Mom wants 'frumpy' daughter to snag a man

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My 24-year-old gorgeous, loving, and generous daughter dresses (quite honestly) like a messy frump!

This wouldn't be that big of an issue, but she does not have a boyfriend and is extremely lonely.

So far, she has had nothing beyond first or second dates.

Fortunately, we run a trade school and have about 50 eligible men coming through our school each year, but she refuses to keep her hair brushed or wear stylish clothes (even though I've taken her shopping for numerous professional outfits).

It's not that she's depressed or doesn't know any better. Amy, she thinks she looks "just fine" and I'm a "very judgmental mom."

Her dad and I want someone to love her just the way she is, but first impressions matter -- and she makes a poor one.

I have tried to be tactful, matter-of-fact, and even rude.

I have given her clothes, brushes, and hair straighteners. We are almost positive that the reason she has not met the potential "one" yet is because she comes across as a frump.

I assume that you will tell me to stay out of it, but it's hard to do that when I know that if she just tried to jazz up her initial impression a wee bit it would make all the difference in the world.

-- Mom of fantastic frump

Dear Mom: Wow, mom. Your question reads like something pulled from the wayback machine -- when mothers encouraged, coached, or bullied their daughters on how to catch a man. (In the movie version of this, Joan Crawford might play you.)

Your daughter might be lonely, but maybe she doesn't want to date men. Or she might want to date men but perhaps NOT the ones who pass through your trade school. At 24, with full access to options and information, she should be free to make her own choices about how she wants to look and dress.

You've already deployed the nuclear option by being flat-out rude about her looks. I wish you would imagine the impact of this on her. Of course, the pressure you are exerting is not helping her. In fact, it is hurting her. Your description of her comportment and dress is of someone who is trying to be invisible.

If you can't love your own daughter as she is, then how will she gain the confidence to find someone else who loves her as she is?

Ideally, home and family should be a safe harbor from the slings and arrows of the rest of the world. Or, as my mother used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." (Yes, her silence sometimes spoke volumes.)

Your daughter should seek gainful and fulfilling employment, concentrate on her professional and personal development, work on her peer-friendships, and move away from your orbit. These are the only life-skills you should be passing along.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2289250?fs

Comments

[conuly]

Another woman who's overinvested in her daughter's romantic life. If her daughter is going on both first and second dates with multiple men, clearly she's not having any trouble catching their interest.

[rmc28]

Yeah, a lot of first dates don't turn into second dates, so she can't be making *that* bad a first impression. And maybe *she* isn't that impressed with *them* so much to continue.

At least she's aware of - and willing to name it - what a judgmental mother she has.

[tielan]

Ooooooh boooooy...

[cimorene]

Honestly, this answer wasn't harsh enough. Any mom with this perspective needs so much therapy - and it's too much to hope for that she hasn't scarred her child with this emotional abuse already.

[mommy]

Perhaps the daughter doesn't want to date someone who goes to the family trade school because of potential ethical considerations. Perhaps she dislikes hair straighteners and women's professional clothing. Perhaps the men in the area who are attracted to her are a poor match in terms of personality. In any case, mother dearest is way too invested in her daughter's love life.

[cereta]

Wow. Wow. I will admit to some nagging of my kid to run a brush through her hair more than once a week (I exaggerate. A little.), but she's twelve. Good God, LW, you could not be handling this worse if you tried.

[eva_rosen]

My mother used to bug me about fixing my hair (buncha red curls, think Merida only not pretty) to 'show my pretty face', and I might have ended up like Cousin Itt's separate at birth twin just to spite her for a while XD. But that was in my teens; if this mom is this intrusive with her adult daughter she needs lots of terapy and maybe a slap upside the head, jeez. It wouldn't surprise me if the daughter had kept any serious relationship she had well away from her, too.

[ysobel]

"I want someone to love my daughter for who she is, by having my daughter change herself into something she's not."

...

Also, the bit about hair straighteners makes me wonder if there's an element of racism: frumpy because curly?

[ayebydan]

right?

also idk maybe but for a while 'straight hair' was 'the thing' to be pretty and it was bashed on white girls with curly hair too. Making the effort to blowdry AND straighten meant you CARED. IF that is what you mean. I used to have my hair long and didn't straighten it because a, I think they damage air and b, it would take eons as I have so much hair and c, I like the kinks in my hair. ( think a kink every 3-4 cm not rolling curls) My mother spent nearly ten years telling me I 'wasn't making an effort' for letting my natural hair just BE after washing and blowdrying it. I liked it. Maybe Daughter here likes her hair too.

Ngl I'm especially bitter at this cause I ended up with a pixie cut for 4 years and am still growing it back out. Only one kink is about back in and I'm still bitter lol

[amireal]

Is the daughter ACTUALLY lonely or does she have a private life the mom isn't privy to (i.e. the internet, or she's an introvert so she doesn't need the kind of social life the mom imagines)?

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, my mom has some similarities to this one and I definitely didn't let her in on my social life.

[cereta]

Yeah, I kind of wonder, too: it sounds like they work together, and maybe live together, so it sounds like mom is very up in daughter's business just by circumstance. It would not surprise me at all if daughter wanted to keep some things private.

[ayebydan]

As someone with curly hair my mum wishes I'd straighten to the point she bought me GHDs that now sit in HER drawers....screw you LW. Maybe daughter LIKES her hair the way it grows.