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agonyaunt2020-04-17 03:23 pm
havocthecat) wrote in agonyaunt2020-04-17 03:23 pm
Work Friend: I’m Working Remotely. Can I Keep Hiding My Secret Baby?
OMG. This is hilarious. Is this even real? It's here (and paywalled after you read X articles in a month): https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/16/business/work-baby.html?action=click&module=Editors%20Picks&pgtype=Homepage
I’m self-employed and had a baby a few weeks ago. I am working on a project that was supposed to launch earlier this year but has now been pushed back to summer. I never told my remote business partner I was pregnant because I didn’t want it to be a reason to push the launch date, and also I figured he might not think I was as committed to the project once I had a baby. We only touch base every few weeks, so we’re not especially close.
Now that the baby is here, it feels weird to not mention her. Since I’m working from home, you can hear her noises in the background; I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s a cat. On our last call, he mentioned that I was fortunate I don’t have to deal with kids at this moment in time (but I do!). Is it too late for me to tell him I had a baby? I feel anxious that he could misconstrue my omission as a lack of trust in him personally. Maybe I just never say anything? It’s not like he needs to know!
— Anonymous, Texas
Ma’am, I want to thank you for keeping life interesting. You are a 21st century Lucy Ricardo, and even though you have gotten yourself into quite a pickle this time, you carved out a moment (while working remotely, while tending to a newborn!) to share your misadventure with the world. I wish I knew you.
After mulling (I believe) every possible scenario for how you might proceed, I’m afraid the course with the likeliest odds of success is also the most preposterous: You’re going to have to gaslight this man.
“Gaslight” comes to us from the 1944 film “Gaslight” (adapted from an earlier film, adapted from a play) starring Ingrid Bergman as a wife whose husband manipulates her into believing she is going insane so that he can steal some family jewels. Your aim will be less extreme: to make your remote work colleague believe he is incurious, and/or forgetful.
You have to act as if he’s known about the baby all along.
In a previous column, I mentioned the principle that guides my life: If you don’t lie, you can’t get caught. Never lying is the best way to live for two reasons. One, it’s easiest long term. Not lying allows me to be careless with my memory, and frees up the brain space where lies would be stored for other use. Two, if you never lie, you build up enough good will and credibility to pull off one giant lie. This will be yours, and it will require the performance of a lifetime. After this, no more lies.
At some point in the future, you must, with extreme casualness, refer to your daughter by name, exactly the way you would if he had known about her all along. Perhaps, at the end of a call, say something like “Yep, I’m just going to check on [NAME], and then I’ll email it right over.”
There’s a good chance your colleague won’t remark on the new character you’ve introduced. If he doesn’t — fantastic. A couple weeks later, repeat the process. After that, you’re in the clear.
If he asks “Who?” repeat her name clearly. If he expresses more confusion, you express confusion — of course you’re confused; he’s acting like he’s never heard your baby’s name even though you’ve obviously mentioned her because you are a regular person who doesn’t keep deranged secrets. Maybe chuckle — you don’t quite get his joke but haha? (When in doubt: Be confused. Remember when he said you were lucky you didn’t have kids? That was confusing. Maybe he meant school-aged kids?)
Never use the phrase “my baby.” You don’t want him pondering a timeline. “Daughter” is preferable, if you must.
I’m self-employed and had a baby a few weeks ago. I am working on a project that was supposed to launch earlier this year but has now been pushed back to summer. I never told my remote business partner I was pregnant because I didn’t want it to be a reason to push the launch date, and also I figured he might not think I was as committed to the project once I had a baby. We only touch base every few weeks, so we’re not especially close.
Now that the baby is here, it feels weird to not mention her. Since I’m working from home, you can hear her noises in the background; I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s a cat. On our last call, he mentioned that I was fortunate I don’t have to deal with kids at this moment in time (but I do!). Is it too late for me to tell him I had a baby? I feel anxious that he could misconstrue my omission as a lack of trust in him personally. Maybe I just never say anything? It’s not like he needs to know!
— Anonymous, Texas
Ma’am, I want to thank you for keeping life interesting. You are a 21st century Lucy Ricardo, and even though you have gotten yourself into quite a pickle this time, you carved out a moment (while working remotely, while tending to a newborn!) to share your misadventure with the world. I wish I knew you.
After mulling (I believe) every possible scenario for how you might proceed, I’m afraid the course with the likeliest odds of success is also the most preposterous: You’re going to have to gaslight this man.
“Gaslight” comes to us from the 1944 film “Gaslight” (adapted from an earlier film, adapted from a play) starring Ingrid Bergman as a wife whose husband manipulates her into believing she is going insane so that he can steal some family jewels. Your aim will be less extreme: to make your remote work colleague believe he is incurious, and/or forgetful.
You have to act as if he’s known about the baby all along.
In a previous column, I mentioned the principle that guides my life: If you don’t lie, you can’t get caught. Never lying is the best way to live for two reasons. One, it’s easiest long term. Not lying allows me to be careless with my memory, and frees up the brain space where lies would be stored for other use. Two, if you never lie, you build up enough good will and credibility to pull off one giant lie. This will be yours, and it will require the performance of a lifetime. After this, no more lies.
At some point in the future, you must, with extreme casualness, refer to your daughter by name, exactly the way you would if he had known about her all along. Perhaps, at the end of a call, say something like “Yep, I’m just going to check on [NAME], and then I’ll email it right over.”
There’s a good chance your colleague won’t remark on the new character you’ve introduced. If he doesn’t — fantastic. A couple weeks later, repeat the process. After that, you’re in the clear.
If he asks “Who?” repeat her name clearly. If he expresses more confusion, you express confusion — of course you’re confused; he’s acting like he’s never heard your baby’s name even though you’ve obviously mentioned her because you are a regular person who doesn’t keep deranged secrets. Maybe chuckle — you don’t quite get his joke but haha? (When in doubt: Be confused. Remember when he said you were lucky you didn’t have kids? That was confusing. Maybe he meant school-aged kids?)
Never use the phrase “my baby.” You don’t want him pondering a timeline. “Daughter” is preferable, if you must.
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B) I would read the hell out of this fic.
C) [insert semi-obligatory dithering over the relative ethics of gaslighting a colleague about having a kid here]
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But it would be awesome.
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Oh, Leia would absolutely gaslight people about having a baby. (I haven't actually written Star Wars fic since I was, uh, 12 or 13, but it's an entertaining idea...)
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The fic
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Like, we've all had that thing we didn't mention and now it's awkward that we didn't mention it. I feel like it's not a big deal, esp with coworkers where you're not close socially.
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Plus, like I said, it seems kinda extreme when all that's gonna ensue if you tell him is like, a moderately awkward conversation.
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I mean, I would never do that to someone because it's absolutely horrible to gaslight them, and this advice columnist is obviously a terrible person if it's a real letter. The letter writer is not, because it's no one's business if she has a child, and that child could be damaging her to career, so I don't blame her for keeping her daughter a secret.
But omg. Advice to gaslight? For serious? That's just such terrible advice it's hilariously bad and I'm half-convinced the columnist or the LW has made it up to see if the editors really would print anything. I am, in my head, making up wild scenarios such as "if it's the LW making it up, the columnist did some due diligence, found out it was fake, and is now just fucking with them to play along."
ETA: I hope that if the LW is telling the truth, that she is ABSOLUTELY NOT listening to the columnist, because the WTF-ery is strong with this one.
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It's an MDZS/The Untamed Modern-AU
Let's Play Pretend and Live Our Lives