agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I have a problem that many other mothers-in-law may have, but mine has a twist.

My daughter-in-law has been angry at me for nearly 20 years because I discussed her fertility problems with another family member, and word got back to her that I had done so. Occasionally, she will put her anger aside and give me a hug and tell me that she loves me when I visit her, my son and my two delightful grandchildren, which I do about six times a year for single overnight visits.

While she won't confront me when we are together, if I have offended her, she later blasts me with emails about how I've "done it again." She recently declared that she would no longer email me about anything at all, however. My problem is, I don't know what I've "done again," and she won't tell me. She says that my not knowing is part of the problem. What?!

This is akin to calling a plumber or an electrician to come to my home, and, when the person arrives, telling them that finding out the problem is their business and I'm not going to tell them anything more.

I considered contacting my daughter-in-law's mother, who I know and like very much. But I didn't contact her because she is the woman who raised my daughter-in-law, and, for all I know, acts in a similar way.

I'm at my wit's end. Last week, I broke down and cried about the situation for the first time. I give this woman thoughtful, caring gifts, even if it's not for her birthday or a holiday. She seems to greatly appreciate them at the time. And then I go home and get blasted for something she will not tell me about because "that's part of the problem, isn't it?"

Since she will no longer email me, she is holding close to the supposed hurts I have inflicted on her. I simply don't know what to do any further.

Can you help me? -- Baffled Mother-in-Law

Dear Baffled Mother-in-Law: It sounds like you are walking on eggshells around your daughter-in-law and don't know where to start with repairing the relationship. Her passive-aggressive behavior is making it challenging to have a relationship with her. Without stressing out your son too much, I'd suggest asking him for suggestions. The fact that his wife says you upset her but won't tell you how -- what does he say about that?

You are wise not to complain to her mother, but since you get along with her, maybe try to get closer to her and gain some perspective as to why her daughter is angry.

Lastly, you could give your daughter-in-law a mental hug or see her as a little girl acting out. Sometimes, that makes coping with a difficult person easier to deal with. Anger may be a form of self-protection. We all know touchy, insecure people who fly into a rage if they are criticized or feel rejected. Their anger is hiding hurt.

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Alternative answer: Lady, stop gossiping about people behind their backs. Don't do it ABOUT your DIL and definitely don't do it TO her. She doesn't like it, so stop doing it - and definitely don't do it about her to her mother.

Also, you're never going to get into her good books now, so just be glad she keeps it together for six visits a year so you can see your grandkids without her helping you make a messy scene.

And stop buying her gifts. You cannot buy people's affections.

Having read issendai on this, she sounds like one of the parents talked about. She knows what she's done - she's a gossip - but she won't listen.

Yeah, I sincerely doubt that in 20 years of emailed grievances, there's nothing of actual substance to act upon.

In her defense, LW sounds genuinely clueless, rather than one of those LWs who is secretly just looking for validation and assurance that they've been the wronged party.

Which makes Annie's advice all the worse, because this LW might actually have listened to good advice. :/

Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether DiL is a passive-aggressive grudge-holder or the LW is an oblivious blabbermouth or somewhere in between. The answer here is the same: accept what you've got and stop trying to "fix" it. You have a relationship with your son and your grandchildren. Hells, you see much more of your grandchildren than my daughter's grandparents see of her. If the emails have stopped, great. If they resume, just skim them for anything important and send them to trash.

DO NOT try to get information from her mother. That will backfire in the worst way possible. I wouldn't try it with your son, either. At best, it will put him in a bad situation. At worst, we're back to backfiring.

The son is conspicuously absent from this letter--she mentions he's there, but not that she's ever tried asking him why his wife doesn't get along with her.

Yeah, I find that kind of typical in "my DIL" letters.

Oh wow. LW, your daughter-in-law is angry at you for violating her boundaries by discussing a REALLY PRIVATE SUBJECT with other people, so you're considering ASKING HER MOTHER what's up with her. I'm sure more boundary violation will fix the first ones!

Meep.

I don't think vague emails are the best way to express one's anger at all but I definitely see why LW's DIL is angry.

Another one who knows very well what she has done and is apparently continuing to do: gossiping about her daughter-in-law's family's most private life. The dismissive language is revealing: "supposed hurts" and considering going to a grown woman's mother about her behavior!

I think that six overnight visits a year is a lot and she should stop talking and pushing. And stop the ingratiating gift-buying, eeeesh.

I mean, I *like* my mother and m-i-l and they don't get six overnight visits a year each!

What everyone else has already said.

Wowzers.

I feel sorry for LW. I imagine she's a bit clueless—she must be if she thinks going to her DIL's mother is a good idea—but she sounds genuinely baffled. She knows her original offense, but it sounds like DIL is genuinely withholding information, expecting LW to pick up on things LW clearly isn't picking up on. LW may be clueless, but DIL doesn't seem interested in real communication either.