My In-Laws Treat My House Like a Port-a-Potty

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

I have what I consider an unusual problem: My in-laws like to use my home as a public bathroom. Some of them even live within a mile of my home! They will leave their house, stop by to briefly “say hi,” then borrow my bathroom. The main complaint is the mess that is left for me to clean up. It is not uncommon to find puddles of urine or smears on the toilet seat. In the last instance, my sister-in-law (who lives a few hours away) stopped by, specifically told me that she was about to “poop on herself,” used my bathroom, and immediately left to attend a family event just a few houses down! Once again, the mess left was disgusting. How on earth do I let these people know that they cannot drop by whenever they want just to “go potty”?! I am beyond horrified to be placed in this situation. My husband is aware of the situation, and while he hates it, he has made no move to address it.

—In-Laws Treat My House Like a Port-a-John

I also consider this an unusual problem, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this! Leaving open the possibility that your relatives all suffer from various gastric ailments that might make finding a bathroom in a hurry a medical necessity, you still have grounds to blend compassion with firmness and tell them they’ll need to make alternate arrangements. Nothing’s keeping them from cleaning up after themselves, so I think it’s likelier that you’re dealing with thoughtlessness and entitlement (if not an active delight in upsetting and disgusting you). Is your husband willing to go along with you in this? If you’re the only one holding the line, then he gives in when someone stops by when you’re not around, you’re going to find yourself in an even more taxing situation than you were before, so it’s important that he agrees to back you up. If his fear is too great, perhaps you could get him to at least agree to pretend not to be home, so he can continue to avoid conflict without undermining your attempts to get your home back.

The only challenge for you, I think, will be your willingness to say something slightly embarrassing: “I’m so sorry, I can’t offer you the use of my bathroom anymore. We’ve found such a mess after you’ve used it in the past that we’ve had to scrub stains off the toilet and urine off of the floor.” But if you’re willing to do that (and it’s surely less taxing than continuing to clean up after them), you’re home free. I’d advise you to do this before someone shows up at your front door again, because it may feel harder to establish this boundary for the first time with someone claiming emergency. But if anyone shows up after you’ve made yourself clear and tries to pressure you by claiming they’re about to have an accident, then you’re in classic “Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” territory. Remind them, “I’m sorry, but we’ve talked about this, and I’ve already made myself clear. There’s a coffee shop about a mile down the road. Best of luck making alternate arrangements in the future.”

https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/10/dear-prudence-in-laws-treat-house-like-port-a-potty.html

Comments

[eva_rosen]

Ewww. I'd rush after them when they come out of the bathroom and tell them to go back and leave it as they found it. And I would't hesitate to tell what they've done on a social gathering if they refused. LW doesn't say if she has more than one bathroom on their house, but if they do, and the husband refuses to back her up, the mess should be there waiting for him to clean it up.

[cereta]

I was going to say if hubby isn't willing to put his foot down, then the messes should be his job.

[cimorene]

Yeah, I mean, the above suggestion is reasonable enough IF you've completely accepted that you can't make your husband take responsibility and have to do it yourself, but the whole your-family-your-conversation division of labor should DEFINITELY apply here first!

[shirou]

Agreed on having the conversation. I didn't read "he has made no move to address it," as a stubborn refusal. Husband might step up after a serious discussion with LW where they get on the same page. I, too, would initially make no move to address a situation like this because I'd be so horrified I wouldn't know how to address it!

[movingfinger]

I can think of nothing so pertinent as animals' instinctual marking, but these people know what they are doing, because they are human beings who are not alien to the cultural norms of human toileting, and worldwide, leaving a mess in the toilet is an act of disrespect and contempt.

I like the script for tearing the band-aid off and bluntly calling the fouling what it is. Send it as a group email or texts to all of the offenders together. Show them they are seen.

If the husband continues to neither back her up nor clean up after his family's visits, she should reasses her relations with his family and him.

[xenacryst]

Enh, I'm not sure they do know what they're doing. I work on an office floor with dozens of male computer wonks, and the instant they enter the bathroom they lose whatever sense of spatial maturity they ever gained. I'm reasonably well convinced that they have no idea how disgusting it is to see puddles and piles of paper towels all over the floor. Not that this excuses them, mind you.

[eva_rosen]

Oh, they know, because you don't go to these people's houses and see their bathroom in the same state. I had a co-worker who never flushed the toilet, until other co-worker bluntly told him 'I'm really under no obligation of having to see your piss or shit, and neither is anyone else', because often these pigs are counting on everyone else being too embarrased to say anything.

[conuly]

In their homes, the magical cleaning fairies (ie, their mom or their spouse or their roomie) takes care of it for them.

[lavendertook]

If you Iive with someone and you're the only one who cleans the bathroom, stop living with them now because they think they are better than you and your life will be better without them. If you are cleaning up after their whole extended family, make that departure yesterday. I know women often can't just leave, but they really, really should and I'm sorry they can't.

Here's an idea, take a very long vacation to stay with your relatives or friends without your husband--a month minimum, and see how husband deals with his relatives. Maybe he'll come up with a plan of his own by then. Enjoy!!!

And if he didn't clean the bathroom in all that time, insist he does it because you contributed nothing to the dirt. You may have to fight. It will be easier to make him deal with it, thereafter.