2021-10-28
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Dear Prudence: Might as well post the whole thing
Dear Prudie,I have been with my husband for over 20 years, married for 15. He is 54 and I am 61. He adores me and has never been anything but happy with our life. However, in the last couple of years, I have had some major health issues that have changed our lives somewhat. He doesn’t complain and is right there to help me with anything, but I feel that I am becoming a burden. How do I stop feeling that I am holding him down from enjoying his life? I love him so much and I don’t want to ruin the rest of his life.
— Holding Him Back
Dear Holding Him Back,
When you got married, did he know you were seven years older than him? Was he familiar with the way people tend to deal with medical issues later in life? Was there anything in your vows that touched on the idea of loving each other unconditionally, perhaps “in sickness and in health?” I’m guessing the answers to all these questions are yes! You need to think about why you don’t believe you’re deserving of care and companionship even when you’re not at your best, and why you can’t see that having you as a partner adds value to your husband’s life. And then, with the help of a therapist or some good conversations with him, begin to change your thinking. I’m sure you’re suffering enough as a result of your medical issues—please don’t add to your pain by refusing to accept that the person who promised to love you forever actually does.
— Holding Him Back
Dear Holding Him Back,
When you got married, did he know you were seven years older than him? Was he familiar with the way people tend to deal with medical issues later in life? Was there anything in your vows that touched on the idea of loving each other unconditionally, perhaps “in sickness and in health?” I’m guessing the answers to all these questions are yes! You need to think about why you don’t believe you’re deserving of care and companionship even when you’re not at your best, and why you can’t see that having you as a partner adds value to your husband’s life. And then, with the help of a therapist or some good conversations with him, begin to change your thinking. I’m sure you’re suffering enough as a result of your medical issues—please don’t add to your pain by refusing to accept that the person who promised to love you forever actually does.
my employee wasn’t respectful enough after the company messed up her paycheck
I’m not comfortable with one of my new staff members and how overconfident she is. Her work is great and she needed very little training but she’s got very big britches.
“Jane” has only been with us for two months. Just today she asked for a meeting with me and our payroll manager. It turns out payroll made an error entering her direct deposit information that resulted in Jane not getting paid, not once but two times.
Our company requires potential candidates to complete sample assignments during the interview process and we pay them an hourly contractor rate. It turns out she didn’t get paid for her assignment period, or for the next full pay cycle. The payroll employee apologized directly to Jane in an email, because it was their error in entering her information and not following up/fixing it that resulted in Jane not getting paid. Jane was able to show emails back and forth where she checked in with the payroll employee and asked if it was fixed, which they confirmed it was. Today was payday and Jane didn’t get paid. She checked with the employee again and they acknowledged that they “thought” it was fixed. It’s upsetting for Jane, I understand, but I think she was out of line about the whole thing. People make mistakes.
Neither payroll nor I knew anything about it until today. We both apologized and assured her the issue would be handled. After that, she looked at me and the payroll manager and said, “I appreciate your apology, but I need you both to understand that this can’t happen again. This has put me under financial strain and I can’t continue to work for COMPANY if this isn’t corrected today.”
The payroll manager was heavily in agreement, but I was speechless that she’d speak to management like that.
Payroll handled the whole thing and cut her a check with the okay from HR. Jane had referenced that not being paid put her in financial hardship and unable to pay bills, so HR allowed the use of the employee hardship fund and gave her $500 in gift cards so she can get groceries and gas and catch up on bills. I’m just kind of floored that she’s getting gift cards after speaking to her superiors like that. I’m also uncomfortable because why is our company responsible for her fiscal irresponsibility? Her personal finances or debts are not the company’s responsibility. I just don’t think it’s the company’s responsibility to give her more than what she’s earned (the extra $500 from the employee emergency relief fund) to fix things for her if she overspent or didn’t prioritize her bills or save smartly. We also don’t know if she is actually experiencing a financial hardship or just claiming she was.
HR allowed her paid time to go to the bank today and deposit her check. I told our HR person that while it’s not okay Jane didn’t get paid, the way she approached it was uncalled for. HR told me, “She’s right, it can’t happen again and it shouldn’t have happened at all.”
I’m getting tired of the respect gap I’m seeing with younger staff. I think Jane would be better suited in a different department. I’m not comfortable having her on my team since it’s obvious she doesn’t understand she’s entry-level and not in charge. Should I wait a while before suggesting she transfer to a different department?
( Read more... )
“Jane” has only been with us for two months. Just today she asked for a meeting with me and our payroll manager. It turns out payroll made an error entering her direct deposit information that resulted in Jane not getting paid, not once but two times.
