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Ask Amy: Woman wrestles with adoption dilemma
Dear Amy: I am a woman who was adopted by maternal family members when I was a child. They were honest with me about my birth mother's history (addiction). I had no contact with my birth mother.
My birth father had not been told of my existence, and once he learned about me, he searched for and found me. He considered pursuing custody, but ultimately decided against it. This happened when I was seven years old, and the adoption was being finalized.
My birth father and I reconnected when I was 20, and we have had a very fulfilling relationship since then. He is incredibly respectful of my adoption and allows everything to move at a pace where I am comfortable.
My adoptive mother is very uncomfortable about my relationship with my biological father. She is still hurt from the time when I was seven and he considered pursuing custody.
I'm wondering how I should handle family events where I would like both sides of my family involved, like weddings, graduations, etc.?
My mom refuses to meet or acknowledge my biological father. She faults him for what happened when I was a child.
He is incredibly grateful to them and respectful of their boundaries.
I understand her pain but don't want to exclude people I consider family, (including my father's other children -- my half-siblings), from important events in my son's and my own life.
-- Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: Your biological father should independently reach out to your family in order to acknowledge the lifesaving role they have played, and to respectfully ask to meet them. You should reassure them that meeting your biological father does not change the primary role your family has played in your life, or how you feel about them.
Adoptive parents can feel threatened when their children connect with bio-relatives. This is a very tender and upsetting reminder of your -- and their -- vulnerability. But family love is special -- the stronger and healthier it is, the more expansive it becomes -- making room for more.
After expressing your hope for a congenial meeting, you will then have to move forward, making adult choices about inclusion during landmark events. Invite everyone you want to invite, and leave their choices to attend up to them. In time, they will either adjust -- or they will face the negative impact on your relationship. Move gently forward.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2309783?fs
My birth father had not been told of my existence, and once he learned about me, he searched for and found me. He considered pursuing custody, but ultimately decided against it. This happened when I was seven years old, and the adoption was being finalized.
My birth father and I reconnected when I was 20, and we have had a very fulfilling relationship since then. He is incredibly respectful of my adoption and allows everything to move at a pace where I am comfortable.
My adoptive mother is very uncomfortable about my relationship with my biological father. She is still hurt from the time when I was seven and he considered pursuing custody.
I'm wondering how I should handle family events where I would like both sides of my family involved, like weddings, graduations, etc.?
My mom refuses to meet or acknowledge my biological father. She faults him for what happened when I was a child.
He is incredibly grateful to them and respectful of their boundaries.
I understand her pain but don't want to exclude people I consider family, (including my father's other children -- my half-siblings), from important events in my son's and my own life.
-- Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: Your biological father should independently reach out to your family in order to acknowledge the lifesaving role they have played, and to respectfully ask to meet them. You should reassure them that meeting your biological father does not change the primary role your family has played in your life, or how you feel about them.
Adoptive parents can feel threatened when their children connect with bio-relatives. This is a very tender and upsetting reminder of your -- and their -- vulnerability. But family love is special -- the stronger and healthier it is, the more expansive it becomes -- making room for more.
After expressing your hope for a congenial meeting, you will then have to move forward, making adult choices about inclusion during landmark events. Invite everyone you want to invite, and leave their choices to attend up to them. In time, they will either adjust -- or they will face the negative impact on your relationship. Move gently forward.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2309783?fs
no subject
The only real advice here is "Invite everyone you want to invite, leave their choices to them, and move gently forward." That's good advice, but I wish Amy had added more about "and think about how to handle the repercussions if real actualfax people are less the platonic ideal of adults that you want them to be, and real actualfax family drama is more painful to the LW than the LW can bear."