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My Sister Helped My Daughter Get a Tattoo!
My half sister is 19. I am in my 40s. As you can imagine, we do not have a lot in common, but have always had a pleasant and civil relationship—until last week.
My 16-year-old daughter has been begging us to let her get a tattoo for at least a year (in our area, you need an adult guardian’s permission unless you are over 18, which seems completely reasonable to me). She just wants to get the birthdate of her (deceased) little brother on her shoulder blade, which I am, of course, extremely sympathetic to. However, her father and I have been extremely clear that she can get this tattoo when she is 18, and not before.
Well, last week she came home with a fresh tattoo on her shoulder blade (to her credit, she did not try to hide it), and after some frantic and pointed questioning, she owned up that my half sister had filled out the permission paperwork and pretended to be her guardian. (Apparently the local tattoo parlor is not exactly running the world’s tightest ship.)
I am so angry. I can’t find it in me to be more than a little angry with my child, because it makes me tremendously sad to think of our loss, and I don’t want to yell at her for wanting a permanent reminder of his short life, even though she went behind our back and did so against our explicit instructions (she is extremely grounded, obviously).
I am angry at my sister. I made a scathing call to the tattoo parlor, which helped me work some of that out, but I just cannot shake my anger at my sister. What can I do here?
—Boiling
Dear Boiling,
Of course you are angry! This was a betrayal. And you are angry at the correct person, the adult who lied on the form and allowed your teenager to get a permanent body modification that you had explicitly forbidden her to get. Two years is a short time, but a very long time in terms of brain development, and although I suspect she will not really regret this tattoo, you were very right to tell her she had to wait until she no longer needed your permission.
You can be angry. It happened a week ago! You have not said if your sister has apologized, or if you think this was a “fuck you” designed to get your goat, or even if you have spoken to her since.
Take some time. Take enough time that you are not imagining punching her. Write her a really angry letter on paper and then burn it. When you are only angry, and not boiling, have a sit-down and tell her how you feel. Ask her what her thought process was. Tell her that this has obliterated, at least for a time, your trust in her. She is barely older than your daughter, and I hope that this will help temper your anger a little.
You need not go to your grave cursing her name. You do not need to end this relationship forever. But you do need to move forward having said your piece. She needs to know what a fuckup this was.
Time will make this easier. Don’t yell. Wait. Then talk.
I’m tremendously sorry for the loss of your son.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/forbidden-tattoos-care-and-feeding.html
My 16-year-old daughter has been begging us to let her get a tattoo for at least a year (in our area, you need an adult guardian’s permission unless you are over 18, which seems completely reasonable to me). She just wants to get the birthdate of her (deceased) little brother on her shoulder blade, which I am, of course, extremely sympathetic to. However, her father and I have been extremely clear that she can get this tattoo when she is 18, and not before.
Well, last week she came home with a fresh tattoo on her shoulder blade (to her credit, she did not try to hide it), and after some frantic and pointed questioning, she owned up that my half sister had filled out the permission paperwork and pretended to be her guardian. (Apparently the local tattoo parlor is not exactly running the world’s tightest ship.)
I am so angry. I can’t find it in me to be more than a little angry with my child, because it makes me tremendously sad to think of our loss, and I don’t want to yell at her for wanting a permanent reminder of his short life, even though she went behind our back and did so against our explicit instructions (she is extremely grounded, obviously).
I am angry at my sister. I made a scathing call to the tattoo parlor, which helped me work some of that out, but I just cannot shake my anger at my sister. What can I do here?
—Boiling
Dear Boiling,
Of course you are angry! This was a betrayal. And you are angry at the correct person, the adult who lied on the form and allowed your teenager to get a permanent body modification that you had explicitly forbidden her to get. Two years is a short time, but a very long time in terms of brain development, and although I suspect she will not really regret this tattoo, you were very right to tell her she had to wait until she no longer needed your permission.
You can be angry. It happened a week ago! You have not said if your sister has apologized, or if you think this was a “fuck you” designed to get your goat, or even if you have spoken to her since.
Take some time. Take enough time that you are not imagining punching her. Write her a really angry letter on paper and then burn it. When you are only angry, and not boiling, have a sit-down and tell her how you feel. Ask her what her thought process was. Tell her that this has obliterated, at least for a time, your trust in her. She is barely older than your daughter, and I hope that this will help temper your anger a little.
You need not go to your grave cursing her name. You do not need to end this relationship forever. But you do need to move forward having said your piece. She needs to know what a fuckup this was.
Time will make this easier. Don’t yell. Wait. Then talk.
I’m tremendously sorry for the loss of your son.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/09/forbidden-tattoos-care-and-feeding.html
no subject
Tattoos are removable these days. The shrilling about "PERMANENT BODY MODIFICATION" can be set aside, especially for a small shoulderblade tattoo. (Does the 16 YO have pierced ears, I wonder. This argument used to happen around that in many families.)
As for the 19 YO, lying about guardianship is a big deal, but without knowing more about the family dynamic, it's hard to see this as malicious or more than wanting to be the cool older friend with car keys and money.
no subject
no subject
Parents are clearly angrier about being disobeyed than about the tattoo.