Care and Feeding: Parent Exhausted By Kid's Activities

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 12-year-old son is an extreme extrovert. He is into band, choir, soccer, swim team, dance class. He is starring in the school musical this year. He has activities pretty much every school night and would love to add more to his calendar.

I, however, am an anxious introvert who hates having to be a “soccer mom,” “stage mom,” “dance mom,” etc. My worst nightmare is being forced to spend tons of time with the other parents of kids in these activities. They assume that we can all donate $50 for matching uniform jackets. Or they make a decision about which “cool” hotel the whole team should stay at, which is always out of my budget. Or they want us to sign up for 20 hours of volunteer work during the season. Even little things, like sitting and making small talk during practice, can be excruciating. Sometimes I hide in my car.

It’s not their fault—they are stable, middle class, married adults who have plenty of time and resources to devote to these extra parenting duties. But for me, it’s always a huge deal. I already struggle with awkward social situations, so forcing me to confront social hierarchies for every group my kid joins is exhausting and makes me just want to quit.

At the same time, my kiddo is an only child, an only grandchild, has no neighborhood kids to play with … he needs this outlet. I’m proud of him for being so brave and talented. Still, I need to not have to constantly be on alert for a new way to feel inferior. I go to counseling for my own issues, but I need to know: Is there a balance? Does being a good parent mean being constantly uncomfortable and anxious in every single public parenting event ever, sometimes for a full weekend at a time, for the rest of my life?

As I’m writing I’m aware that some of this is my own insecurity about being young, single, poor. But some is legitimately about socializing as a person who enjoys alone time. After I’ve worked a full day, should I have to go deal with snooty people for several more hours every single night? Can I limit it, or is that me being a selfish parent? How many nights a week is required for me to be doing my motherly duty?

—This Is Exhausting!

Dear TIE,

I would hack and burn my way out of these obligations whenever possible. Only one woman could handle doing all this nonsense, and that woman is Reese Witherspoon. If you are not Reese Witherspoon, you have my permission to sit down with your 12-year-old and ask him to rank his activities in order of his enthusiasm for them.

This is a two-step cull. The first step is to tell him that you have only so much time and money (there is nothing wrong, and a great deal right, about making your kids aware that money is not an infinite resource), and it’s not possible for you to support him in doing an unlimited number of extracurriculars and activities. Sit down and think about which ones are the most expensive/taxing/exhausting for you while he thinks about which ones are the most energizing/enjoyable/important for him, and talk together about which ones to cut. This is good for him! You are not asking him to do something unreasonable.

The second step is to begin coolly refusing to do optional nonsense associated with the smaller list of activities he truly wants to do. “That’s not in my budget” is a perfectly acceptable sentence, as is “that simply won’t be possible” when you are asked to spend your weekend making origami cranes shoulder to shoulder with other parents. You also don’t have to be as involved in the activities of your 12-year-old, to be honest. It’s OK to just drop him off and pick him up. This is your life too! You have every right to try to make it enjoyable, or at least survivable.

Be strong, my sister. I support you.

Comments

[cereta]

First, an addendum to the advice: Figure out which parental duties are optional and which aren't. Parents of kids in the small fanperson's school's musical are absolutely required to do kid-minding X hours a play. If you don't sign up, you are assigned hours. If you don't show up for those, your kid doesn't get to participate the next year. I assume they make exceptions for certain circumstances, but they're not exactly forthcoming about what those might be.

That said, your best bet with such things is to volunteer early so you have your pick of which chores to engage in. Some can be completed without a great deal of human contact (prop creation, typing up a program), but even for those that can't, having your pick of days is a big help.

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help. Are any of those grandparents able and willing to take on, say, snack duty one month? Or just hanging-around duty? There are lots of very involved grandparents and other relations at sfp's school, and we've accepted help from local found-family when needed.

All that said, yes, you can absolutely just drop off kiddo and pick him up. I know we're at a place culturally where parents tend to watch every soccer practice, but, you know, my mom didn't even make it to every game. It just wasn't doable. Cut yourself some slack. Your kid is 12, not 6.
+-

[melannen]

LW, you sound like a person who isn't great at making friends. This is fine! Me too.

You also sound like you are automatically writing off all the other parents at the activities as exhausting, not like you, and not worth it. Maybe they are? If all the parents of your son's friends are people who are looking down on you for being single and not wealthy and not extroverted, it's worth looking at that and trying to figure out why, and maybe look at trading for some activities that aren't full of stuck-up jerks with no empathy - it will be good for your son as much as you.

But, LW, chances are pretty good that there are other parents there who would understand how you feel very well. Even if they are married and stable; that is not the same thing as feeling like they have their shit together, or not being constantly exhausted all the time. And having one or two allies - and people you can trade off practices with - can make a huge difference. And one of the best ways to make friends - just ask Ben Franklin - is to ask someone for help. Look around you next time and see if you can find anyone else who also looks tired or overwhelmed, or any kids whose parents don't stay for the whole practice, and just throw out a few feelers to see who might be able to turn into a friend or ally or carpool-trader.

It's really hard but it does get easier the more you try.

[movingfinger]

I think this kind of matches with the other letter about parents never being apart from children. It's good for kids to learn that their parents are not an inexhaustible, always-available resource. Setting limits by prioritizing activities and cutting back a little seems very reasonable in this situation.

Maybe a couple weeknights at home won't kill him.

[mommy]

There's a point where it might be worth setting an Activity Budget with a set amount of dollars and number of days per month that LW is able to contribute, and then let the son fill in the blanks.

[movingfinger]

Oh, this is a good idea! And it would help keep the LW from being blindsided with an activity or expense.

[ayebydan]

Advice is good but once again I get the impression that the US is an ocean away as it were. Activities are far more 'drop them off and pick them up here' in the UK as a whole. Your kids activities should be be emotionally ruining the parents.

[naath]

Yeah, I did Orchestra, and choir, and girl guides, and back-stage... and my parent's chaufere'd me a lot, and I'm sure their were costs, but they didn't have to sit through rehersals or anything like that.

[purlewe]

this is how I felt.. have your kid point you out to a parent of a friend who is in many of the same activities. Make friends with the parent and trade off drop offs, pickups, etc. get the lay of the land from that friend about how much participation by parents is really necessary (usually a lot less than advertised) volunteer early for the stuff that doesn't have human interaction and let the other parent help you out with the stuff that does. Get another parent ally and good luck.

[minoanmiss]

The US is an ocean away from its own past practices, no less. The whole "stay through activities and be involved and be friendly with all the other parents or else" expectation has developed as, among other things, a class marker.

[ayebydan]

That is a good point.