Pregnant Bride-To-Be Imposes A Nonalcoholic Party Policy

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: My friend Nan is planning her wedding and asked if I, along with our friends, would be bridesmaids. Fast-forward a few months: The bride-to-be is now pregnant. We're having our first get-together as a bridal party, and she wants us to serve only nonalcoholic mocktails for our girls' night in. I asked the maid of honor if we could have the option of alcohol, and she said no because that's what the bride wants.

Is it rude to drink in front of a pregnant bride? Obviously, I will honor Nan's wishes, but I'd like a second opinion. Should this no-alcohol policy be in effect for all pre-wedding events (shower, bachelorette party, etc.)? I feel we're all adults and should be able to make our own choices. It's not as if we're going to get wasted at these things. Your thoughts, please? -- PERPLEXED BRIDESMAID

DEAR BRIDESMAID: In most cases, it is not considered rude to consume alcohol in front of someone who is abstaining, although many people choose to refrain, too. In this case, the bride would not have specified that she wanted no alcohol served if she was comfortable with her bridal party drinking when she couldn't join in. Her wishes should take precedence.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2286018

Comments

[jadelennox]

I actually do consider it rude to drink in front of anyone who's abstaining if it's because they're an alcoholic or have family alcohol issues (assuming you know, and are socializing in small groups), and think it's a sign of societal unhealthy obsession with alcohol that this isn't taken as a social given. And if I were out one-on-one with someone who liked drinking but was prohibited from drinking because of health issues (including pregnancy), then yes, I'd find it rude to drink. But I know these are miniority positions.

But in any case, yes, goodness, LW, get over your damn self.

[eleanorjane]

I'm not saying I disagree with you, but I'm curious about And if I were out one-on-one with someone who liked drinking but was prohibited from drinking because of health issues (including pregnancy), then yes, I'd find it rude to drink.

If you were out with someone who was coeliac, would you feel obligated to avoid gluten too?

[naath]

With gluten if a friend was in the habit of complaining mightily that they HATE their enforced gluten free diet then, no, I would not stuff my face with bread in front of them. Because rubbing people's nose is their misfortunes is rude (I have no need to consume bread, you're medical needs may differ). It would depend of course on the friend. If I was visiting their space I would certainly not expect them to provide glutenous products.

It would depend of course on the friend.

Alcohol (and other drugs) are different because they affect social interactions though; being the only sober person in a room of drunk/stoned/high people is kinda terrible, especially if you want to partake and can't.

[jadelennox]

As a person with a wheat allergy, I have actually though about this many times!

Alcohol is weirdly the center of so many cultural norms for socialization, in a way that wheat just isn’t. So to be more precise, I don’t find it rude to drink a glass of wine with dinner around someone who is pregnant — assuming equivalent tasty beverages are available to the teetotaler— but I would find it rude to go out to dinner and have multiple cocktails, or to meet at a bar because my non drinking friend could have a coke, or some such. If alcohol is acting as the social lubricant for the evening, then come up with a social lubricant available to everyone.

The equivalent for me as a person with a wheat allergy is that I am fine when my friends eat wheat in front of me, but get cranky when someone proposes we go out to a bakery or a bier garden, because the entire social event revolves around something I can’t participate in.

(These days, in fact, very little is excluded from wheat avoiders, which comes back to that “assuming equivalent tasty” thing above. If the bakery has delicious GF cookies, that’s different from them only offering a single prepackaged stake GF brownie. A restaurant that has exciting and fun mocktails is different from one which lets teetotalers choose between a Pepsi and a glass of water.)

[eleanorjane]

Those are really good analogies - thankyou :) I realised after the fact that I had sort of framed my comment like a bit of a gotcha - not my intent; I'm just trying to puzzle out why we treat alcohol so very differently.

Because yeah, in my experience, people treat "drinking in front of an enforced non drinker" (addiction issues aside) very differently from "eating ice cream in front of someone who can't eat dairy", and I'm just trying to unearth my own unexamined assumptions around the idea.

[sporky_rat]

Not the OP, but yes, because cross contamination.

(I have a deathly strawberry allergy to the point of sliced strawberries being on the table will make me react, I'm Very Careful with food allergies and illnesses.)

[eleanorjane]

Oh yeah, food allergies with that level of sensitivity deserve extremely careful handling from everyone. And it's enraging how many people dismiss or minimise (or outright disbelieve) the allergic when they're trying to, you know, stay alive.