Dear Abby: not even gonna try

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I am getting married soon, and I am not inviting one of my co-workers, "Darrell," who I know will be hurt. I have looked up to him as an uncle for a few years. We eat lunch together and share gossip, but my fiance and I decided not to invite him even though we are inviting other people from the office.

Darrell was recently arrested for supposedly raping his daughter. He went to court, but the daughter failed to appear, so the charges were dropped. Since then, even though I consider him a friend, I have seen him in a different light.

I know he could be innocent, but my fiance and I do not want him at our wedding around family and kids. I don't know how to tell him he won't be invited. What should I say or not say? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN THE USA

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: I can't think of a polite way to tell someone you're afraid your family members wouldn't be safe around him, and I don't think it will be necessary because Darrell is going to get the picture without anything being said.

It's regrettable that your co-worker didn't have his day in court because at the office it appears he has already been found guilty. It goes without saying that you have to find a luncheon partner and mentor besides Darrell, so be prepared.

Note: FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, DO NOT read the comments on Abby's site. Just...don't. Also, my own response will come later, when my head is not pounding.

Comments

[shirou]

I agree with Abby's first paragraph. No explanation required: Darrell will figure out what's going on.

The second paragraph suggests that Abby is considering the possibility that Darrell is innocent. He might be. But the LW didn't say she is convinced of Darrell's innocence; she says that she has "seen him in a different light." If the LW is concerned for the safety of her family around Darrell, that is more than enough reason not to invite him.

[cereta]

*nods* My argument, from just the information we're given, is that:

1. Based on various stats on false accusations actually made to law enforcement, the possibility that he is innocent is pretty slim, certainly too slim for me to take the chance of bringing my daughter to a wedding where he is attending. Ultimately, though, that is only quasi-relevant, because:

1a. The worst reasonable consequences* if she decides not to invite him and he's innocent, while real, are far, far less dire than:

1b. The worst reasonable consequences if she invites him and he is a sexual predator.

2. Some people argued that, well, parents should just keep an eye on their kids, but a wedding in which I have to keep my daughter at my side all night is not one either of us would enjoy. So, no.

There's no good answer to this. There's no way to please everyone. But given those potential consequences, just...no.

*I am sure one could spin a tale of being made a pariah and dire actions in response, but mostly, the consequence is hurt feelings, which are REAL, but again, much less dire than sexual assault.

[shirou]

I would be careful about applying stats to determine probabilities in a specific incidence. That works with dice rolls and other independent, identical events, but not for non-identical events like criminal accusations.

Otherwise I agree with your argument. The LW is going to have to figure out her comfort level with Darrell and what kind of interactions she can have with him going forward. But, for the reasons you gave, it certainly makes sense that a family event with children would be well outside her comfort zone. The pariah scenario is plausible, but the safety of the kids should easily outweigh Darrell's emotional needs. As a father, I certainly hope nobody would invite my son - with or without me - to any event with a suspected predator.

The letter does not give me the impression that the LW believes Darrell. But if she does, or if she wants to preserve the friendship despite her doubts, she can always tell him she believes he is innocent and explain that because other people will have doubts, she simply can't include him in an event with children. Then she can invite him to dinner - preferably in a restaurant with her fiance or another friend also present - as an olive branch. The lack of a wedding invitation doesn't have to be the end of the friendship if she doesn't want it to be, although again, I don't get the sense from the letter that the friendship is something she wants to hold on to.

[redbird]

I'm assuming that if the letter writer knows about the arrest, so do her coworkers; they will decide for themselves whether to socialize with him, chat at the water cooler, or limit their conversations to work-related questions. Not being invited to her wedding won't be what makes him a pariah, if he becomes one.

[vass]

"It's regrettable that your co-worker didn't have his day in court because at the office it appears he has already been found guilty."

OH ABBY NO.

[moem]

Well, I agree that it's regrettable, but not for that reason.