Do I Have To Attend My Abusive Mother’s Funeral? in Miss Manners

[purlewe]

 DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother is suspected of having narcissistic personality disorder -- one of the worst cases many have seen. Throughout my life, I was subject to verbal and physical abuse, as well as unreasonable demands to allow her control over my life, and further abuse if I deviated from whatever nonsense she dictated -- well into adulthood.

In my 30s, I began distancing myself from her, and her behavior became increasingly deranged. She began lying about me to friends and family, accusing me of suffering from mental illnesses I certainly don’t have.

As a result, in my 40s, I cut her out of my life completely and stopped responding to calls or emails. She then cut me out of her significant will, yet continued sending emails and leaving voicemails abusing me, and accusing me of shirking my duties toward her as she aged and grew ill.

She is now expected to die within three years due to numerous chronic diseases. When she dies, frankly, I will be relieved and grateful that I will no longer be subject to her sharp abuses that still leave me feeling like a vulnerable child. I will not mourn her, nor am I willing to lie and talk about how wonderful she was, when clearly she was anything but wonderful to me.

Do I have to attend her funeral? What should I say to those who offer condolences? Am I obligated to appear as a loving daughter after she dies?

GENTLE READER: You no doubt have a plethora of people, degreed or otherwise, ready to give you advice on why and how to make up with your mother before she dies. Miss Manners can instead answer the question you asked, namely how to behave after she is gone, assuming that no deathbed resolution occurred.

We do not speak ill of the dead because our sense of fair play demands that the subject of any accusation has a chance to defend herself, and this will clearly no longer be possible. But speaking ill and thinking ill of the dead are not the same. And one can refrain from saying harsh things without pretending everything was wonderful.

If things were so bad when she was alive that you had to cut off all relations, then etiquette makes no demand that you attend the funeral. If, however, you do attend -- or if people express their condolences to you -- the proper response is dignified and short: a serious “thank you,” without elaboration..

Comments

[purlewe]

I felt this actually was helpful without getting into the nitty gritty with people about the abuse. I also love the "speaking and thinking ill of the dead are not the same". As always Miss Manners is succinct.

[lemonsharks]

I am not an advice columnist because my instinct is "Skip the funeral, therapist- and lawyer-up, and contest the fuck out of the old bat's will. LW lived through her abuse and deserves to be compensated for it."

[heavenscalyx]

YESSSSSSSSS

Though LW may not want that kind of yearslong entanglement and may be happier just being free of their mother. I can absolutely get that too.

[minoanmiss]

That's an interesting question. That's certainly what I'd recommend to anyone else, but for my part... my parents sent me to (an expensive) college (admittedly with loans on my part that will ruin my credit for my whole life). If they want to leave everything to their New Daughter or their church or Operation Rescue I'd rather let whomever else have it and just be done with them for good.

[lemonsharks]

For me it would on how sizable the estate is -- the larger the estate, the more spitefully (in very very general) I'd go after it.

[purlewe]

yup. this would be my feelings about it. If the money goes elsewhere I wouldn't mind bc it would be one less thing to deal with.

[lavendertook]

As far as contesting the will, I don't know all the legalities, but if it's a well constructed will, her mom can dispose of her money however she wants.

I think LW would need to file for damages for the abuse before her mom dies, rather than contesting the will, and maybe she'd have a chance of that, but I doubt that is grounds for contesting a will. But, I haven't studied law, and I could well be wrong and maybe there is precedent for contesting a will on the grounds of suffering abuse.

[minoanmiss]

*takes notes*

Also, LW, if you're up for it, write Captain Awkward for advice/encouragement on how to deal with the idjits who will "recommend" you reconcile.

[purlewe]

I love this too.

[lilysea]

I'm really not onboard with the whole "don't speak ill of the dead" thing.

I mean, sure, don't say anything untrue.

But "my mother was severely abusive and badly hurt me" is equally ok to say whether your mother is alive, or whether she is dead.

Often it's only WHEN someone is safely dead that you can actually be honest about just how badly they hurt you.

[purlewe]

I admit, I do this. And I do it now while mine is alive. But I use it as a way to get them to stop asking me to reconcile. "do you recommend all people to reconcile with their abusers? or just reconcile with abusive parents?" that usually gets them to stop.

[lilysea]

I admit, I do this. And I do it now while mine is alive. But I use it as a way to get them to stop asking me to reconcile. "do you recommend all people to reconcile with their abusers? or just reconcile with abusive parents?" that usually gets them to stop.

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." - Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

[laurajv]

I remember having to say something similar once, when a friend revealed that he'd broken up with a girlfriend because she liked to punch him when she got drunk, which was often. People told him he was "violating her privacy" by telling people that. It's ASTOUNDING the things people will say to victims of abuse.

