agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old divorced father of two. I have had a girlfriend, "Dawn," for about a year. She has met my kids, but she's still uncomfortable with the "situation." She has concerns about me having been married before, such as having experienced many of the firsts she has yet to enjoy.

Dawn doesn't like being in my house because I had it when I was married, and she says my kids remind her of my past. She says she doesn't want to share me with anyone, including them.

When we're alone, we are absolutely phenomenal as a couple. We love and care about each other deeply. This is causing a tremendous amount of stress on us, and neither of us knows how to handle it or what to do. Please help. -- TWO'S COMPANY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TWO'S COMPANY: Forgive me for being blunt, but you need to break it off with this woman before you waste any more of her time or yours. You may be crazy about Dawn, but your first responsibility must be to your children, and she has made it clear how she feels about them.

You may be phenomenal as a couple, but there are more people involved than just the two of you. She needs to find someone who has no encumbrances, and you need to find a lady who has a greater capacity for love than Dawn appears to be capable of.

Threaded | Flat

Man, is there something in the water lately? This is the second letter in like a week from a single parent that essentially amounts to, "my partner doesn't want to have anything to do with my kids; what do I do?"

THIS IS NOT A HARD QUESTION. I admit that this is easy for me, because I never felt any great need for a romantic partner (I have often told my spouse that it is proof of how much I love him that I overcame my inclination to be a single cat lady), but I can't think of a single person or thing that I would choose over my child. And any person who doesn't respect and understand that is not a person I want to be around.

I'm going to grump about the last line. Just because two people aren't compatible due to life situations doesn't mean either of them is incapable of love. And I just heart the implication that Dawn should sacrifice her own wants and needs because LOVE. *eyeroll*

The relationship is not going to work out. Neither person is under an obligation to force it to work. Move on and end of story.

The detail about the house says to me that Dawn seems to be very possessive, and I would run.

I feel like I have reacted very differently from everybody else; my first read on the letter was that the kids were adults, or at least late teens, or at least ... not in a position where the LW has substantial custodial/caregiver responsibilities? (Though now I reread, I'm less sure of my original interpretation.)

I dunno, Abby's "your first responsibility is to your children" struck me as a big assumption to make. If the LW does indeed have substantial parental responsibilities, then Dawn's discomfort with them obviously means they're incompatible (and it's just unreasonable enough that I think she's unlikely to rationally get over it). But if he doesn't, I don't see that Dawn's incompatibility with his kids would automatically be a dealbreaker (although her possessivness might be).

Maybe I'm projecting: my boyfriend is a 40-year-old father of two teenagers; the two in question live with their mother, and my bf sees them once a month, and for various special family occasions. In actuality, I quite like his kids and am happy to hang out with them once a month, but if I were uncomfortable with them, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker and I don't see why it should be.

Edited 2014-09-25 14:18 (UTC)