Our company requires potential candidates to complete sample assignments during the interview process and we pay them an hourly contractor rate. It turns out she didn’t get paid for her assignment period, or for the next full pay cycle. The payroll employee apologized directly to Jane in an email, because it was their error in entering her information and not following up/fixing it that resulted in Jane not getting paid. Jane was able to show emails back and forth where she checked in with the payroll employee and asked if it was fixed, which they confirmed it was. Today was payday and Jane didn’t get paid. She checked with the employee again and they acknowledged that they “thought” it was fixed. It’s upsetting for Jane, I understand, but I think she was out of line about the whole thing. People make mistakes.
Neither payroll nor I knew anything about it until today. We both apologized and assured her the issue would be handled. After that, she looked at me and the payroll manager and said, “I appreciate your apology, but I need you both to understand that this can’t happen again. This has put me under financial strain and I can’t continue to work for COMPANY if this isn’t corrected today.”
The payroll manager was heavily in agreement, but I was speechless that she’d speak to management like that.
Payroll handled the whole thing and cut her a check with the okay from HR. Jane had referenced that not being paid put her in financial hardship and unable to pay bills, so HR allowed the use of the employee hardship fund and gave her $500 in gift cards so she can get groceries and gas and catch up on bills. I’m just kind of floored that she’s getting gift cards after speaking to her superiors like that. I’m also uncomfortable because why is our company responsible for her fiscal irresponsibility? Her personal finances or debts are not the company’s responsibility. I just don’t think it’s the company’s responsibility to give her more than what she’s earned (the extra $500 from the employee emergency relief fund) to fix things for her if she overspent or didn’t prioritize her bills or save smartly. We also don’t know if she is actually experiencing a financial hardship or just claiming she was.
HR allowed her paid time to go to the bank today and deposit her check. I told our HR person that while it’s not okay Jane didn’t get paid, the way she approached it was uncalled for. HR told me, “She’s right, it can’t happen again and it shouldn’t have happened at all.”
I’m getting tired of the respect gap I’m seeing with younger staff. I think Jane would be better suited in a different department. I’m not comfortable having her on my team since it’s obvious she doesn’t understand she’s entry-level and not in charge. Should I wait a while before suggesting she transfer to a different department?
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Dear Prudence,
When I was 10, my then 16-year-old stepsister Corrine moved in with my family. Her mom kicked her out for breaking curfew. Corrine and my mom clashed; she got my room, while I had to move in with my sister, and I was bitterly jealous of her being our dad’s biological daughter. So, I framed her for stealing and destroying my mom’s heirlooms. When Corrine refused to confess, my parents sent her to live with relatives while everyone calmed down. At the time, I was terrified to tell the truth, lest I be sent away. The guilt over what I did to Corrine has haunted me ever since.
Now we’re grown up. Corrine ran away from the relatives and was homeless for a few years. She now refuses to speak to my parents, who deeply regret sending her away. I know I need to confess to my parents and apologize to Corrine, but I am terrified of how everyone will react. My dad will never forgive himself for failing Corrine, and it would destroy me to lose his love, although I deserve it. I don’t know what to say, because nothing in the world will make what I did okay or fix the hurt I caused.
How should I begin to confess?
— Unforgivable
( Read more... )
When I was 10, my then 16-year-old stepsister Corrine moved in with my family. Her mom kicked her out for breaking curfew. Corrine and my mom clashed; she got my room, while I had to move in with my sister, and I was bitterly jealous of her being our dad’s biological daughter. So, I framed her for stealing and destroying my mom’s heirlooms. When Corrine refused to confess, my parents sent her to live with relatives while everyone calmed down. At the time, I was terrified to tell the truth, lest I be sent away. The guilt over what I did to Corrine has haunted me ever since.
Now we’re grown up. Corrine ran away from the relatives and was homeless for a few years. She now refuses to speak to my parents, who deeply regret sending her away. I know I need to confess to my parents and apologize to Corrine, but I am terrified of how everyone will react. My dad will never forgive himself for failing Corrine, and it would destroy me to lose his love, although I deserve it. I don’t know what to say, because nothing in the world will make what I did okay or fix the hurt I caused.
How should I begin to confess?
— Unforgivable
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I had a fight with my mother, and I want to know who is wrong. (Good and petty opener, right?) My partner and I have a wonderful, spunky 19-month-old son. Last weekend, we invited my parents up to spend the day with him, as we had lots of errands to run and are trying to avoid taking him to public spaces that aren’t day care while the delta variant is raging all around us. His grandparents live about an hour and a half away and, although we try to see them at least twice a month, they don’t get a ton of alone time with their grandson as the logistics can get pretty hairy (car rides and nap times and snack times, oh my). Before leaving the house, I had given pretty clear instructions on what his daily schedule looks like—when he should eat, when he should go down for a nap, etc. He has a rigid schedule, but he needs one. It helps him feel secure during the day and cues him to what’s next. This is something I just really, really KNOW about my child. I am aware that it sounds like first-time-parent, uptight nonsense, but all our lives are better when we follow the routine.
