agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a woman for several years now. Though it wasn’t formal, we even said we were engaged. I just hadn’t gotten her a ring yet. I have been in between work for longer than I want to admit, and it has been impossible for me to buy her a ring or plan a wedding.

I thought she understood, but recently we have gotten into some ugly arguments about our relationship. When I try to talk to her about it, she clams up. I suggested that we go to counseling. She said OK, but then she started going by herself. A month ago, she stopped returning my calls, and she doesn’t respond to me on social media. Nothing. I am devastated. I don’t understand how we could go from about to get married to invisibility. I was already down. This has sent me over the edge. How can I recover? How can I get her to talk to me? -- Ghosted by Girlfriend

DEAR GHOSTED BY GIRLFRIEND: I’m so sorry that your fiancee has decided to walk away from you. That has to be devastating. Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t get explanations for people’s behavior, even that of our beloved. You should go ahead and find a therapist who can help you process these experiences and figure out a way to heal your heart. You cannot make your ex want to be with you. You can learn how to tend to yourself, build your confidence and actively search for a job. You need to get emotionally strong in order to be attractive to potential employers, so focus on your future right now. Your heart will heal in time.

https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2019/12/28/1/friend-doesnt-put-forth-any-effort

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

1. First of all, I now have Single Ladies running through my head, so thanks for that, LW.

2. You can't make her talk to you. Your issue is that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. This fact has nothing to do with whether or not she "understands" why you were unable to plan a wedding, and everything to do with the fact that she doesn't want to marry you and no longer wants to date you.

3. You are one unreliable narrator, by the way. This story has more holes in it than swiss cheese.

Edited 2019-12-29 07:06 (UTC)

"we have gotten into some ugly arguments" sure does disclaim a lot of responsibility while eliding details of the ugliness.

Mmmhm.

"Ugly arguments" to "She clams up" in one sentence. Which is it?

Her not talking IS ugly, how can LW possibly fix this!?

Pretty much yes on all of these. I wonder if she was willing to forgo a ring (or even buy one herself) and get married by a JP, and he* was using his unemployment as an excuse to stall. Either that or he wasn't being particularly proactive in searching for a job.

*I am assuming gender based on the "buy her a ring" bit, although I could be wrong.

The LW sounds like he's trying to convince the readers as well as himself. How he makes himself out to be the victim! I usually try to take letters at face value and give LWs the benefit of the doubt that they are accurately portraying their situations, but the unreliability of this letter just drips off the page (screen).