In which both the writer and the advice columnist forget that child support isn't optional

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my daughter, a college student, is pregnant. She was doing so well in school, and now this. Our family does not believe in abortion, so she is going to have the baby. We have no idea how we will afford to take care of it, whether she will continue college or anything else. We are at a loss. My husband and I cannot afford to take the baby and care for it, and we are not in the best of health. My daughter is not with the young man, and he is not willing to help in any way. What can we do? -- Pregnant Too Soon

DEAR PREGNANT TOO SOON: Bringing a child into the world is a blessing and a responsibility. Your daughter needs to assess what she wants to do before the child is born. Among her choices is adoption. If she does not have the means on her own or with her family to provide for a child, she should figure out a healthy option that will ensure that this baby has the best life possible. Talk with her about adoption. It could occur within your family if there is someone who would like to raise a child, or through an agency.

If she wants to keep the child, your daughter may have to delay her education and get a job. Again, if you cannot support her and the baby financially for the long term, she has to figure it out. This may feel like you are abandoning her, from her perspective, but what you need to do is to be honest and transparent. Let your daughter know exactly how you envision you may be able to help and what you cannot or will not do. Then it is up to her to make choices accordingly.

https://www.uexpress.com/sense-and-sensitivity/2019/11/2/1/reader-has-a-buying-problem

Comments

[conuly]

While my title sums up what I think of that advice, I mostly posted this to point out something that the LW doesn't realize: Her daughter is an adult now, and semi-independent. It is no longer appropriate for LW to talk about what "our family" believes with regard to tricky issues like abortion. It's possible her daughter also doesn't believe in abortion - probable, even, since she must know what her parents feel and would be better off not informing them at all if she intended to go that route! - but now that her daughter is an adult her beliefs regarding abortion etc. are not "our family" beliefs and concerns, but her specific personal beliefs and concern.

[lilysea]

Even though child support is mandatory, I'm not sure how possible it is to collect if the young man is a college student with no job and no income...

eg he is living on student loans/scholarships/support from his parents.

It's going to be hard to impossible to garnish these.

[conuly]

But he's not going to be a college student with no income forever, no more than LW's daughter will.

[lavendertook]

But our police are too busy shooting black people in their homes to devote resources to hunting down dead beat dads or bother themselves with the concerns of women.

My understanding is that unless you can afford a good lawyer, there's not a lot of enforcement for getting the unwilling to pay up--depending on where you live. it takes resources to track down someone who isn't willingly parting with their contact info, and not so hard to be mobile and harder to find when you're young and male.

The LW says they have health problems and it sounds like they'd rather blame women, including their daughter, than do all the difficult work of keeping a lead on the "young man" about whom they don't have a negative word to spare. And the daughter is likely going to be too busy and overwhelmed. She and baby still have to find ways to survive all the times he can't be found and forced by law to pay up. Such a terrible position to be in. I hope she has no health complications with the pregnancy, because she's not likely to have the best of pre-natal care. And this is why the majority of people in poverty are women and children.

[lilysea]

Sure. But assuming his degree takes 4 years, that could be 4 years of no child support. He'll have to pay up [including arrears] once he DOES get a job, but that's 4 years that LW's daughter has to find money somewhere else...

[lavendertook]

And to start with, if he denies paternity, it will take a big court fight to get paternity tests, and that will take time, especially if she has no money for a good lawyer. It takes money to get money.

[cereta]

If the daughter wants to raise her child, she should have a long conversation with a financial aid counselor at her local community college. She may need to readjust her career plans to something she can do without a four-year degree (many medical professions qualify here), but there are often financial aid options to single parents. She could even do her first year online.

[minoanmiss]

Good luck, LW's daughter, and I hope you have a better source of advice.

[mommy]

"She was doing so well in school, and now this." Pregnancy does not automatically result in doing poorly in school. Plenty of people experience pregnancy and parenthood while simultaneously doing well in school. I'm not aware of any school that automatically lowers a student's GPA just because of pregnancy.

"Our family does not believe in abortion, so she is going to have the baby." These are two separate topics. Members of LW's family do not accept abortion as a viable option. The daughter is her own person, and is pregnant. She's also an adult who doesn't need parental permission for anything.

I'm a little annoyed that Harriette didn't challenge LW's assumptions about their daughter's future. This advice is terrible.