Dear Abby: Son doesn't like dad and stepmom's friend

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 40s, happily married to my wife, and we have teenage daughters. My parents divorced when I was young and both have been remarried for years.

Over the past 10 years, Dad and his wife have developed a very close "friendship" with a woman I'll call "Bonnie." They bought homes next door to each other, travel together, and expect Bonnie to be included in all holiday events. Bonnie has never been married and has no kids, so my parents reason that she would be alone if she's not with them.

I am not fond of this woman and I don't like having to include her. My parents never ask if it's OK if she comes; they just started bringing her years ago and assume she's welcome. When I have brought up the subject, they got angry.

Our daughters ask how we're related to Bonnie. When I say she is Grandma and Grandpa's friend, they roll their eyes because it falls short of describing what is probably a three-way. I'm tired of the situation. What can I do? -- FED UP IN PHOENIX

DEAR FED UP: Let your daughters -- who are probably more worldly than either you or I -- come to their own conclusions about Grandma and Grandpa. Whether they have formed a triad is anybody's guess, but one thing is clear: They are a package deal. You might be happier if you concentrated less on what may (or may not) be going on between their sheets. The alternative would be to see your father, stepmother and this woman less often.

Comments

[cereta]

The comments on this one are a veritable cornucopia of pearl-clutching, but I'm just going to make one point: the concern over the grandkids cracks me up. They're teenagers. They probably know more about non-typical relationship configurations than Dad does. I'll bet a shiny nickel that one of them is posting to Tumblr that their Dad is SO monosexualcentric and how does he know that stepmom isn't a biromantic asexual who gets just as much out of this as grandad does?

[minoanmiss]

AHAHAHA true!

[sathari]

Everything about your last sentence brightened my day entirely! :D

[ambyr]

I'm still boggled at how the writer is reaching the conclusion that this "is probably a three-way," unless there is vastly more evidence to support this than contained in the letter. Newsflash: as people get older, their networks shrink. Family die, friends die. Those who remain often become very close, because the pool of people who remember their younger years grows smaller, and because as their bodies age they're more aware of their physical interdependence with others.

My grandparents have a couple of very close friends. They vacation together. They invite them to all the family holidays. It has never occurred to me to wonder if they're swinging; I just assume they appreciate having someone around with whom they can reminisce about the Roosevelt era. (And if they are swinging, it's certainly not any of my business!)

[cereta]

That, too, is a very good point. I admit, I'm biased, because I'm much, much closer to my "found family" than my family of origin, but I can see having that kind of relationship some day. I do find it interesting that the LW never says why he doesn't like Bonnie. Is it just the situation, or is it actually HER?

[recessional]

I mean, LW is of course free to draw a boundary that Bonnie can't come to holiday events he's in control of (ie are happening at her house/at her expense). I suspect he won't like the consequences, but she is within her rights to do so.

But really, yeah, two things pop out:

WHY doesn't she like Bonnie? Because there are circumstances wherein this is entirely fair. But his use of "this woman" and (assuming it wasn't just trimmed out for posting) lack of explanation implies to me that there's something inherent about Bonnie she's taken a dislike to, and my immediate gut instinct is to assume something nasty on LW's part. (Bonnie's a different race, Bonnie's a different religion, Bonnie's trans, Bonnie's openly queer, etc).

Yeah, her kids probably know more than he does, but on the other hand, if Gma and Gpa haven't said anything else about their relationship with Bonnie then actually what should be pointed out to them is that this is what Gma and Gpa have elected to communicate and to mind their manners.


eta: AHAHA WATCH ME ASSUME THE WRONG GENDER. *facepalm*

I am deeply fond of Abby's "who are probably more worldly than either you or I", tho. XD

[redbird]

The only thing I would add is that it would be reasonable for the letter writer to tell his parents "I'd like to have some time with just the two of you now and then," and even to ask for just-Dad time (though he wanders between "Dad and his wife" and "my parents" in a way that suggests he is close to his stepmother). My mother and I like spending time as just the two of us, as well as her spending time with me and a partner.

[recessional]

This is very true. I just don't think he's going to have great luck making that "just parents time" the "holiday events" he notes, which I kind of suspect is the sticking point, because who's invited to holidays has a broader connotation.