up and when nothing came by Thursday, I decided to text him. We agreed to do something Sunday, but Sunday came and went and I got radio silence.

I texted him on Monday, saying it's too bad we never got together, and he responded back a few hours later with, "Yeah, I should have let you know I was spending time with my family."

We had a company-wide holiday dinner where it was very obvious that he was avoiding me at all costs, yet texted me as soon as he left, claiming he didn't know I was there.

I suddenly realize that as a woman, I was doing all the pursuing and he was basically sitting back and letting it happen.

He was always so sweet when we crossed paths at work, so this ghosting took me by surprise.

He is a few years younger than I (he's 23 and I'm 27), but he acted so mature before all of this happened.

I know now that he is too emotionally immature for me, but I really want to ask him why he did that, and let him know how much it hurt me.

I think I need closure. Should I pursue closure from him?

-- Confused

Dear Confused: I struggle to see what, exactly, closure would look like for you, because so far -- you have pursued him, and he has deferred and dodged you. This behavior might be embarrassing for you, but please do not let this rise to the level of being hurt. He is merely revealing himself. He is not into you, but he hasn't figured out how to be a grown-up about it.

Do you really need to confront him? This one-date relationship doesn't seem to warrant it.

He might be an adequate work friend, but he is not boyfriend material for you.

This is as much closure as you're going to get, and you should not pursue him for more, because, in doing so, you could affect your own professional experience and standing at work.

It's fun to crush on someone at work, and -- unless your company has a strict policy against it -- the office can be a good place to find a potential partner. But what you're dealing with now (wringing your hands over this nonstarter) is why companies sometimes frown on inter-office romantic relationships: they lead to drama.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2310250?fs

Comments

[conuly]

It was one flipping date! Just let it go!

[jadelennox]

LW should let it go, but I kind of wish this were an Ask A Manager letter instead -- if LW and the co-worker are on the same team, then co-worker's lying and dodging (and LW's weird obsession with the date) can cause problems.

[minoanmiss]

Yes, this.

[conuly]

If the co-worker IS lying and dodging, and for no reason other than the fact that LW has a weird obsession. I'm not entirely willing to take LW's word on either of those points.

[onlysmallwings]

It was one date? Take the L and move on.

[cimorene]

It's almost refreshing that at least this attitude isn't coming from a dude for once, I guess.

[ysobel]

Dear anyone wanting closure from a romantic/sexual partner: IT WILL NEVER COME FROM THE OTHER PERSON. LET IT GOOOOOOOO.

[conuly]

Also: You will never get your abusive parent to apologize or acknowledge they wronged you.

[cereta]

Yes. Also, what the heck does "closure" even mean? Floating signifier if there every was one.