sex before marriage

[deird1]

Dear Willie D:

I met a young lady who is 23 years old with two kids. We have been seeing each other for about three months and I still have not rounded the bases, if you know what I mean. We were kissing one night and when I tried to take it further, she told me the next time she has sex it will be with the man she marries. I think she is full of s---. She got pregnant twice by two men who never married her, and didn't give a damn about her, or her kids. She's also been with five other men -- so she says.

Now I come along and do all the right things: treat her good, buy her nice things, and take her out, and she wants to act like Sweet Polly Purebred. I really like her a lot, but I'm not ready for marriage. At the same time I'm a man and I have needs. Should I dump her, or hang in there and see where things go from here?

Who's On First:

The last time a non-virgin celibate woman told me she was saving herself for marriage, I put it on her so good that she's probably still at home lying in bed, twisting her hair, and sucking her thumb. Instead of her bad choices in men, your girl probably thinks sex is the reason she has two kids from failed relationships. Men have hurt her in the past and rather than empowering herself to make better choices in men, she is punishing you for their mistakes.

Sometimes waiting on sex does help a woman to make better decisions. But she could also be testing you to see if you want her for more than sex. So have a candid conversation with your girl and reassure her that you'll be there for her no matter what. She already has you where she wants you, so there's really no good reason to make you wait -- unless she's getting it from somewhere else.


(source)

Comments

[deird1]

there's really no good reason to make you wait

...how about the reason that she wants to not have sex right now?


I first encountered this through That Bad Advice, which summarised the question as "Help! I keep buying her things but she won't fuck me!" Which... yeah. Haven't these people ever heard of letting someone make her own choices, and respecting them?

[vass]

But he's a man! He has needs! Obviously that overrides her silly female right to her own autonomy!

[deird1]

Of course! What was I thinking?

[jo_lasalle]

...how about the reason that she wants to not have sex right now?

But that's not what she said. She didn't say she's not feeling like sex right now or that she needs to get to know him better; the reason she gave is that she wants to wait until she's married.

This guy sounds like an entitled jerk, so I have no sympathy for him. (And the advice, omg, 'getting it from somewhere else'??) But 'no sex before marriage' is a pretty legit reason to get out of a relationship if sex is important to you.

[deird1]

Oh, it's totally a legit reason to get out of a relationship. And if he wants to do so, I applaud him for his initiative.

What I do have a problem with is:
"I think she is full of s---."
...because obviously she doesn't mean it! And no-one could possibly have had sex before and yet not want to now!

"Now I come along and do all the right things: treat her good, buy her nice things, and take her out, and she wants to act like Sweet Polly Purebred."
...because I've been a Nice Guy! Surely I should be rewarded with nooky!

"I'm a man and I have needs."
...because women don't have sex drives, really.

"Men have hurt her in the past and rather than empowering herself to make better choices in men, she is punishing you for their mistakes."
...because her choice not to have sex is totally about punishing you.

"She already has you where she wants you, so there's really no good reason to make you wait -- unless she's getting it from somewhere else."
...either she's lying to you, or she's cheating on you.


But that's not what she said. ... the reason she gave is that she wants to wait until she's married.

Which means that she doesn't want to have sex right now. Because, right now, she's not married. And she doesn't want to have sex unless she is.

[jo_lasalle]

All those statements being why I called him an entitled jerk.

Which means that she doesn't want to have sex right now. Because, right now, she's not married. And she doesn't want to have sex unless she is.

That is semantically correct, but it pretends that the reason for why she doesn't want to have sex (and, you know, how long your 'right now' is going to be) is totally irrelevant, which I don't find sensible.

[minoanmiss]

But what's it relevant to? In the end, either she's right or he is, either owes him sex or she doesn't.

[hunningham]

The same letter writer also gets some suggestions from the Bad Advisor (whom I adore)
See here's that bad advice you were hoping for

[recessional]

She already has you where she wants you, so there's really no good reason to make you wait -- unless she's getting it from somewhere else.

There is nothing about this sentence that is not fucking infuriating.

[cereta]

It's really kind of amazing how one letter can encapsulate so many/em> wrong things about men, women, and sex.

I would just add one additional part of the letter that's so full of shit it squeaks: there is nothing about the letter that indicates that the LW will, in fact, "be there for her no matter what," which is to say, will actually stick around and help raise a child he helped make.

[rymenhild]

If you are calling your girlfriend of three months full of s--- in an advice column, she should dump you forthwith.

If you believe that a woman who has already demonstrated her sexual activity must now give it up to every other man she dates, you are a slut-shamer and I hate you forever. This applies both to the letter writer and the columnist.

[torachan]

Ew, who the hell is this advice guy? D: