Wife's not interested in cheating husband's epiphany

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn:

My wife and I separated a few months ago. I had felt lonely and unsatisfied in our marriage and consequently developed feelings for another woman. My wife found out, I moved out, and I moved on with my affair partner.

It was the worst mistake of my life. Once the newness of the relationship wore off, we fought constantly and ended up breaking up.

Now I'm realizing how stupid and selfish I've been. I had felt lonely and trapped in our marriage because my wife was spending all her time taking care of our kids, and I had grown to resent her for it. But I wasn't helpful, I wasn't present, and I regret not communicating with her. My selfishness led to the breakdown of my marriage and I am truly sorry.

So far we're just separated, not divorcing, but she refuses to talk to me. I tried calling, emailing, texting, showing up at her work, getting in touch with her friends, but I'm hitting a wall. I haven't seen the kids because she refuses to talk to me. I just want to tell her I'm sorry. What's the best way to proceed?

-- Ex

Showing up at her work? Oh my no.

The best way to proceed is to get yourself well. You've had an epiphany, that's excellent, and it seems genuine -- but that doesn't mean your wife has any reason to think it's anything other than a matter of your affair fizzling and your wanting to get back to a warm bed again. And your efforts to talk to her have crossed some serious boundaries: not just dragging your problems into her workplace, but putting friends in a terrible position.

So stop. Stop pressuring her to talk to you, immediately. Respect her right to be furious at you and completely uninterested in hearing what you have to say. That's basic.

A more sophisticated respect for her -- and, more important, respect for yourself -- means you stop trying to fix your marriage and instead get help for the thing that broke it. When you felt lonely and trapped, you didn't tell her, "I feel lonely and trapped." You didn't invest yourself in your kids, you dumped all the work on her. When your unhappiness metastasized into anger, you didn't say, "I'm angry." Instead you sought pleasure.

This doesn't make you a monster -- you're human. But you're an acutely immature human, in need of remedial emotional work. So get it, please. Good therapy, spiritual guidance if appropriate, and a good hard stare-down with your frailties.

I've found this exercise useful: Scour your past for times you were dead certain you were wronged by someone, and see these incidents with new eyes. Were you really so blameless? Isn't it possible you just defaulted to thinking you were right, because it was you and you meant well (of course!), but in fact you were partly, if not entirely, in the wrong? Challenging yourself like this is like antiseptic on a cut -- sharply painful, strangely satisfying and crucial to proper healing. Get to it.

Meantime, you screwed up as a spouse but you have a right to see your kids. Look up local mediation resources. You and she can talk when she's ready to talk.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/carolynhax/s-2275544

Comments

[cereta]

I'm not so sure about the exercise, but this is generally solid advice, put more tactfully than I might have. It seems to be a common refrain around here: just because you realize you behaved badly and are sorry about it does not behoove the person you hurt to either forgive you or let you back into their lives.

I'm kind of side-eyeing both LW and his wife on the "hasn't seen his kids" for, what, at least "a few months." It's absolutely inappropriate for her to keep the kids from him, but I have to say that the fact that he has done nothing about this, and seems more invested in getting her to take him back than in seeing them, makes me doubt his commitment to sparkle motion. I suspect he has a LOT of work to do on himself, and I'm not convinced he has the insight to do it.

[conuly]

Especially as, by his own admission, he was really butthurt that his wife spent more time raising the kids than with him - and he didn't help much.

[cereta]

Yeah, I mean...I come down pretty hard on the, "short of detriment to the children, it's important for each parent to support the children's relationship with the other parent" side, but both the summary of the situation and the way he tosses not having seen them in like an afterthought definitely make me side-eye him more than I do his wife.

[kukla_red]

When I went through my very contentious divorce, I never tried to prevent my kids from seeing their father. I even got them cell phones (at a much earlier age than I would have under other circumstances) and gave him their numbers so he could call them and make his own arrangements to see them. He didn't call or contact them or me in any way for 3 years. Suddenly, I got served with papers charging me with preventing him from seeing the kids - something I had never done.

