Free vs. Paid Grandparent Babysitting Causes Hurt Feelings

[conuly]

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Ever since our granddaughter was born, I’ve sat with her two days a week so my daughter could first recover from what was a tough pregnancy, and then so she could go back to work. We now have three beautiful grandchildren, and I continue sitting for them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Our son-in-law’s mother sits on Mondays and Wednesdays, and I just found out, after all these years, that she has been getting paid for watching the kids.

I don’t know if I’m more upset with her for taking the money, or with my daughter and son-in-law for never even offering to pay me to babysit. I don’t think I would have taken the money, but it would be nice to be asked. I haven’t said anything yet to my daughter, but I feel a growing resentment that I don’t want to interfere with our relationship. Would you say something if you were me? --- THE UNPAID GRANDMA

DEAR THE UNPAID GRANDMA: Letting a resentment build is never a good idea. An honest discussion with both your daughter and son-in-law may clear the air and help soothe your hurt feelings. By opening the subject with them, you may find out that there are reasons the other grandma is getting paid. Her financial situation may be an issue, or the relationship between her and your daughter and/or son-in-law may be of a very different nature than the one you have with them.

The only way you’ll find out is if you talk about it.

https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2019/12/31/free-vs-paid-grandparent-babysitting-causes

Comments

[conuly]

What I can't get over is that you think you would not have taken the money, and you're upset at the other grandmother for getting paid. If your daughter had asked, be honest - would you have been offended at the implication that you need to be bribed in order to spend time with your grandkids? Because between those two statements, I wonder if your daughter suspected that might be the case.

[rmc28]

Is there maybe a feeling of "How dare you/other grandmother bring grubby materialism into this pure familial support" or something?

[jadelennox]

I don't know, I'd be ticked, too. Like, I'm sure she's got a chord of that grubby materialism thing going, but even if the reasons are perfectly rational (eg. other grandmother is giving up some other paid work to sit with the kids), that doesn't mean it wouldn't have been a shock to realize there's this asymmetry going on.

[conuly]

Sure, but the person to be ticked at is her daughter. Other grandma has nothing to do with this.

[lilysea]

I don't think it's necessarily unfair - is the grandma whi is not getting paid financially comfortable?

Is the grandma who is getting paid financially struggling?

If so, it seems fair to pay the struggling grandma and not pay the comfortable grandma.

[cereta]

Yeah, that seems to me to be a very likely situation, perhaps mixed in with other grandma spending time babysitting that she might otherwise be spending working a part-time job.

[shirou]

I agree the payments may not be unfair, but the parents weren't transparent about what they were doing and why. Even if the asymmetry isn't a problem, the lack of communication is.

[fleurrochard]

Um, no. The work is the same. If you pay one of them, you should at least offer it to the other one. At the very least the parents should have communicated the different situations right at the beginning. (If there are actually financially different situations.)

(It'd be a slightly different situation if the paid grandma is always babysitting on fixed days, and the unpaid one only helps out very occasionally; but according to the LW they both always babysit two fixed days per week.)