Care and Feeding: Kid-Free Trips

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Are there any parents out there who do trips without their kids? We took one about three years ago (our kids were ages 1 and 10 at the time) and another one the following year. We’ve been discussing the possibility of taking another one in the near future, but I’m feeling some guilt this time around.

When I ask other parents where they stand on the matter, I get the stink eye, followed by, “Oh no, I’ve never been away from my kids for more than one night.” Are we being selfish? Is it unusual for both parents to peace out for a few days for a little bit of quiet time?

—We Need a Break

Dear WNaB,

If kid-free trips are unusual, it’s only because there are so many people out there who seem to treat parenting as a sentence, the best parts of your life completely erased so that you might become a full-time indentured servant to your children. It’s illogical and unhealthy. Taking time away from your kids is one of the best things you can do for yourself—and for your continued ability to care for them.

“I’ve never been away from my kids for more than a bathroom trip”–ass mothers make me sick. (I’m sure there are dads out there like this, but I’ve yet to meet one.) It’s one thing for a parent not to spend time away because they don’t have the resources or don’t have the desire to do so; it’s a whole ’nother one if they’ve made being tragic, self-sacrificing parents part of their identity. That has nothing to do with you.

Enjoy your vacation and bring back some cool souvenirs for the kids. Also, on the off chance that you’ve never taken a family trip, be sure to make time for one of those at some point as well. It doesn’t have to be far or expensive to be memorable for them. Happy travels!

—Jamilah

Comments

[cereta]

(I’m sure there are dads out there like this, but I’ve yet to meet one.)

That sentence? That sentence right there? Is the source of so many rants I went on when the small fanperson was tiny. SO MANY. Spouse went on his first week-long work-training trip when she was six months old, three days after she got ear tubes put in. Other than one joke by a colleague about how he would owe me big-time for this, it went unremarked. When I was gone for one night for a funeral, I got a bunch of, "I could never leave my kid for that long!" and a number of, "Oh, why didn't you just bring her?"

LW: Take your trip.

[ambyr]

My first memory of being without my parents is when they went to London for a week when I was four. I cried my heart out . . . and then I got over it. (Being left with my grandparents, who spoiled me silly, didn't hurt.) LW, your kids will get over it, too.

[edenfalling]

When I was 6 and my brother was 3, our parents went to Paris for a week. For what I hope are obvious reasons, they didn't bring us. Instead, we spent the week with our aunt and uncle down in Virginia. We had a wonderful time, felt very grown-up and independent, and I still remember that week fondly thirty years later.

Tangentially, I always wonder what that kind of over-invested parent makes of sleepaway summer camps. Is there a similar horrified recoil? If not, how do they justify the difference in reactions?

[lilysea]

I had a bad experience when my parents went on an extended [6 to 8 weeks] overseas holiday, and dumped me on some people I didn't know well at all [acquaintances of my parents from church] who fed me but otherwise pretty much ignored me - when I was 12/13 and just starting highschool for the first time. There were two adults and three teenagers in the household, and none of them wanted to talk to me, ever, they all treated me as an unwelcome nuisance.

But the problem there wasn't parents going on holiday, it was that the people I was dumped with weren't adequate caregivers.

[rmc28]

Spouse and I took one long weekend away four years ago, and 8 days last month, and both were *great*. Both times were made possible thanks to the willingness of retired grandparents to come stay (supplemented by my brother, who lived with us the first time and still lives in the same city). We got to go and do the kind of things we used to do together before we had children, and in which the children aren't interested - and they were flatteringly pleased to see us again on our return.

We've also both been away separately, though usually on work trips, and that's been fine too. Each child has also been away separately to stay with a relative for a few days. Certainly when I was growing up I had quite a lot of "holidays" spending a few days at the home of an aunt or grandparent, and I enjoyed the relationships I built with those relatives, and I'm happy to see my children build relationships in their turn.

[rmc28]

Yeah! I'm in favour of leaving my children occasionally, and letting them stay with relatives without their dad and I (as detailed below). But only the relatives who *want* to have them and who I have confidence will be able to look after them as they need.

(I did leave my dad with four pages of hastily-typed notes about the house and the neighbourhood and the children's preferences before we went away for 8 days, and he was pretty tickled at its level of detail)

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, that line made me snort in sardonic agreement.

[melannen]

Their kids don't go to sleepaway camp. So yes, similar recoil.

[sporky_rat]

I'm fairly sure that, barring the times I had to be at the doctor's the next morning for cast changing (foot defects), my mother was more than happy to leave me with my uncle who lived with her and dad as a roommate and go do things.
And when Uncle Ben got married, I stayed with Grandfather. Not a big deal AND I was under the age of one.
I was, according to both of them, a reasonable child as long as I was fed and not forced to take a bath.

And when I was older, that's what Grandfather was for again. I could get myself up and to the bus by the second week of kindergarten. It was fine. (That first week, though, that was a little rough.)

[movingfinger]

If these kids go to sleepaway camp, their parents stay connected with social media, texting, or whatever the camp offers (and many camps offer something to feed parents who cannot separate from their children).

[shreena]

I think it all really depends on who the children are being left with. I think 1 is very young to be left with someone who doesn't regularly care for them usually. Obviously some children do spend a day or more with family every week and in those cases it'll be fine. But if that isn't the case, I do think 1 is too young.

[ayebydan]

Enjoy your trip LW.

Bet your kids also have a ball.