What I'm trying to say here is that just because this guy says he hasn't seen his kids because of his ex, it doesn't make it true.

[cereta]

Oh, I'm perfectly prepared to believe that. If absolutely nothing else, I get no sense that he has actually tried to see his kids.

[gingicat]

I am so sorry you had to go through that.

[movingfinger]

There's an idea that "sorry" is an end, a cutoff, a period to a sentence. But it isn't. It's the first word of another narrative.

He thinks that realizing, or at least saying, that he screwed up and that he is sorry is enough for a game reset, but it's a whole new game now with different rules.

[watersword]

There's an idea that "sorry" is an end, a cutoff, a period to a sentence. But it isn't. It's the first word of another narrative.

That's such a great way of putting it.

[ayebydan]

The kids are the issue here but I can understand why wife isn't letting him see them when he is showing so many stalkerish tendencies. Get a court to settle custody arrangements and accept your marriage is over.

[xenacryst]

The only thing (and it's not nothing) in this letter that gives me any hope for the dude is that he wrote it in the first place and actually asked what the best way to proceed was. Aside from that, I'm definitely questioning his motives here.

[resonant]

I don't have a lot of patience with this guy.

He feels his wife should be giving him more attention, and "consequently" he "develop[s] feelings" for someone else; he doesn't say at what point he *made the decision* not just to have feelings but actually to, you know, go to bed with her.

He and his new partner "ended up breaking up" -- another thing that apparently just happened without his making any decisions.

He regrets not being "helpful" -- as if taking care of their children were her job but he wishes he'd given her a hand with *her* chores now and then.

Somehow it doesn't occur to him that showing up at her job is a massive violation.

"I haven't seen the kids because she refuses to talk to me." -- in another context I might take that as meaning she's actively standing between him and a relationship with his kids, but in light of the other things he says, I think it's equally likely that he just means "I haven't seen the kids because she hasn't accepted my apology and let me move back home and go back to the way it was before."

"I just want to tell her I'm sorry" -- "I just want her to listen to me and hear all about my feeelings."

I don't know where a person goes to get help working out a parenting arrangement when the parents are separated, but I'll bet a divorce attorney would, and that's who he needs to "communicate" with.

[minoanmiss]

Word. So much word.

Letters like this are why I'm not an advice columnist, because I really want to answer "What's the best way to proceed" with "Auto-defenestration."

[cereta]

I'd especially like to add the detail that "she was spending all her time taking care of our kids" + showing up at her work = she was working and still doing what sounds like all of the childcare. I don't know how old these kids are, but if they are old enough to work a phone, I am unsurprised that they haven't contacted him.

[resonant]

Wow, I didn't even catch that.

[tielan]

Candid response:

Mate, you done fucked up good.

Luckily it sounds like you've worked that much out. Now for the hard part: accepting that maybe there ain't no way back from 'done fucked up'.

Your wife has the right not to see you and not to want you back. You can press for your 'husbandly rights' but you gave them up when you cheated on her and you don't get them back just because you have regrets.

Your children may not want to have to deal with the man who thought so little of them that he couldn't help his wife bring them up, but preferred to playboy it up with another woman than put in any parenting effort. You don't have a right to your children's love or respect, particularly since it sounds like you not only dumped your wife, you dumped your kids, too, since you're now trying to see them again.

You're sorry for what you've done? Excellent start. But any further reconciliation is up to the other parties in your relationships - the ones you've wronged. You are owed absolutely FUCK ALL because you tossed them in the trash when you walked away. Now, you get to start from scratch again, building trust, being reliable, showing them love that doesn't demand they come and meet you where you're at, but which goes out to them. In all honesty, I doubt you actually have the maturity for that, but you can develop that - as Carolyn suggests.

But you don't get to just walk in the door and have everything back. You hurt people - tore them apart with your selfishness - and they have every reason to not want to risk a relationship with you again. And you'll just have to live with it.

Good luck with the rebuild.