Ask Amy: Hyacinth Bucket lives

[movingfinger]

Dear Amy: I hosted a holiday dinner at my home. My guests included family and close friends.

I set the table with my good china and very expensive crystal. During the course of the dinner, when a piece of crystal knocked over on the table but didn't break, I jokingly said, "Be careful with the crystal. You break, you pay!" but immediately said I was kidding.

The table guests exploded with comments. Two of my guests stated that if they accidentally broke the crystal, they wouldn't feel it was their responsibility to offer to replace the broken crystal, because it was my choice to set the table with them.

I was horrified by their comments. My response was that I would never expect someone to pay for the crystal, but I would be offended if they didn't offer.

The crystal replacement per glass was $200. The guests were well aware of the cost, as it was part of the conversation. The rest agreed with my comment.

What is the proper etiquette in this situation?

I have been really bothered by their flippant response.

I won't be setting my crystal out anymore for those guests!

Crystalized

Crystalized: When you’re a guest in someone’s home and break something that belongs to the host, I agree that it is polite to offer to replace the item. And, yes, it is also polite for the host to refuse the offer. This is graciousness flowing in both directions. But — what if there is no obvious fault to be found? What if the crystal glass is tipped over by a serving dish being passed from one guest to another? Would your gathering then turn into a faultfinding party, to sniff out who should disingenuously offer to pay for the item?

I honestly think you missed the politeness mark by a mile when, in the moment, you introduced the concept of “you break it, you bought it,” and then were further “offended” by the lively discussion that followed.

It is truly a joy to entertain using your best things. But when you do so, you assume the risk associated with using these items. If you don’t want to assume the risk, then yes — leave these precious things in the cabinet.

Things are things and can be replaced. People? Not so much.

Comments

[movingfinger]

I have a sense that (and I have not picked up Emily Post to check this) discussing the price of the table setting pieces is either impertinent or boastful. For a guest to raise it is impertinent and for the host, boasting.

I am also fascinated to observe, in the wild, someone using crystal which seems to have been recently purchased.

[jadelennox]

Miss Manners would have torn this LW a new one -- possible for the careless joke, but absolutely for the rest of the conversation.

[xenacryst]

I have been really bothered by their flippant response.

Flippant responses are the result of flippant comments. If you want to not be bothered by the responses, refrain from making the original comment. That's, like, 101.

[lavendertook]

Ah, the lives of people who buy a set of crystal in which each piece is worth $200! Do we actually observe 1%ers in the wild? *puts on lab coat* LW makes flippant joke about their costly crystal. Guests in turn make flippant comments about costly crystal LW has told them the great cost of. All prove so very charming in the process. Conclusion: Things "can be replaced" and people "not so much." Let's hope that's true with these people. I don't care about this problem!

[cimorene]

This person could be a millionaire and still fall well short of the 1%, and from the few people in or near that category whom I've met, that kind of place setting would be somewhat plausible.

The idea does make me wonder if there's an income disparity between host and the guests in question, though, because it could definitely explain not making the offer. (ETA: Regardless of how closely related, if the people in question are even like, halfway to millionaires and showing off wealth at a party, I definitely would not offer, and I think most people wouldn't.)

[lavendertook]

Yes, a millionaire in the US means you have a net worth to not quite be able to retire at 65 and be certain you will have enough to live on to your mid 80's (depending on the ups and downs of the market and where you live in the US and the healthcare lottery card you are dealt), and be able to live on a little less than a median income in your old age. That's a good place to be, but it doesn't mean what it used to mean.

So you probably wouldn't be spending your money on glassware that is $200 a piece with enough pieces to use at a dinner party unless you had at least a couple of millions to throw around, or perhaps that is your one extravagant thing you collect in life, or live fast and with debt, as do many USians. You have to have closer to a billion to approach the 1%.

[ethelmay]

The threshold for top 1% by income is about US$380,000 per year. Threshold for top 1% by net worth about $8.4 million.

[naath]

Globally you need a bit shy of a million to be top 1%; top 1% of USA maybe more.

I serve my friends from crockery I can afford to break, because I'm not stuck up enough to own breakable things I can't afford to beak when more affordable (to me) options are available. I suspect LW of either trying to convince rich friends that they too are rich or to impress poor friends with their richness.

[staranise]

Right?! This is such a foreign question to me. And WHAT happens if a guest borrows your polo pony and it falls into your private lake, I ask?!

[naath]

Ah, no, we observe someone who is foolishly trying to 'keep up with the Joneses' by spending far more than they can really afford on table settings. Hyacinth Bucket is quite an apt comparison (also my mother)

[lemonsharks]

I want to be so rich I can afford to pay $200 per crystal goblet to serve my friends with.

I'd use it to buy a full set of calamityware and give the rest to my favorite catshelter.

[ambyr]

I am assuming these are family heirlooms, and that part of why the replacement cost is so high is the difficulty of matching vintage sets. But speaking as someone who has and uses inherited vintage housewares...you accept a certain rate of loss when you do that. I didn’t get the full 16 settings my great-grandma started with, and whoever inherits from me will have considerably less. So it goes.

[ayebydan]

I hope anyone with this attitude never serves me using their china. Don't assume your guests can afford to replace something like that.

[staranise]

INORITE. Visiting rich peoples' houses just got a bit scarier.