Dear Prudence

[inlovewithnight]

Q. Transphobic Mother: How do I tell my mom that I'm dating a transgender man? I'm an adult, but I still live with my parents, and she has made some jokes about people that are transgender and has said that they don't know what they want. I know that it's within my right to not say anything, but I am very close to my parents, so I hate keeping things from them. She's met the guy in question, so I can't just not mention that he wasn't identified a man at birth. How should I handle this?

A: Since you're an adult, you start working toward being able to live in your own place so that your social life won't fall so directly under your parent's purview. I don't think you should say anything to your parents at this point. You're dating someone who identifies as a man and that's all your mother needs to know. She's met him and didn't have any questions about his gender. If you two decide to marry, then yes, this would be something to discuss with your parents, but that sounds as if it's not now on the agenda. If your mother talking about transgender people is a constant theme, then you should do some educating—and you can make it general for the time being. If she just makes an occasional remark that is not offensive, you can ignore it or address it as the situation demands.

[source]

Comments

[inlovewithnight]

1. I see Prudence isn't aware of the current economy where moving out of your parents' house may or may not be an option.

2. If you two decide to marry, then yes, this would be something to discuss with your parents

...why? How does it become any more of their business if marriage is involved?

3. Definitely needed to include advice that the letter writer DISCUSS THIS WITH THEIR PARTNER, instead of outing him without consent.

[delphi]

Heaven forbid the boyfriend should actually get a say in this. And I am weirded out by the assertion that marriage somehow requires full personal history disclosure to your in-laws.

[cereta]

A slightly different take: I think Prudie misread something about the question. The issue was not when/whether to tell the parents that the man is transgender, but rather when/how to tell the parents that they're dating. I think the "She's met the guy in question, so I can't just not mention that he wasn't identified a man at birth" was meant to say that Mom knows the man wasn't identified as male at birth. That said, I agree that this is something she and her partner should decide together.