When we got home from our errands, it was half an hour past his naptime and my son was totally wiped out. My mother was holding him, obviously enjoying his exhausted cuddliness, and he was pale, relieved to see me, and a complete shell of himself. I whisked him upstairs to bed, and he screamed and cried for a bit in his crib before collapsing into sleep. I watched his monitor for a good while to make sure he wasn’t going to catapult himself out of his crib. In the meantime, while I focused on the task at hand, my mother decided I was violently angry with her, started yelling at me about how she had tried to put him to sleep but “he didn’t want to go,” and then stormed out of my house to drive home with my dad.
Later, knowing she was upset, I sent her a text to smooth things out. I said I was sorry I hadn’t given her more detailed instructions, and I would plan better next time. She texted back that I am a total control freak who needs to let go of my grip on my son, that I was wrathful and cruel, that I drove her out of the house that afternoon. Honestly, I was shocked. I had barely said anything before she screamed at ME and stormed out of MY HOUSE! So, I told her I wasn’t going to discuss this matter with her any further as it obviously wasn’t going anywhere. I haven’t heard from her since.
What. The. Fuck. Happened.
Is my mom getting old? Was she embarrassed? Am I really expected to “loosen my grip” on my 1-YEAR-OLD? (By the way, he was a total mess for the next two days! That’s why the schedule is important!) I think she’s maybe trying to manipulate me into admitting fault (she’s been doing that to me my whole life, I think), but I badly do not want to be bullied into taking full blame for a conflict for which I strongly feel she is at fault. I am the one calling the shots for my family. Not her. What am I supposed to do here?
—Control Freak?
( Not loving this answer )
I had a fight with my mother, and I want to know who is wrong. (Good and petty opener, right?) My partner and I have a wonderful, spunky 19-month-old son. Last weekend, we invited my parents up to spend the day with him, as we had lots of errands to run and are trying to avoid taking him to public spaces that aren’t day care while the delta variant is raging all around us. His grandparents live about an hour and a half away and, although we try to see them at least twice a month, they don’t get a ton of alone time with their grandson as the logistics can get pretty hairy (car rides and nap times and snack times, oh my). Before leaving the house, I had given pretty clear instructions on what his daily schedule looks like—when he should eat, when he should go down for a nap, etc. He has a rigid schedule, but he needs one. It helps him feel secure during the day and cues him to what’s next. This is something I just really, really KNOW about my child. I am aware that it sounds like first-time-parent, uptight nonsense, but all our lives are better when we follow the routine.
When we got home from our errands, it was half an hour past his naptime and my son was totally wiped out. My mother was holding him, obviously enjoying his exhausted cuddliness, and he was pale, relieved to see me, and a complete shell of himself. I whisked him upstairs to bed, and he screamed and cried for a bit in his crib before collapsing into sleep. I watched his monitor for a good while to make sure he wasn’t going to catapult himself out of his crib. In the meantime, while I focused on the task at hand, my mother decided I was violently angry with her, started yelling at me about how she had tried to put him to sleep but “he didn’t want to go,” and then stormed out of my house to drive home with my dad.
Later, knowing she was upset, I sent her a text to smooth things out. I said I was sorry I hadn’t given her more detailed instructions, and I would plan better next time. She texted back that I am a total control freak who needs to let go of my grip on my son, that I was wrathful and cruel, that I drove her out of the house that afternoon. Honestly, I was shocked. I had barely said anything before she screamed at ME and stormed out of MY HOUSE! So, I told her I wasn’t going to discuss this matter with her any further as it obviously wasn’t going anywhere. I haven’t heard from her since.
What. The. Fuck. Happened.
Is my mom getting old? Was she embarrassed? Am I really expected to “loosen my grip” on my 1-YEAR-OLD? (By the way, he was a total mess for the next two days! That’s why the schedule is important!) I think she’s maybe trying to manipulate me into admitting fault (she’s been doing that to me my whole life, I think), but I badly do not want to be bullied into taking full blame for a conflict for which I strongly feel she is at fault. I am the one calling the shots for my family. Not her. What am I supposed to do here?
—Control Freak?
( Not loving this answer )
Last one, I promise!
