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Ask Amy: Woman wrestles with adoption dilemma
Dear Amy: I am a woman who was adopted by maternal family members when I was a child. They were honest with me about my birth mother's history (addiction). I had no contact with my birth mother.
My birth father had not been told of my existence, and once he learned about me, he searched for and found me. He considered pursuing custody, but ultimately decided against it. This happened when I was seven years old, and the adoption was being finalized.
My birth father and I reconnected when I was 20, and we have had a very fulfilling relationship since then. He is incredibly respectful of my adoption and allows everything to move at a pace where I am comfortable.
My adoptive mother is very uncomfortable about my relationship with my biological father. She is still hurt from the time when I was seven and he considered pursuing custody.
I'm wondering how I should handle family events where I would like both sides of my family involved, like weddings, graduations, etc.?
My mom refuses to meet or acknowledge my biological father. She faults him for what happened when I was a child.
He is incredibly grateful to them and respectful of their boundaries.
I understand her pain but don't want to exclude people I consider family, (including my father's other children -- my half-siblings), from important events in my son's and my own life.
-- Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: Your biological father should independently reach out to your family in order to acknowledge the lifesaving role they have played, and to respectfully ask to meet them. You should reassure them that meeting your biological father does not change the primary role your family has played in your life, or how you feel about them.
Adoptive parents can feel threatened when their children connect with bio-relatives. This is a very tender and upsetting reminder of your -- and their -- vulnerability. But family love is special -- the stronger and healthier it is, the more expansive it becomes -- making room for more.
After expressing your hope for a congenial meeting, you will then have to move forward, making adult choices about inclusion during landmark events. Invite everyone you want to invite, and leave their choices to attend up to them. In time, they will either adjust -- or they will face the negative impact on your relationship. Move gently forward.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2309783?fs
My birth father had not been told of my existence, and once he learned about me, he searched for and found me. He considered pursuing custody, but ultimately decided against it. This happened when I was seven years old, and the adoption was being finalized.
My birth father and I reconnected when I was 20, and we have had a very fulfilling relationship since then. He is incredibly respectful of my adoption and allows everything to move at a pace where I am comfortable.
My adoptive mother is very uncomfortable about my relationship with my biological father. She is still hurt from the time when I was seven and he considered pursuing custody.
I'm wondering how I should handle family events where I would like both sides of my family involved, like weddings, graduations, etc.?
My mom refuses to meet or acknowledge my biological father. She faults him for what happened when I was a child.
He is incredibly grateful to them and respectful of their boundaries.
I understand her pain but don't want to exclude people I consider family, (including my father's other children -- my half-siblings), from important events in my son's and my own life.
-- Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: Your biological father should independently reach out to your family in order to acknowledge the lifesaving role they have played, and to respectfully ask to meet them. You should reassure them that meeting your biological father does not change the primary role your family has played in your life, or how you feel about them.
Adoptive parents can feel threatened when their children connect with bio-relatives. This is a very tender and upsetting reminder of your -- and their -- vulnerability. But family love is special -- the stronger and healthier it is, the more expansive it becomes -- making room for more.
After expressing your hope for a congenial meeting, you will then have to move forward, making adult choices about inclusion during landmark events. Invite everyone you want to invite, and leave their choices to attend up to them. In time, they will either adjust -- or they will face the negative impact on your relationship. Move gently forward.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2309783?fs
no subject
Adoptive mom's grudge is presumably based entirely on "How dare he try to take my kid away", with whatever justifications required to make that seem like a reasonable basis for a grudge. (Maybe they are good reasons, maybe biodad was super coercive and manifestly unsuitable as a parent. Maybe mom just got irrationally overprotective of her ownership of her kid.)
(It's also possible adoptive parents blame him at least in part for what happened to the kid's biomom, since he was presumably involved with her in some way while she was making very poor choices. It's possible he blames adoptive parents for not even trying to contact him.)
But we've basically got no details as to how what when down when LW was seven went down (and it seems likely that LW still knows only the things about it that a seven-year-old would know) so it's really hard to say who did grudgeworthy things.
no subject
Hopefully, both he and the adoptive family can make peace, for LW's sake. I was wondering if I'd missed something that made him more obviously at fault in some way.