Husband Alters Meals Beyond Recognition

[conuly]

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy cooking. I have lots of cookbooks, and I watch cooking shows and attend cooking seminars. My family and friends enjoy my meals and dishes, helping themselves to seconds and leaving clean plates.

They do not play with their food, cough their Brussels sprouts into their napkins or feed the dog to politely hide an inedible mystery meat.

And then there’s my husband. He will supplement my carefully and artfully prepared meals with almost anything he likes that’s not included. For example, I served shrimp and grits (a little Parmesan cheese and scallions on top) with a side of lemony roasted asparagus. He poured barbecue sauce on top and also added pinto beans, olives, Brazil nuts and blueberries.

When I have questioned him, he says that other chefs create unusual combinations -- as if he is a culinary trailblazer.

In actuality, it’s hurtful that he doesn’t like my meals and has to hide the taste or enhance the menu. It’s also, visually, a “gag” moment for others to watch him mix this mush together on his plate.

He shows more restraint when eating out, but can’t seem to resist the barbecue sauce urge. What can I do? I’m not sure I want to divorce him.

ENTLE READER: Well, could you decide before Miss Manners gives you a thoughtful response?

In the event that you choose to keep your husband -- if not his behavior -- make a deal with him. Limited experimentation by way of condiments or garnishes, not main ingredients, may take place with your food when you two are alone. But when you are in company, this habit must be limited to changes agreed upon in advance.

You may further remind him that he always has the option of making the meal himself, start to finish.

Comments

[conuly]

I don't think Miss Manners is right, exactly - but I also think there is something seriously wrong with the tastebuds of anybody who combines shrimp AND bbq sauce AND olives AND blueberries on the same plate. So I don't even know.

[azurelunatic]

Without the shrimp it would be much better.

[moem]

The LW doesn't seem all that sure that they DON'T want to divorce him, either. Which makes me feel that they possibly do.

The husband seems to be focussing on not tasting anything of the actual food. I would hate it if someone treated a meal that I'd prepared like that. I might very well ending up refusing to cook for them at all.

[eleanorjane]

Husband is not obligated to like the food they cook or eat food they don't like. But they _are_ obligated to not be rude, which this kind of is. And kind of isn't.

Really, they just need to use their words. "Dear, it kind of hurts my feelings that you constantly doctor everything I cook for you." "Honey, I'm sorry, but I just [insert honesty about food/sensory preferences here]."

Ideally they'd both cook for themselves, but without them actually using their words with each other, it's hard to imagine they'll come to any middle ground.

[azurelunatic]

It requires a lot of trust to be honest about food and sensory issues, and she doesn't sound like it's safe to disclose those things to her.

[cimorene]

Yeah... as far as fairness and politeness, you can blame both of them a little for not just communicating correctly with each other. But I'm more stuck on just how incredibly weird this story is. It feels like one of those fake /relationships stories on Reddit or something.

[conuly]

I mean, it could be fake, or the LW could be addicted to hyperbole. I'm 50/50 on that option.

[mommy]

I would despise being served shrimp and grits, mostly because of the flavor/texture combination of the grits. I can see how the husband's choice of pinto beans, olives, and blueberries disguise the texture, even that particular combination sounds disgusting to me. And from how LW describes their husband's barbecue sauce urge, it's possible that he just likes the familiar flavor and uses it excessively the way some people use ketchup. These aren't bad things, but they don't mesh well with LW's culinary style.

I can also see where LW is coming from, but I have to wonder how often they cook trendy food for their family without taking food preferences into account. Both LW and the husband need to do better at using their words.

[minoanmiss]

I'm still stuck on shrimp, blueberries, and barbecue sauce. LW, are you sure your husband isn't from another planet?

[mommy]

I imagine the shrimp was eaten first. The pinto beans and barbecue sauce shifted the texture and flavor of the grits to something like refried beans. The blueberries added a fruity tartness in much the same way that cranberries add to turkey. I'm stuck on the olives, though.

[minoanmiss]

This is a glorious analysis.

[xenacryst]

Actually, blueberry barbecue is a thing, and it's a very tasty thing. I probably wouldn't do it with olives - the tangy sweet and pickled salt would clash. And I'd prefer cocktail sauce for my shrimp, but I could see barbecue sauce in a pinch. Barbecue and beans, especially with the sweet of blueberries, would be like a quick and easy baked bean dish.

[azurelunatic]

A constant barrage of new foods sounds like a nauseating hellscape. And I can understand the performative culinary escapades: the adult who subsists on chicken tenders and applesauce is a sad stereotype. The adult who makes a spectacle of altering the provided dish is A Character.

