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Concerns about a daughter’s modesty expose more about the mother’s mind-set
Dear Carolyn: Lately I've noticed my 30-year-old daughter, a mother of three, has not been wearing a bra. It is obvious. While she is very small-chested, it's a matter of modesty to me . . . and cultural norms, I guess.
How can I nicely let her know how I — and her sisters and I'm sure others — feel about it?
— Modest in Kansas
Modest in Kansas: Not your breasts, not your business.
Before you act on urges to correct a woman’s appearance — or any adult’s, really — based on your own notions or propriety, please give a long think to where you learned the “rules,” and how they were enforced with you — shame, to some degree, yes? — and how deeply you’ve internalized them, to the point of assuming the shamer’s role.
Haven’t governments and societies had enough to say about the minutiae (and substance) of how women live and how they use and cover their bodies? Aren’t “mother(s) of three” judged by enough people, on enough meaningless scales, by enough arbitrary standards created long before the mothers themselves were born?
Had you been asked three decades ago which you’d want for your daughter someday, please tell me you’d have chosen supportive people over supportive undergarments.
If you’d honestly have chosen “undergarments,” then we’re probably never going to agree on this. But if you’re willing at least to think about it, then please use the impossibility of “nicely” scolding your grown daughter over a choice that harms no one as an opportunity to question your own reflex to scold.
How can I nicely let her know how I — and her sisters and I'm sure others — feel about it?
— Modest in Kansas
Modest in Kansas: Not your breasts, not your business.
Before you act on urges to correct a woman’s appearance — or any adult’s, really — based on your own notions or propriety, please give a long think to where you learned the “rules,” and how they were enforced with you — shame, to some degree, yes? — and how deeply you’ve internalized them, to the point of assuming the shamer’s role.
Haven’t governments and societies had enough to say about the minutiae (and substance) of how women live and how they use and cover their bodies? Aren’t “mother(s) of three” judged by enough people, on enough meaningless scales, by enough arbitrary standards created long before the mothers themselves were born?
Had you been asked three decades ago which you’d want for your daughter someday, please tell me you’d have chosen supportive people over supportive undergarments.
If you’d honestly have chosen “undergarments,” then we’re probably never going to agree on this. But if you’re willing at least to think about it, then please use the impossibility of “nicely” scolding your grown daughter over a choice that harms no one as an opportunity to question your own reflex to scold.