Dear Abby: Transgender and married

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I came out as male-to-female transgender. My wife has come around since then, and our second child will be born before I start my transition.

She has decided to stay with me, but occasionally she tells me she isn't sure if she can be married to a woman. On the other hand, she says she doesn't want to have to share custody of our children.

I have urged her to talk to a therapist, because she gets a few free sessions from her job. Because she doesn't like people knowing about her problems, she steadfastly refuses. I'm not sure what else to do. I won't make her stay if she can't handle it, but I refuse to tell her I'll give her full custody. -- LIVING MY TRUTH IN THE EAST

DEAR LIVING: If your wife prefers, out of concern for her privacy, not to talk to a therapist who's connected with her job, that is her choice. But that does not mean she shouldn't get counseling elsewhere to help her make rational decisions about her future. A support group that could also be helpful to her is the Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org), which has been mentioned before in my column.

As for you, my friend, you should consult a lawyer who specializes in family law and gender issues. Lambda Legal (lambdalegal.org) should be able to refer you. With help, you should be able to work out a fair and reasonable custody arrangement, should it become necessary.

Comments

[cereta]

I'm posting this more to read others' responses than to respond on my own, because I don't quite feel educated enough to opine.

[torachan]

Considering the terrible letters people usually post here, I was expecting Dan Savage level of "you're a horrible person for having kids and wanting to transition, you should wait till they're adults, you selfish asshole". Her advice actually seems pretty good and I'm thrilled she didn't shame the letter writer for being trans.

[inlovewithnight]

I'm puzzled by the first two sentences of Abby's reply; the letter writer doesn't say her wife is uncomfortable with speaking to a therapist connected to her job, she says that she doesn't like other people knowing her problems. So finding another counselor/support group doesn't seem likely to be a workable path.

[torachan]

I can see how it might be different. If "gets therapy through her job" means her job will pay for some sessions, then that doesn't seem to be any different than getting a therapist on her own, but if it means her job has an on-site therapist whom she might run into outside of her sessions, it could feel very different to go somewhere else. It seems like Abby read that as meaning an on-site therapist.

[recessional]

I definitely second Abby's recommendation of a specializing lawyer.

[shreena]

I suppose I feel like there's a lot left out of this letter. What's life in their marriage like, day to day? Is it loving, affectionate? Do they talk? Does it feel like they're a couple? Because I think, if their marriage is basically working but sometimes the wife comes out with this stuff, that's very different to if they are basically just existing in the same house.