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Ask Amy: Holiday hostess wants guests to pitch in
Dear Amy: I have a holiday etiquette question.
In my family, when a gathering involves food, everyone brings something.
I think it's helpful, giving, polite, respectful and "the right thing to do."
Even when I travel to go to family gatherings, I always bring something, whether it is something store bought, or a homemade goodie. I would be embarrassed to walk in empty-handed!
I host many family gatherings. My sister-in-law (my brother's wife) and her family travel back to the hometown by car to attend these gatherings.
Each and every time, her family of five will come to my home, bringing nothing but their appetites!
They're of the mindset that because they are traveling to see us, they shouldn't have to bring anything, and never offer to do so.
I personally find this to be rude and ill-mannered.
In the days leading up to the holidays, she does nothing but run all over town shopping. It boggles my mind that she doesn't think to stop to even pick up a bottle of wine. This has nothing to do with means or access, but is just a seemingly self-centered attitude.
What do you think? Should the fact that they travel by car for the holidays make them exempt from contributing?
-- Tired of Hosting
Dear Tired: Holiday meals are not like other occasions. They are communal feasts, and I agree that it is polite to ask the host for an assignment of something to bring, even if you are traveling.
Your sister-in-law was not raised by your parents, who taught you that it was necessary to always bring something when you are invited for a meal. Your brother (this woman's husband) WAS raised by your parents, however. He knows the drill -- why is he not stepping up to contribute to the meal?
Rather than passively seethe and then riding your disappointment throughout the season, you could easily manage this by giving this family of five a specific assignment -- perhaps a non-perishable dessert, drinks, or both. You say, "It's all hands on deck this year. I'm wondering if you would pick up some wine and soft drinks on your way into town? We could use your contribution."
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2303473?fs
In my family, when a gathering involves food, everyone brings something.
I think it's helpful, giving, polite, respectful and "the right thing to do."
Even when I travel to go to family gatherings, I always bring something, whether it is something store bought, or a homemade goodie. I would be embarrassed to walk in empty-handed!
I host many family gatherings. My sister-in-law (my brother's wife) and her family travel back to the hometown by car to attend these gatherings.
Each and every time, her family of five will come to my home, bringing nothing but their appetites!
They're of the mindset that because they are traveling to see us, they shouldn't have to bring anything, and never offer to do so.
I personally find this to be rude and ill-mannered.
In the days leading up to the holidays, she does nothing but run all over town shopping. It boggles my mind that she doesn't think to stop to even pick up a bottle of wine. This has nothing to do with means or access, but is just a seemingly self-centered attitude.
What do you think? Should the fact that they travel by car for the holidays make them exempt from contributing?
-- Tired of Hosting
Dear Tired: Holiday meals are not like other occasions. They are communal feasts, and I agree that it is polite to ask the host for an assignment of something to bring, even if you are traveling.
Your sister-in-law was not raised by your parents, who taught you that it was necessary to always bring something when you are invited for a meal. Your brother (this woman's husband) WAS raised by your parents, however. He knows the drill -- why is he not stepping up to contribute to the meal?
Rather than passively seethe and then riding your disappointment throughout the season, you could easily manage this by giving this family of five a specific assignment -- perhaps a non-perishable dessert, drinks, or both. You say, "It's all hands on deck this year. I'm wondering if you would pick up some wine and soft drinks on your way into town? We could use your contribution."
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2303473?fs
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At any rate, she should tell her brother that Mom's rules apply at her house for Christmas and that she expects him to chip in with flowers, chocolates, fruit, or a bottle of wine every visit.
If he won't comply, then she needs to either suck it up forever or stop inviting him. Only she knows if she cares enough to stop having him and his family over during the holidays over this.
Of course, nobody is making her host the big family holiday get-together. If she's tired of hosting, she can opt out entirely and take a break next year. That might be the best option for her.
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The other complaint is bizarre, sexist, and also possibly not even an issue if she's genuinely never mentioned the idea of the guests contributing to the food to them but just sat around stewing in resentment that they didn't read her mind - they might not have any problem with bringing something if mentioned.
