In Sickness and in Sloppiness

[conuly]

Our polite 33-year-old daughter is about to marry a man with dreadful table manners. He chews with his mouth open, slumps and shovels his food, and brandishes his cutlery like weapons. His table manners revolt her. She won’t bring him to social events because he embarrasses her. She’s asked him to change, but he thinks she should love him as he is. (I weighed in and was also dismissed.) I’d love to hear an argument for table manners and how to learn them later in life.

Alas, my aria on table manners must await another day. Right now, my priority is saving a man from marrying a woman who is revolted by him and by whom she is too embarrassed to bring into public. Where’s the love and respect here?

If this couple is unable to communicate and compromise effectively about something as low stakes as table manners, they should skip the honeymoon and proceed directly to divorce court. And you, S, should untangle yourself from your daughter’s most intimate relationship and let her sort it out like an adult on the verge of matrimony — which, perplexingly, she seems to be.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Which column is this from? (I pretty much agree with the advisor here.)

[conuly]

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/29/style/can-we-be-friends-if-we-cant-talk-about-money.html

[beable]

Oh good lord the other letters in that column!
(e.g. the friend repaying a 200$ debt with 20$ lottery scratch cards)

[conuly]

And then getting pissy when the cards are returned.

[kindkit]

I think this really needs more detail. To me, there's a difference between something like slumping or "brandishing" cutlery and chewing with one's mouth open, shoveling food, or other things that might be legitimately disgusting to other people and make their meal less enjoyable. The latter are genuinely bad manners, because of their effect on others, and if that's what this man refuses to change, it says something not so great about him.

[shirou]

I'm not a fan of the "love me as I am" mentality when it really means, "everyone has to change to accept and accommodate me, but I'm unwilling to change even an iota to accommodate anyone else." It's especially bad when everyone/anyone includes that person's partner.

Don't marry this man, LW's daughter. His revolting table manners are just the beginning. His selfishness and refusal to compromise are the real problems.

[greenygal]

It really doesn't matter what the issue is or who's at fault; when one partner is embarrassed to be seen socially with the other, that's a four-alarm siren blaring DON'T GET MARRIED.