Judge John Hodgman on Unsanctioned Cat Nicknames

[conuly]

Dan writes: I gave in to my girlfriend Sammy’s request to adopt a cat but asked that I get to name the pet. I named him Conway (#conwaycat on Instagram). Now Sammy has begun using unsanctioned nicknames, such as Skeeter, Skittles or even Squitter.

First, the court recoils at your attempt to use this column to jack up your cat’s likes. And second, Sammy was robbed. It was cruel to seize naming rights for yourself, as giving a creature of pure vanity a hilarious name is one of the main consolations for the chore of handling its feces — and you didn’t want that cat in the first place. That said, you are in the right. Skeeter is obviously not a nickname for Conway. I order her to use his given name, if only for consistency in internet branding (I took the bait; cute cat). In fact, the best and only acceptable nickname for #conwaycat would be “Hashtag.”

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/20/magazine/judge-john-hodgman-on-unsanctioned-cat-nicknames.html

Comments

[minoanmiss]

*giggles helplessly*

[staranise]

JUSTICE FOR HASHIE

[movingfinger]

FREE HASHCAT

[beable]

But we want pics! Don't make me search instagram to see the adorableness of #hashtagTheOneTRueCat

Also Dan and I should never date. Every single one of our family dogs has a gazillion nicknames and we are not ashamed.

[delphi]

The correct way to go about unilaterally changing a cat's name is through slow but persistent nickname creep. Sammy should have started with calling the cat Conway Twitty and Conway Kitty -> Conway Tweeter -> Conway Skeeter -> Skeeter/Skittles/Squitter.

[xenacryst]

This is correct. Our cat, Rose, has the following progression: Rose, Mistress Kitty Cat, Miss Kitty, Miskit, Miskit Biscuit, Miss Troublesome Biscuit, Miss Bubblesome Triscuit. It's perfectly logical.

[cereta]

The last time I tried to control a cat name, I pushed for "Leo" for our new male gray tabby kitten.

One visit to the vet later, she was "Annakah," name and spelling chosen by the small fanperson. I didn't even try with the latest ;).

[movingfinger]

That is indeed how it works!

Although "Squitter" tends to be a nickname associated with a distressing personal characteristic.

[rosefox]

Somehow that never happens with our cats; their nicknames just get more and more elaborate. e.g., Sophie -> Sophins -> Sophie Lou -> Sophetta Luetta -> Sophie Lou Who with an IQ of 2

[tielan]

Exactly! (Excatly?)


Malcolm -> Mal (the discovery by the cat owners that he was a she) -> Maladicta (suggested by sister when she came to us) -> Mal-Mal (nickname)

Smokey -> The Unholy Smoke (the trio of family cats: "The Dara, The Maladicta, and The Unholy Smoke")