Parents plan to punish for piercings

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My husband and I are raising four children.

For many years, we have had a rule about piercings.

Our daughters had to wait until they were 12 years old to pierce their ears.

We felt that this was an age where they had some accountability for taking care of their ears. Each of our daughters has chosen to pierce their ears.

Our 19-year-old daughter now wants a second piercing.

I was sort of OK with it, but my husband is not.

She admitted that this piercing was just a start, and that there would be others.

This tactic upset me, as I am not a fan of multiple piercings.

I sold Hep C treatments and know that unsafe piercing still carries risks.

Our daughter is training to be a nurse and, frankly, I think multiple piercings are unprofessional.

Is it wrong of us to say that when she moves out and supports herself, she can do whatever she wants, but while she is living at home we'd appreciate her respecting our views?

-- Concerned Parents

Dear Concerned: With your daughter living at home, you and your husband can lay down whatever limitations you want ... as long as you don't mind conveying to her that while she is with you, YOU will be in control of her choices related to her body.

I don't happen to believe that this is a positive message to send to a young woman. It is possible that your emphasis on these limitations is one reason your daughter wants to push them.

The advantage of piercings over tattoos, for example, is that they are relatively easily reversed. The Center for Young Women's Health (youngwomenshealth.org) has a comprehensive list of the possible medical complications related to piercing. I suggest that as you discuss this, you and your daughter should review this information together.

Your daughter is training to be a nurse. As she matures, she will understand the professional limitations presented by piercings, and then she could choose to keep or remove them, based on what her goals are.

Comments

[rosefox]

I feel like the headline has nothing to do with the actual letter. There's no mention of punishment, just "we'd appreciate her respecting our views".

[rmc28]

And if she doesn't "respect those views" i.e. obey their restriction to one piercing? There's an implicit "otherwise" which isn't spelled out. I guess you'd have to know the context to know if this was nearer "we'll speak harshly to you a bit" to "you can't live here any more, good luck living on a student nurse budget".

I am having a strongly-negative reaction to the idea that they get to say what their adult daughter does with her own body. Wherever she lives.

[rosefox]

I definitely agree on that last count.

[ayebydan]

Yes. We are not talking about a 15 year old girl who needs parental permission to get pierced but a grown adult.

[feldman]

1. She's an adult--wherever she lives--and can do with her body what she pleases as long as she hurts no one. This is a battle you can only lose, even if she delays her piercing out of deference and a need to eat while in school.

2. Student nurses aren't doctors, but they arguably have more training in universal precautions than someone who "sold Hep C treatments".

3. I've seen plenty of piercings and tattoos on nurses of all genders; if she's crossing a boundary of professionalism you can be certain her instructors will convey that to her far more effectively than you.

4. I'd guess she told you in the first place mainly because she suspected you might be weird about it wrt her younger sisters who are still under the rule, and wanted to give you a heads up as a courtesy.

5. Even if she meant it as a rebellion or a demonstration of her own adulthood, this is a small symbolic one that affects you IN NO WAY, unless you throw a tantrum about it.

[dragoness_e]

Yes, all this. Telling your adult daughter what they can do with their body is stepping way over the line, IMHO. I'm saying this as the mother of an adult daughter. OTOH, I'm not as squicked by piercings as these parents apparently are. I actually got my ears pierced before my daughter did (for developmental reasons, I persuaded her to defer getting pierced until she was about 16 or so). I did my best to educate myself on body piercings, and as a result, went to a professional body piercer to get my ears done (and later, hers) rather than a jewelry shop clerk. The pros take hygiene and aftercare for piercings very seriously, and reputable ones will refuse to pierce customers who demonstrate that they won't or can't do aftercare properly. Mine followed up with me afterwards, to check that I wasn't having any problems and that everything was healing properly. (I did have a reaction to the nickel in surgical steel, but figured it out and switched to niobium loops for healing, and it worked out. My daughter had no such complications when she got hers done.)

BTW, parents being squicked by tattoos and piercings is a classism issue, usually. Older generations like my parents (who were seriously bothered by my getting a tattoo as a grown adult living independently and asked me not to do it), grew up believing that people with visible tattoos and anything other than a pair of earrings were the worst sort of riff-raff.

[minoanmiss]

I'm not an expert, but in 3 different jobs I've worked with nurses who had piercings (and tattoos).

[ayebydan]

Parent is being ridiculous. It is a piercing. And she does not even say where? Not that it matters in the case of bodily autonomy but daughter could be talking 5 ear piercings or doing a nose, second ear set, belly button.

Also, I don't care what my nurse looks like as long as they can do their job. People who discriminate on tats and piercings need to join us in 2019 stat.

[melannen]

Also if you're actually worried about Hep C, this seems like a good chance to research (with her) how to make sure the piercings are done under safe conditions, as opposed to driving her to do it some less than ideal way.

(I don't think you're actually worried about Hep C.)

[rmc28]

4 "children", rules about piercings for the "daughters". Are there any sons? Are there rules on piercings for them?

[conuly]

You think this is an area where these parents would be less strict for their sons?

[rmc28]

It just struck me, the shift between "four children" and "our daughters"; I'm one of four siblings and the only girl.

However, on reflection, not only have they probably not even thought about boys getting piercings, I'm not getting a vibe that they would be open to arguments (as my parents were) on the lines of "does this standard apply to my brothers too?"

[nonethefewer]

Hell, I'm more likely to feel comfortable with a nurse or doctor who has piercings/tats. They're more likely to be folk-like-me friendly.

[lavendertook]

Sounds like LW is a candidate for the Alabama legislature. If not, maybe adult daughter can get a red handmaid's cloak and wear it around the house to make a point.

[mommy]

Multiple piercings and tattoos are increasingly normal in the workplace. The daughter probably isn't going to face professional repercussions for getting more piercings. If for some reason she does get blowback, she can either remove the visible piercings or replace them with less noticeable jewelry. It's not a career ender.

[lilysea]

Yes, unless daughter wants a job as

- a lawyer
- a financial adviser
- a bank teller
- a politician
- a teacher in a very conservative area

piercings are unlikely to affect her career options.

And! Piercings can be taken out!

And apart from those super-large super-distinctive ear piercings [I don't know the name for them, but I mean the ones with the plugs that hold a giant hole open, often worn by hipster/indie men], if you take the jewellery out, piercings are very subtle.

[mommy]

I work at a mid-sized law firm in the midwest. A couple of our attorneys and a few of our staff have tattoos or multiple piercings (or both). The rule at my job is that you are allowed these things, but the piercings must not be distracting and the tattoos must be hidden. Brightly colored socks and loud ties are a bigger issue than any discretely managed piercings.

The ability to remove or switch out your jewelry cannot be pointed out enough. Piercings are some of the least visible body modifications because of it unless someone actively chooses to wear something noticeable.

[cereta]

Yeah, I was going to say, I think that very few law firms would have a problem with a woman who had a second or third ear piercing.