They Met as Adults and Now They're Making Out Like Adults... There's Just One Problem

[conuly]

I’m a person. My reluctance to reveal any other information about my identity will become clear shortly. Years ago I found out I have an opposite-sex half sibling. We recently met and quickly bonded. We went from speaking on the phone to spending time with each other. The problem now is that we're obsessively attracted to one another. We began holding hands and then cuddling. But recently things have progressed to make-out sessions that leave me feeling highly conflicted. I feel in many ways that I have found my "soulmate," as ridiculous as that sounds.

I'm right there with you. I know how this looks. I've read the requisite articles about GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) but the science seems touch-and-go at best. I know you strongly believe the incest taboo needs to stay in place for society as a whole to not be totally gross. I fully agree. The thought of sleeping with any of the family members I grew up around makes me want to bash my own skull into bits.

My question is: how do I get over this and cultivate a normal relationship with my half-sibling? I'm deeply ashamed of how I feel, but I feel known and understood by someone for the first time in years. It's confusing. Please, please help.

Deeply Ashamed

I’m not sure what to tell you other than, “Stay away from them,” which is so obvious it has to have occurred to you already. Your other options are to 1. keep seeing them and try to keep your hands off each other—which you most likely will fail at—or 2. can give in to your attraction to your half-sibling and then A. do everything in your power to keep it on the down low or B. go public and let the chips (and the pieces of your other family members' skulls) fall where they may.

Ultimately, DA, the relationship is consensual and you're adults. But seeing as this relationship would be highly squicky for others to contemplate... and seeing as there would definitely be social, familial, and potentially professional consequences for you if others were forced to contemplate it... you'll wanna avoid putting anyone else in the position of ever having to contemplate it. In other words, you may have to live like gay couples did decades ago: keep your love secret. That'll be harder if this obsessive thing turns into something more lasting (and here's hoping it doesn't). But if this turns out to be, you know, just one of those crazy things—the kind of crazy thing that's over and done quickly—that'll be easier to keep secret.

And while I'm a supporter of the incest taboo (for all the reasons philosopher John Corvino cites here)... you do know that incest is a hugely popular porn genre and one of the top search terms on all porn sites? Clearly what you’re feeling isn’t inconceivable to many. (Sorry—didn’t mean to raise conception even as a concept. You obviously want to avoid that at all costs.) And did you see A Simple Favor? One of the major plot points is an affair that Ann Kendrick's character (Stephanie) has with her biological half-brother. Kendrick is the lead, she's the hero, and she gets the guy in the end—some other guy, not her half-brother, who dies tragically in a car wreck. So they're punished for their forbidden love... just like gay and lesbian couples were in films for decades. (I don't make this comparison because I think incestuous relationships should be normalized and/or tolerated in the way same-sex relationships are today. I only bring up all those gay couples who kept their relationships secret from their families... well, to let you know it's possible to keep a relationship secret, I guess. It's hugely stressful and not always successful (see: every cheater or closet case who ever got caught), but it is possible. — Dan

Comments

[conuly]

There was actually some back and forth, I just edited down to the most advice-y part of the response. If you want to read the whole thing, clicky!

[melannen]

...not a bad answer, but there doesn't seem to really be any attempt to answer the actual question?

(I would say: avoiding an ill-advised affair with your hot sibling is essentially the same strategy as avoiding an ill-advised affair with your hot married friend: hang out w/ chaperones only (even if they don't know they're chaperones); find someone you can confide in, who will listen to you talk without judging your feelings and then remind you why acting on them is a terrible idea (admittedly this might be tougher with incest, but try - maybe a therapist is a good idea); make a serious attempt to redirect your attention onto someone else who is hot; don't deliberately do things that make it worse; etc.)

[untonuggan]

this is better than the actual answer.

[rosefox]

hang out w/ chaperones only

I have been this chaperone for a friend and her girlfriend and it's very uncomfortable watching two people carefully not touch each other but really clearly want to. I'd leave this as a last resort.

[melannen]

Yeah, I can see that. I meant more like "only hang out in group or public situations where there is no possibility of making out or going somewhere private together"; things that are essentially dates but with a chaperone probably fall under "deliberately doing things to make it worse".

Although I suspect the sibling factor means they have a lot more leeway for longing looks before people jump to the idea of sex.

[rosefox]

Yes, most likely!

[eva_rosen]

For a while there I thought the advise would be for them to make porn, or that the columnist would bring up Wincest.

[lavendertook]

They met as adults and did not grow up together, so no childhood sibling relationship is being breached. There was no grooming or youthful breaking of bonds and boundaries or coercion of any kind. So I feel the same as I do for Oedipus and Jocasta: society is stupid and loves its rules more than real people--go for it, but know people will be out to get you for it. If you stay together and want to raise kids, go for sperm banks. And search online for others in the same boat and build your support community and best of luck to you.

But if they don't want to deal with the shame and all the societal scorn, which takes loads of strength, then stay away from each other until feelings cool off. It may take years or finding other partners.

[melannen]

I've read accounts of GSA couples who did go for it, and it never seems to end well; the stress and shame really add up, and the GSA part of it does seem to lead to a relationship that's sudden and intense and not deep or lasting enough to be worth the consequences. So I am on team 'keep it in your pants' here even if in another world I would have no moral issues.

[nyctanthes]

And since the subject of movies has been brought up, I'm thinking about Lone Star....

[naath]

Change your name to Lannister?

[minoanmiss]

*giggles helplessly*

[lilysea]

They didn't grow up together, and they are both consenting adults:

I think as long as they are clear that any pregnancy will need to be terminated,

the only real problem is societal attitudes.