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and our kids recently moved into a new neighborhood. Our reason for moving was a better school district and bullying issues at the prior school which negatively affected my daughter Liz (13). Liz essentially lost many friends during the pandemic as we decided early on that masking, vaccines, and online learning would be the only way for our family to keep safe. She slowly became excluded from many gatherings, in-person and online. Eventually kids started becoming really mean to Liz and bullying her in online games and on TikTok. Moving was our only choice to change schools.
Liz ended up having a great summer with the kids in the new neighborhood, and all of them would go house-hopping every day with some sleepovers. Unfortunately, there was a neighborhood birthday where all families were invited, but we left early to walk our dog, and one of the girl’s mothers, “Grace,” had a talking-to with all of the kids about how she felt they had not been playing nice with her daughter. Liz felt singled-out for scolding in particular. It really bothered me when Liz told me the story, so I told her she not to go over to Grace’s house anymore. If you have a problem with my kid, you talk to me and you certainly don’t have my permission to verbally ostracize her without me and especially in front of other people. I don’t know her well—so confronting her was not an option.
Anyway, when the kids were playing and about to all go over to Grace’s house one day a few weeks ago, Liz told the kids she could not go. Shortly after that, the kids stopped coming over to our house. Little by little, we saw the kids playing outside—but none of the kids were asking Liz to come out and play anymore. Then, other kids disconnected from Liz on online games. I also started to see social gatherings with all the kids at houses or birthday parties on social media—all the kids except my Lizzie. Grace’s family also unfriended us on social media.
Obviously, if they are having gatherings and not inviting us or Liz—our family and my poor Lizzie has been excommunicated by many in the neighborhood. We are at a loss, as we moved to get away from the exact situation of mean girls, and it’s happening all over again.
Only now, Liz can see it all unfolding from her windows upstairs.
At school she is adjusting fine, making some new friends and keeping A’s and B’s, but this neighborhood exclusion is triggering flashbacks of her old bullying friends and school, and she is sad and mopey at home, constantly talking about how she doesn’t know why they are all excluding her and ignoring her. I bought her some books about why girls are mean and how to get over girl drama from Amazon. My husband is over talking about it and says we need to get over it: Not everyone is going to like you and it builds character. But this character-building is breaking Liz’s heart and mine as well. What can I do to turn this around?
—Heartbroken
( Read more... )
My husband and our kids recently moved into a new neighborhood. Our reason for moving was a better school district and bullying issues at the prior school which negatively affected my daughter Liz (13). Liz essentially lost many friends during the pandemic as we decided early on that masking, vaccines, and online learning would be the only way for our family to keep safe. She slowly became excluded from many gatherings, in-person and online. Eventually kids started becoming really mean to Liz and bullying her in online games and on TikTok. Moving was our only choice to change schools.
Liz ended up having a great summer with the kids in the new neighborhood, and all of them would go house-hopping every day with some sleepovers. Unfortunately, there was a neighborhood birthday where all families were invited, but we left early to walk our dog, and one of the girl’s mothers, “Grace,” had a talking-to with all of the kids about how she felt they had not been playing nice with her daughter. Liz felt singled-out for scolding in particular. It really bothered me when Liz told me the story, so I told her she not to go over to Grace’s house anymore. If you have a problem with my kid, you talk to me and you certainly don’t have my permission to verbally ostracize her without me and especially in front of other people. I don’t know her well—so confronting her was not an option.
Anyway, when the kids were playing and about to all go over to Grace’s house one day a few weeks ago, Liz told the kids she could not go. Shortly after that, the kids stopped coming over to our house. Little by little, we saw the kids playing outside—but none of the kids were asking Liz to come out and play anymore. Then, other kids disconnected from Liz on online games. I also started to see social gatherings with all the kids at houses or birthday parties on social media—all the kids except my Lizzie. Grace’s family also unfriended us on social media.
Obviously, if they are having gatherings and not inviting us or Liz—our family and my poor Lizzie has been excommunicated by many in the neighborhood. We are at a loss, as we moved to get away from the exact situation of mean girls, and it’s happening all over again.
Only now, Liz can see it all unfolding from her windows upstairs.
At school she is adjusting fine, making some new friends and keeping A’s and B’s, but this neighborhood exclusion is triggering flashbacks of her old bullying friends and school, and she is sad and mopey at home, constantly talking about how she doesn’t know why they are all excluding her and ignoring her. I bought her some books about why girls are mean and how to get over girl drama from Amazon. My husband is over talking about it and says we need to get over it: Not everyone is going to like you and it builds character. But this character-building is breaking Liz’s heart and mine as well. What can I do to turn this around?
—Heartbroken
( Read more... )