I am 100% certain that this woman would take not eating the dish at all as a mortal insult, and if the husband cooked his own food that he could eat, she would be furious.

She sounds exactly like the ableist assholes on 2007 LiveJournal who were opposed to ?style=mine on the grounds that their writing was a ~work of ART~ and anyone who wanted or needed it to be in a different font/color/size combination was ruining their artistic vision.

Sorry lady, the "but it's MY ART and must be experienced as I presented it" argument doesn't override accessibility needs. And your husband is an Andy Warhol of the table.

[azurelunatic]

Really truly and honestly, she doesn't sound safe to have an honest conversation about food accessibility with.

Assuming he has the vocabulary for it. It's taken such a long time to learn what foods I "hate" because I'm low-key allergic, what ones are taste and texture, what's long term burnout, and what's just the unpredictable aversion of the day/week. Without a really solid grasp on that, I would not want to go into a conversation with someone who is convinced that I am eating on purpose to insult her.

[moem]

Wow! A constant barrage of new foods sounds like a culinary dream come true. To me, that is.

That said, it might be a good solution if the husband would offer to cook now and then, or often. I wonder why that doesn't seem to be on the table. The partner (whose gender I don't know) might get some relief, the husand would be eating food that he likes, they might each learn more about what the other person likes to eat... I see so many advantages.

The partner doesn't sound like an asshole to me at all. But the husband does.

[azurelunatic]

I'm glad for you that your digestive system etc. would find that pleasant.

[moem]

Thank you. I consider myself to be fortunate in that regard.

[mommy]

I agree. LW's comments on how everyone loves their cooking comes across like a red flag when the husband clearly doesn't enjoy his spouse's meals. Someone who repeatedly insists that everyone loves their food despite clear proof otherwise isn't going to respond well to "Sweetheart, do you mind if I cook my own dinner tonight?"

[azurelunatic]

I have been imagining the AU letter in which the husband does most of his own cooking especially when the spouse is making something special, and I'm cringing.

[eleanorjane]

Really? I read that more as a "see, I'm not a bad cook, it's not that I just regularly produce inedible meals" to head that off as a columnist suggestion before it was made.

[movingfinger]

I wonder whether he's trolling her, because he resents the positive attention she gets for her cooking. "When I have questioned him, he says that other chefs create unusual combinations -- as if he is a culinary trailblazer" is quite a statement. This seems less like a "my palate is weird" thing and more like a "ha ha I'll show YOU" play. I think there is something else going on here behind the food. Dumping ketchup/barbecue sauce on things is a class signifier, too (NB---he's dumping barbecue sauce, not hot sauce, which is a condiment normal for, e.g., shrimp and grits). He knows what he's doing bothers her, and he keeps doing it, and he has not used words to say "I cannot eat X" or "I dislike the texture of Y".

Shrimp and grits is a normal food combination in my food universe, normally served with Parmesan, and the asparagus would be a normal side with it.

LW seems like a good enough cook that if the husband had some particular thing he liked and told her, she would knock herself out mastering it---brisket, ribs, whatever barbecue sauce is supposed to go on. He hasn't asked for that according to this letter, and I think she would mention it. So I think he's putting her in her place (beneath him) with his disrespect and contempt.

"He shows more restraint when eating out, but can’t seem to resist the barbecue sauce urge" is another tell. He isn't doctoring a meal into unrecognizability when someone else prepares it. Adding barbecue sauce/ketchup is a regional class thing that won't surprise most restaurants, but he is using it as a statement of solidarity against threats to his identity, because even among barbecue sauce and ketchup devotees, not everything gets anointed. I could speculate a lot on this guy, but I will stop here.

They need couples counseling, because this is not a food issue. He is using the food as a stand-in; it's a symptom of something else.

[moem]

I think you may be on to something. I'm not getting a 'sensory issues' vibe here. More like a power play vibe. Of course I may be wrong...

[conuly]

I agree. And even if it is a sensory issue he needs to learn to Use His Words.

Meanwhile, honestly, she needs to stop cooking for him. He doesn't like her food, she hates that he doesn't like her food, she can just cook for one.

[mommy]

You typically choose your own meals at a restaurant. The husband has less need to change the food when he he took his own food preferences into account when he ordered his meal. LW can't really try to control what he eats then.

I do agree that there's a classist element in LW's comments on their husband's barbecue sauce habit, but it could just be them not getting why a familiar flavor profile can help.

[sara]

Yep.

Admittedly, one of the ways I knew my marriage was over was when he went on a fad diet composed entirely of foods I couldn't eat and accused me of trying to kill him with my cooking (my cooking has been 100% non-lethal to date and I've cooked semiprofessionally.)

Food control is...often a synecdoche for other issues.