[julian]

I had the weirdest fucking conversation with someone about that.

This was a spontaneous and peculiarly deep conversation I was having with a random organic store owner.

*She herself* had just said she had, basically, given up on her biological family, that she had written a letter to them saying Various Things and pretty much cutting them off. (It was one of those situations where, as just one symptom, they expected her to be *at* every damn family event, but put no effort into asking her about them, and various other long-term manipulative and harmful dynamics.)

So I said my partner had cut off contact with her family, and she was like, "Oh, I hope not forever!"

And I was like... Pause pause... "Well, her mother was abusive. It may not be forever, and she's gotten back in contact with her father, but not her mother yet. I would have thought you'd understand, given your own situation."

People are effing weird.

[julian]

I mean, basically, if it's just, "I'm sorry to hear about your mother" at the funeral, I'm fine with "Thank you."

If it's, "Why didn't you get back in touch with her?! It was killing her!" then yeah, I'm good with saying whatever seems most specific and relevant to the actual question. Because get a grip, people.

[jadelennox]

Yes, but there's a metatext here, which is that the LW wrote to Miss Manners. So the questions aren't the questions they'd be if the LW had written to someone like Captain Awkward or Prudie. LW is asking:

1. Am I required to attend her funeral by the rules of polite society?
2. How do I, with courtesy, respond to expressions of sympathy that assume I'm grieving, without being dishonest and faking something I refuse to fake?

Miss Manners' response was spot on for that.

If they'd written to CA or DP the questions would have meant something more like

1. Will I be making drama if I don't go to the funeral?
2. Can I tell random sympathizers the truth or will that backfire on me? And also how can I make nosy people go away?

An equally valid set of questions. Miss Manners' is very fond of brusque courtesy to cut off well-meaning unwanted questions, and cold courtesy to cut off nosy assholes. Where her answers stop being helpful is where they get more into the Ask A Manager or Captain Awkward territory: the questioner persists to the point of the LW's pain or inconvenience; no kind of courteous brush-off works; and just removing oneself from the situation is either impossible (because it's at work, or the LW has currently inextricable dependencies on the person causing pain) or removing oneself will cause further drama or pain.

[lavendertook]

I agree MM answered the questions about the demands of "polite society" well at the end of her response and that you are right that this is what the LW "probably" chose this venue for, but it's possible she just didn't know better advice columns to go to for dealing with abusive situations.

The problem is that MM went beyond the direct questions and started her answer with a coy behest for the LW to make up with her mother while denying she was getting into that issue--a coyness that is always inappropriate with the subject of abuse, which goes beyond the dictates of polite white, propertied society's etiquette, and the rotten side of what those rules of politeness are designed to hide. They are designed to keep the vulnerable from naming their abuse by the powerful in this iteration and not for kindness, the good uses of this kind of speech.

MM phrases her initial response in such a way that, on the surface it can be taken as a behest to make up with her mother, or conversely as an ironic slap at the people who are advising this, allowing her to be noncommittal. This indeterminacy of language is not a kind response to such a painful issue and the rules of kindness supersede the rules of politeness, in my personal rulebook. And if MM is trying to be direct in saying the LW should reconcile with an abusive mother, she phrased it badly, and I also call bullshit on this advice.

And about "fair play" in speaking ill of the dead by the living, where was the fair play when a bigger person abused a smaller one in her care? I would like to have seen MM say that the LW's needs for healing might be more important to worry about than breaking the rules of polite society before giving her then that useful advice about it being OK to not go to the funeral and, if she goes, how to interacti with people the LW does not wish to speak more intimately with but wants to have a polite relationship. You're right--she just may not know how to handle discussions of abuse and how to respond to those who are subject to it, and answers badly.

[lavendertook]

My Mom had many good qualities, but she was abusive to me and all her friends agreed she was difficult and I'm so grateful I heard that from them, which I wouldn't have if I spoke no ill of the dead, so phooey on that advice. My Dad was sweet in many ways but he was an enabler to her controlling ways, and I can't allow all the blame to be put on my Mom when he was an adult and failed to enact equal responsibility. I have not been struck dead for saying these things and am stronger for it, no matter how disapproving Miss Manners would be of me letting my freak flag fly. I find Miss Manners advice here to be harmful. And it sounds like the LW endured worse abuse than me--I hope she gets the support she needs.

Funerals and what not are garbage compared to the LW doing whatever she needs for healing and getting help dealing with her pain. Reconciling with someone who continues to abuse her after she tried to distance herself is also not possible--period. What I regret is that I did not work on distancing myself until a few years before my mom died and I wish I had done so much sooner.