Dear Abby: a subject that hits close to my home

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I am almost 13 and I'm struggling with a lot of different things. I was adopted when I was a baby, so I never lived with my birth mother. That's probably a good thing, but I am having angry feelings toward her that I wish I wouldn't have. Those feelings are also being directed at friends and family members.

I'll think I have forgiven my birth mother for what she did, and then all of a sudden, I realize I never really did. I don't want to grow up being bitter all my life. Do you have any advice for me? -- NEEDS HELP IN INDIANA

DEAR NEEDS HELP: Yes. It is important you understand that birth mothers love their babies very much. When a woman places her child for adoption, there can be legitimate reasons for it. She may have been too young to raise a child, without the means to properly support it or addicted to drugs or alcohol. Your mother may have wanted you to have a better life than she had and felt another family could give it to you.

When you are older, you can do a search for her and find out the reason for yourself. But in the meantime, stop blaming her -- and you, your friends and family will be happier.

Comments

[cereta]

I can't say much about this, because it *does* hit close to home: I recently obtained my birth records only to learn that both my birth parents are dead (I'm 45, so it's not entirely surprising, although my birth mother died quite young), and I can't be objective when I spent last night going through some possessions of my birth mother's sent to me by a (very welcoming) cousin.

What I WILL say is that this letter brings up a lot of things that are problematic about adoption narratives, one of which is that only the birth MOTHER makes the decision to place a child. Given the LW's age, it's highly unlikely that his/her bm could have placed him/her for adoption without (a) the father's consent or (b) him being so far disappeared from the mother's life (one night stand with no identifying information, etc) that contact was impossible. Many states have put in very serious requirements for getting the father's consent. So I find it frustrating that birth mothers alone are given the blame (or for that matter, the praise).

(Note: I am projecting a bit, here, because while I gather that my birth mother was not ready to be a mother, the narrative I was given...well, let's just say bio father wasn't exactly clamoring to be a father, either.)

[minoanmiss]

I hear you, my friend.

Also, what you and Recessional said.

[recessional]

. . .mostly what strikes me is how useless the advice is.

"I'm having trouble not blaming/being angry at my birth mother. Any advice?"

"Yes. Stop blaming/being angry at your birth mother."

Like.

[cereta]

Seriously. This is a woman who suggests therapy for a common cold. How could she not see that this kid needs someone outside the situation to help deal with these feelings and get some perspective.