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Dear Prudence: I now regret how I tormented my stepmother
I like this response so much better than Amy's response yesterday to the LW who wanted closure.
There is a Slate+ version but I'm not as subscriber so I don't know how that letter and response differs from the fully-available one posted below:
Dear Prudence,
I was a very angry teen. My parents were wealthy but morally bankrupt. My father got sole custody of me after my mother hit and killed a man with her car while on drugs. My impression of my stepmother at the time was that she was young and “the enemy.” I was horrible to her, even when she raised me after my father’s death. She didn’t have to keep me, and I know she didn’t like me, but I would have been dead without her. I was forced into therapy three times a week and given private tutors when I struggled in school. We had dinner at 7 every night, usually in silence. I haven’t seen her since I was 20, when she invited me to Christmas and I said something cruel and hurtful in response.
I am 30 now, and the therapy has finally brought some empathy into my self-absorbed head. I really regret how I treated my stepmother. Whether she loved me or not, she acted like a parent more than my own mother ever had. Raising me was a thankless and difficult task that she didn’t have to do. For years she fought to keep me from falling into my family history of drugs and depression. I don’t think I could have done the same thing in her place (one of the reasons I will never have children). I want to thank her, but I’m afraid to. She’s moved on with her life and has a new marriage and new kids. I don’t want to bring up old ghosts. I think my dad may have abused her. I know I did—cursed her, threw things, and was generally a nightmare. I knew better, but I was so angry that I just wanted to hurt someone. She was the only one there. There is no excuse for that. Should I reach out? Or would I be hurting her more?
—Too Late to Say Thank You
I can’t tell you how much this letter moved me and how sorry I am that both you and your stepmother had to work so hard to grapple with your painful family legacy. Your instinct to want to let her know how much you can now appreciate all she did for you as well as apologize for all you did to hurt her is a good one, although I can’t guarantee that your stepmother will want to hear from you. I think if you were to put everything you’ve told me here—your awareness of how cruelly you treated her, your deep regret now, your gratitude for the ways she helped protect you from a painful family legacy, and your desire to respect her new life—into a letter or an email, that would grant her sufficient space to decide whether she wants to respond. You might even open it by saying that you’re not sure whether she wants to hear from you and that you would understand if she didn’t want to reply. But an acknowledgement that all of her hard work eventually meant something to you, a full-hearted apology for your cruelties toward her when you were a struggling teenager, and gratitude for her long kindness would probably mean a great deal to her—and it would mean a great deal to you to get to say it.
There is a Slate+ version but I'm not as subscriber so I don't know how that letter and response differs from the fully-available one posted below:
Dear Prudence,
I was a very angry teen. My parents were wealthy but morally bankrupt. My father got sole custody of me after my mother hit and killed a man with her car while on drugs. My impression of my stepmother at the time was that she was young and “the enemy.” I was horrible to her, even when she raised me after my father’s death. She didn’t have to keep me, and I know she didn’t like me, but I would have been dead without her. I was forced into therapy three times a week and given private tutors when I struggled in school. We had dinner at 7 every night, usually in silence. I haven’t seen her since I was 20, when she invited me to Christmas and I said something cruel and hurtful in response.
I am 30 now, and the therapy has finally brought some empathy into my self-absorbed head. I really regret how I treated my stepmother. Whether she loved me or not, she acted like a parent more than my own mother ever had. Raising me was a thankless and difficult task that she didn’t have to do. For years she fought to keep me from falling into my family history of drugs and depression. I don’t think I could have done the same thing in her place (one of the reasons I will never have children). I want to thank her, but I’m afraid to. She’s moved on with her life and has a new marriage and new kids. I don’t want to bring up old ghosts. I think my dad may have abused her. I know I did—cursed her, threw things, and was generally a nightmare. I knew better, but I was so angry that I just wanted to hurt someone. She was the only one there. There is no excuse for that. Should I reach out? Or would I be hurting her more?
—Too Late to Say Thank You
I can’t tell you how much this letter moved me and how sorry I am that both you and your stepmother had to work so hard to grapple with your painful family legacy. Your instinct to want to let her know how much you can now appreciate all she did for you as well as apologize for all you did to hurt her is a good one, although I can’t guarantee that your stepmother will want to hear from you. I think if you were to put everything you’ve told me here—your awareness of how cruelly you treated her, your deep regret now, your gratitude for the ways she helped protect you from a painful family legacy, and your desire to respect her new life—into a letter or an email, that would grant her sufficient space to decide whether she wants to respond. You might even open it by saying that you’re not sure whether she wants to hear from you and that you would understand if she didn’t want to reply. But an acknowledgement that all of her hard work eventually meant something to you, a full-hearted apology for your cruelties toward her when you were a struggling teenager, and gratitude for her long kindness would probably mean a great deal to her—and it would mean a great deal to you to get to say it.
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And well answered, Prudence. I especially like the suggestion of sending mail or email. (I'd suggest email since you know whether or not they got it)
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(I'd vote letter, personally, because it removes any onus from the stepmother to respond. She can if she likes, but there's a lower expectation of it.)
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Huh. I don't think either requires someone to respond -- I chose email so that LW would know it arrived, and wouldn't be tempted to poke the stepmother to check -- silence after that is entirely unequivocal. The postal service does lose some mail, so sending a letter would introduce a possibly torturous uncertainty. And sending it Fed-ex would just be over the top, alas.
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I think it comes nicely under the line of 'amends, but not expectations of more', so long as LW can accept that they may never get an answer or response. At the least, it sounds like it would close a chapter in LW's life.
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It might mean a lot to the stepmother to know that her actions really did help her difficult stepchild, and her efforts and faithfulness weren't in vain. She probably has a lot of complicated feelings about the whole mess too, and once LW has communicated their apologies and thanks they should back off and let her have space and time to work through it.