I told my friend I think her husband is gay

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn:

Many think my best friend "Sara" has it all: four adorable children, a successful husband ("Jim"), and a beautiful home. Jim is an absolute dear, but here's the thing. I think he's gay.

Recently, I sat down with Sara and shared my hunch. True to form, she listened attentively and thanked me for my concern. But since then, Sara has not mentioned our conversation about her husband's sexuality. I am concerned she is in denial. How should I gently revisit the topic?

-- A Friend in Need

Never. Not gently, not roughly, not with discreet tactical brilliance, not ever. That's how.

And if there were such a thing as boundary school, I'd sentence you to it. Because, oh my wow. This is so not your business.

With the benefit of all doubts firmly in place, I'll venture you just really want your friend to be happy. And that's great. But if your idea of helping her be happy includes a first step of having to persuade her that she's unhappy, then that's your flashing red railroad-crossing barrier, your Do Not Disturb hang-tag, your singing telegram reminding you to butt the heck (and everything else) out. If your friend wants your help, she can ask.

And while I'm here: No one, anywhere, ever, has it "all."

Comments

[cereta]

Ugh, I saw this at ArcaMax. There are so many things wrong with this (what makes her think the husband is gay? Has she ever heard of bisexuality? What on Earth makes her think that even Amy would support her attempts to meddle?), the biggest is that this is flat-out none of her business. I'm one of the few people I've run across who thinks people should actually speak up if they have evidence that a friend's spouse is cheating, but there's nothing in the letter that indicates he is. This is flat-out none of the LW's business. It was none of her business before she told "Sara" of her suspicions, and it's really none of her business how Sara chooses to respond to those suspicions.

I do have a feeling that LW is envious of Sara's seemingly idyllic life (I say "seemingly," because I get the feeling the LW is not the kind to notice others' trials unless those trials serve their need to shit stir), and is getting a little too much pleasure from the idea of exploding Sara's life.

[rmc28]

I think your last paragraph is spot on. I mean, I see "four children" and I think "omg how much work?" and that's even before we get to the implied breadwinner/homemaker division of labour.

I'm imagining Jim as like, well dressed, high standard of personal grooming, and vocally supportive of women, and therefore "must be gay".