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Mom Struggles To Support Daughter Making A Mistake
DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old daughter has been dating a wonderful young man for two years. He's 21, almost 22. He treats her exceptionally well.
She has decided on a whim that she has an itch to know what it's like to be with other people! (They were each other's first everything.) I do understand that thought or itch, but I don't feel it NEEDS to be acted upon.
When she told him, it broke his heart. When I asked him if he was OK, he responded, No, but I will be. I just want her to be happy. It brought tears to my eyes. He's such a wonderful young man.
My daughter has no idea what a huge mistake she's making. Of course I want to support her no matter what, but I feel her actions are mean and selfish. How do I convey this to her but also be supportive? -- EMOTIONAL MOM IN BALTIMORE
DEAR MOM: It is better that the boyfriend knows your daughter's true feelings. Having said what she did has freed him to move on.
Tell her you are glad she confided in you, you think she had a solid gold winner in the young man she has been with for the last two years, and you will always be there to emotionally support her if she needs it. That's all you can do at this point.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2287485
She has decided on a whim that she has an itch to know what it's like to be with other people! (They were each other's first everything.) I do understand that thought or itch, but I don't feel it NEEDS to be acted upon.
When she told him, it broke his heart. When I asked him if he was OK, he responded, No, but I will be. I just want her to be happy. It brought tears to my eyes. He's such a wonderful young man.
My daughter has no idea what a huge mistake she's making. Of course I want to support her no matter what, but I feel her actions are mean and selfish. How do I convey this to her but also be supportive? -- EMOTIONAL MOM IN BALTIMORE
DEAR MOM: It is better that the boyfriend knows your daughter's true feelings. Having said what she did has freed him to move on.
Tell her you are glad she confided in you, you think she had a solid gold winner in the young man she has been with for the last two years, and you will always be there to emotionally support her if she needs it. That's all you can do at this point.
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2287485
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No list of splendid virtues, no shining glorious beacon of Possible Son-in-Lawhood, can or should override her "I don't want to." He apparently can grasp that; you, LW, seem to have problems with it.
Also, it's interesting how this letter minimizes and dismisses the daughter's feelings (whim, itch, mistake) while describing the young man as heartbroken and bringing up LW's tears over the end of a relationship in which she was not a participant. Who is framed as having valid feelings and thoughtful decisions, here? Not LW's daughter, who "has no idea what a huge mistake she's making."
You don't think her feelings NEED to be acted on, LW? Maybe that's not your call. You think she's selfish for breaking up with someone she doesn't want to date anymore? Guess what, that is an area of decisionmaking in which it is entirely appropriate to be selfish and prioritize one's own feelings. (Wasn't it Dear Sugar who had the refrain "wanting to leave is enough"?)
How to be supportive? Stop trying to control your daughter's love life. It's hers to build, break, rebuild, fold, spindle, or mutilate. She's the only one who can decide what risks she's willing to take, and what regrets she doesn't want to have.
(Also if you've been thinking of this young man as quasi-family for years and are afraid of him disappearing from your life... you could actually just try to be his friend? Your relationship with him as a person you like and admire doesn't have to be triangulated through your daughter, and it doesn't seem like the breakup was acrimonious and requiring the taking of sides.)
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Last I checked, it was the 21st century, when we encourage a woman to know her own mind and decide on her own what kind of life she wants, whether she wants to be in a relationship, what kind of relationship(s), or none at all. You should not make the mistake of making her think her happiness depends on finding the right man and sticking to him like glue--unmixed, unfinished, gooey, globby glue. Maybe she's still figuring out her sexuality--don't faint, LW! Maybe she's still figuring out a lot of things about herself that would make no person the right person for her right now to commit to when she has a lot of growing to make on her own. So just because you want to tell her she is making a mistake in not staying with this guy you think is so great, you do not NEED to, and you shouldn't. But it will make her life a happier one if she knows she has a mom who respects her choices and is rooting for her no matter what and will be there for her through all her growing and changing.
LW needs a group like agonyaunt where she can be opinionated as she wants to be about other people's lives, and as opinionated as she wants to be about the opinions of others about those other people's lives, and do no harm to those people because they will never, ever, ever, ever know. I really hope LW has not been making it known to her daughter how lightly she values her honesty and courage to strike out on her own without towing someone else 's heart around for a safety net, because then it may not be only the bf that her daughter will need to shed.