agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old divorced father of two. I have had a girlfriend, "Dawn," for about a year. She has met my kids, but she's still uncomfortable with the "situation." She has concerns about me having been married before, such as having experienced many of the firsts she has yet to enjoy.

Dawn doesn't like being in my house because I had it when I was married, and she says my kids remind her of my past. She says she doesn't want to share me with anyone, including them.

When we're alone, we are absolutely phenomenal as a couple. We love and care about each other deeply. This is causing a tremendous amount of stress on us, and neither of us knows how to handle it or what to do. Please help. -- TWO'S COMPANY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TWO'S COMPANY: Forgive me for being blunt, but you need to break it off with this woman before you waste any more of her time or yours. You may be crazy about Dawn, but your first responsibility must be to your children, and she has made it clear how she feels about them.

You may be phenomenal as a couple, but there are more people involved than just the two of you. She needs to find someone who has no encumbrances, and you need to find a lady who has a greater capacity for love than Dawn appears to be capable of.

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I feel like I have reacted very differently from everybody else; my first read on the letter was that the kids were adults, or at least late teens, or at least ... not in a position where the LW has substantial custodial/caregiver responsibilities? (Though now I reread, I'm less sure of my original interpretation.)

I dunno, Abby's "your first responsibility is to your children" struck me as a big assumption to make. If the LW does indeed have substantial parental responsibilities, then Dawn's discomfort with them obviously means they're incompatible (and it's just unreasonable enough that I think she's unlikely to rationally get over it). But if he doesn't, I don't see that Dawn's incompatibility with his kids would automatically be a dealbreaker (although her possessivness might be).

Maybe I'm projecting: my boyfriend is a 40-year-old father of two teenagers; the two in question live with their mother, and my bf sees them once a month, and for various special family occasions. In actuality, I quite like his kids and am happy to hang out with them once a month, but if I were uncomfortable with them, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker and I don't see why it should be.

Edited 2014-09-25 14:18 (UTC)

(Icon directed at Dawn, not you ;)).

I dunno. I'm older than the LW, and I only see my mother 3-5 times a year, but when I do, we stay in her house. If she had a partner who was uncomfortable with my presence and possessive of her time (of which I get very little), it would be a problem for me. And if his kids are older, there's a great big potential problem looming in the future: grandchildren. Maybe her attitude will change and she'll be thrilled to be a "MeeMaw," but if it doesn't, let me tell you: small children are simultaneously very, very sensitive to adults who don't like them and very, very unable to understand why and just let it go. Is Dad ready for every holiday to become a fight between spending time with Dawn and getting to see his grandkids open their presents/hunt for eggs/find the afikommen? Being a grandparent is one of the great rewards of parenting ;).

I know I'm biased because my daughter is the most precious thing in my life, sometimes the only thing that keeps me going, but I just can't imagine accepting a person who actively tried to keep me away from her, which is what it sounds like Dawn is doing.

I don't see anyone in the discussion faulting Dawn for not wanting to be a custodial parent. But her "I don't want to share you with anyone, even your children" goes a lot further than that -- it sounds like she wants him to not have contact with his children. Even 20 year olds need the occasional phone call or email from their Dad.

If you were uncomfortable with your boyfriend's kids, what would your solution be? Not visiting at the same time as they do seems to me to be a an example of a reasonable solution; asking him to cut off contact with them does not.

(To say nothing of grandkids down the line, as Cereta mentions.)