Oh, geez, it's this dude again

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I am a 36-year-old man in love with an amazing woman.

"Carly" and I have known each other since high school. We have held each other up through the roughest times -- my divorce and depression, and her ill father and abusive ex-boyfriend. She's beautiful, smart, and great with my kids. I could imagine her as the perfect stepmom to them.

A few weeks ago, I took a chance and expressed my feelings. She rejected me, and then acted as if nothing had happened. She continued texting me regularly and tagging me on social media as though she expected nothing to change.

I asked her to stop contacting me, but that made her irrationally angry. She says I'm throwing away a 20-year friendship, but she is the one throwing it away. She says she "misses" her "best friend," but I have plenty of friends. What I need is a romantic partner.

I feel like she is trying to have things both ways, keeping me around as long as it suits her.

I don't want to be that guy who the pretty girl strings along, great for helping her move, but too repulsive to touch.

How do I get her to get off the fence, and to either decide that she wants to be with me properly, or to let me go on my way?

-- Love Me or Leave Me

Dear Love Me: "Carly" isn't on the fence. She is not in love with you. She does not want to be your romantic partner, but she does want to be your friend.

You are obviously very upset and disappointed. You have the right to sever this relationship and given your reaction to Carly's overtures, it would be wisest for you to do that. You should delete her contact information, and mute or block her from contacting you.

She is going to have to tolerate the end of this long friendship, and you are going to have to tolerate this woman saying "no" to you.

Given your personal and mental health challenges, it would be wisest for you to see a therapist in order to find a way to process your hurt and anger in a way that is healthier for you.

https://agonyaunt.dreamwidth.org/253100.html

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2300763?fs

Comments

[conuly]

I would not have posted this again, but I find myself continually amazed and baffled at the idea that one can have "enough" good friends. LW's an asshole, and "Carly" can do better in both the friend and the boyfriend departments.

Amy's advice here is better than Natalie's in that she tells him to seek professional help. I wish, though, either one of them had been clearer in telling him that he's being super ridiculous.

[ellen_fremedon]

LW is an asshole, but I don't think there's anything baffling about the idea of having enough good friends. I have friendly acquaintances I have not been cultivating because I have more good friends than I can easily keep up with. Maintaining relationships takes time and spoons.

[azurelunatic]

It does! And imagine Carly, learning that this guy was never her close friend, but always a stealth suitor.

[conuly]

And understandably not wanting to give up on 20 years of friendship that fast.

Alas, I think she's gonna have to, and not just because that's the right thing to do when people tell you to leave them alone. Dude's an asshole, she's wasted too much time on him already.

[mathemagicalschema]

I somehow read "36-year-old mom" the first time around, which gave the scenario a very different color. (Not that it changes the advice all that much.)

[shirou]

Dear Carly—LW asked you to cease contact. Please respect his wishes. It sucks to lose a friend, but you’ll be better off for it. LW is a jerk.

[staranise]

So what, did he just send the letter around to a bunch of different advice columnists hoping at least one of them would give him the answer he wanted?

[conuly]

People do that sometimes.

[colorwheel]

i've been thinking about this phenomenon recently! i keep wondering whether the advice columns receive fewer submissions overall than i had always assumed (i assumed they get TONS), or if the number of letters that really stand out from the others is fewer than i would have thought. or there could well be some other reason i haven't thought of. it's just surprising to me how many letters i see answered at more than one column.

[mirlacca]

I'm baffled that the person answering this letter never seems to have considered telling this dude that it is entirely possible for a man and a woman to be close friends and not sexual partners. He takes it for granted that is how friendship has to evolve, and blames her for not fitting into his worldview. Yeah, she's better off without him.

[conuly]

Honestly, I just don't get him, or the advice columnists who answered this.