But if you don't want to host a big party and actually resent it, the other stuff is kind of moot because you... probably should not host it then? Or should at the least discuss that you're burnt out with the guests.
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That said, this could very easily be me being complained about. Because we live about 200 miles from where I grew up, and where my mother, older brother, and younger sister (and their families) still live, we have to travel for holidays. Even if we were closer, hosting wouldn't be an option for reasons of us having cats and them having allergies, but the simple reality is that they wouldn't visit anyway. I hear a lot about how impractical it would be for them to travel, with reasons ranging from obligations to spouses' families to work obligations, but apparently, those are things we're supposed to work around.
Ahem. Slightly bitter.
We've generally been assigned some kind of contribution, although my Mom usually just gets it for us. And I've sometimes sensed a little, "you guys aren't pulling your weight" from the two who do the hosting. Yeah, well, we're also paying gas money, taking days off work, paying a pet sitter, and all sorts of things, not to mention the labor involved in traveling. No, we don't have to deal with the house and food prep of hosting, but we're also always on someone else's territory.
So, yeah, brother should bring a bottle of wine or something tasty from a bakery, but I'm a little underwhelmed at LW's righteous indignation. Possibly I am over-identifying here.
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But I am also over identifying with SIL. I've blown off a lot of social occasions because they were potlucks, and I'm a public transit traveller; I'd rather avoid the awkwardness of saying "I'd love to come but I can't bring anything" altogether. (And especially avoid the awkwardness of them saying, "well, can you bring a bottle of wine?" and me having to say yes, then take the bus to the liquor store, carry a backpack to the dinner without breaking the bottle, etc.) In other words, I approve of and follow the courtesy of bringing something, but I dislike treating it as a hard and fast rule.
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It's too late to change it now, but in Sept 2020 maybe LW should say "If we're going to host christmas again, we'll need a $ per head contribution to the ingredients" - obviously waiving it for anyone less well off than LW and her partner.
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But yeah, seething about it is not going to get things to change. Use your words, LW, and assign out what you want brought.
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Huh! Come to think of it, I was raised in an Orthodox Jewish community, where everyone had a different level of kashrut and the only safe thing to bring to someone else's house was a box of Entenmann's because it's super rude to ask someone else "hey, is my kitchen kosher enough for you?" Which might explain why I didn't grow up with that rule.
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"is of the mindset"
Also, we're assuming that the letter writer is a woman, but they never say that. How does this shift if it becomes "my parents had three sons, including me. I have the biggest house, so we host. My wife and I do most of the work for those big holidays, but I thought my brother understood that we should bring something to contribute to a meal"?
A lot of the time, when a woman is complaining that other people aren't pulling their weight for something like this, it's about the work involved in all that cooking and cleaning up. If I was feeling overwhelmed by that sort of holiday, a shoe box full of homemade cookies, or a bottle of wine, wouldn't make a difference there, especially if I had no idea ahead of time whether I was going to be presented with dessert, mixed nuts to nosh on before dinner, or a bottle or two of wine or apple cider.
Re: "is of the mindset"
Re: "is of the mindset"
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In some families it is polite to bring food to parties. In other families it would be the height of rudeness to treat a holiday dinner as a potluck--it would be an insult to the host's ability to plan a balanced and harmonious meal to add an unexpected dish. People from both sides of that divide can easily learn to work with the other side's expectations! ...but only if they're made aware of what those expectations are.
(That's not even touching on the gendered issues of "Why are you focusing on your sister-in-law as the rude one instead of on your brother," of course, which Amy rightly highlights.)
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HONESTLY
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ie. It's impolite to ask guests to bring something in the Guess Culture that LW was brought up in, so that's not something they can do. But they're quietly seething beneath the surface.
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In my family, turning up with something when not asked would be an insult to the host. It may be similar in SIL fam. Seems like a lot of miscomunication going on here.
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B/SiL: "I was wondering if there's anything we could bring to go along with the feast - can we bring you some bread from the bakery? We're traveling, so we can't do much, but let us know if there's something we can add!"
See how easy that was? Now get over yourselves and stop wasting precious advice column space. Oh, wait...
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