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agonyaunt2019-06-06 11:45 pm
colorwheel) wrote in agonyaunt2019-06-06 11:45 pm
Dear Prudence: Dating with chronic illness and a service dog
Dear Prudence,
I attend a large university and am going into my third year. I love my school and have made really wonderful and supportive friends. However, I would love to find a romantic partner. I’m a straight woman, and I’ve been on a few dating apps and gone on many dates in the past couple of years, often with plenty of mutual interest, but my chronic illness and service dog make things complicated. He goes everywhere with me in order to detect if my medical condition is becoming dangerous and I need to take action. He makes me feel safe, is extremely well-behaved, and unless I’m in need of medical attention or we’re out walking, no one usually notices him.
I try to be up-front about my service dog, but I usually don’t bring him with me on first dates out of fear. My siblings sometimes feel uncomfortable with the dog and say that I’m “attracting too much attention,” so I fear that men I want to date will feel the same way. I usually mention my dog on first dates, and it’s almost never well-received. Sometimes guys say they’re allergic, which is legitimate, but sometimes they say they aren’t comfortable or that they’re not looking for a relationship with someone who needs a service dog. Some just say, “Oh … ” Others start asking a lot of intrusive questions about my medical condition and express reservations about dating someone with “constraints.” I don’t want to date an asshole who secretly hates my service dog and resents me for my chronic illness, but I’m tired of being completely shut down just because I have different physical needs than they do. How can I find people who don’t feel intimidated or weirded out by my service dog? Is there a way to bring it up that won’t make people jump into panic mode? Is there a way that I can respond to people who do express concern about my service dog and dating to make the situation more comfortable?
—Suddenly Dog-Shy
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this same roadblock on so many first dates. It sounds absolutely exhausting. I’m sorry, too, that your siblings have made you feel like a quiet, well-behaved dog that helps you monitor your medical condition is drawing unnecessary attention, as if you were doing something bizarre or socially inappropriate. It sounds like this problem exists mostly in their own heads and that most people in public don’t give your dog a second thought. I hope you can remind yourself to dismiss their concerns as having nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
When it comes to the guys you’re seeing, I’d recommend trying a few things. First, I’d consider trying one or two dating apps or sites that specifically serve people with chronic illnesses. Not because you ought to restrict your dating pool—certainly keep using the apps you’re already on—but because it might feel energizing and exciting to occasionally go out with someone who also has a service dog or at least has a deeper understanding about why a person might need one. Second, let these guys know beforehand, either in your dating profile or in the conversation arranging the time and place of your first date, that you have a service dog that monitors your medical condition. If they demur, disappear, or start to ask overly personal questions (rather than a friendly question like, “Is there anything I should know about him? Should I acknowledge him, or is it better to leave him alone when he’s working?”), then at least you haven’t wasted an evening. And if you occasionally need to give yourself a break from dating because you find it’s wearing down your self-esteem and emotional resilience, please do. Take a few weeks or months off, focus on the people and the things in your life that give you joy, and only reenter the dating pool when you’re feeling ready.
I attend a large university and am going into my third year. I love my school and have made really wonderful and supportive friends. However, I would love to find a romantic partner. I’m a straight woman, and I’ve been on a few dating apps and gone on many dates in the past couple of years, often with plenty of mutual interest, but my chronic illness and service dog make things complicated. He goes everywhere with me in order to detect if my medical condition is becoming dangerous and I need to take action. He makes me feel safe, is extremely well-behaved, and unless I’m in need of medical attention or we’re out walking, no one usually notices him.
I try to be up-front about my service dog, but I usually don’t bring him with me on first dates out of fear. My siblings sometimes feel uncomfortable with the dog and say that I’m “attracting too much attention,” so I fear that men I want to date will feel the same way. I usually mention my dog on first dates, and it’s almost never well-received. Sometimes guys say they’re allergic, which is legitimate, but sometimes they say they aren’t comfortable or that they’re not looking for a relationship with someone who needs a service dog. Some just say, “Oh … ” Others start asking a lot of intrusive questions about my medical condition and express reservations about dating someone with “constraints.” I don’t want to date an asshole who secretly hates my service dog and resents me for my chronic illness, but I’m tired of being completely shut down just because I have different physical needs than they do. How can I find people who don’t feel intimidated or weirded out by my service dog? Is there a way to bring it up that won’t make people jump into panic mode? Is there a way that I can respond to people who do express concern about my service dog and dating to make the situation more comfortable?
—Suddenly Dog-Shy
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this same roadblock on so many first dates. It sounds absolutely exhausting. I’m sorry, too, that your siblings have made you feel like a quiet, well-behaved dog that helps you monitor your medical condition is drawing unnecessary attention, as if you were doing something bizarre or socially inappropriate. It sounds like this problem exists mostly in their own heads and that most people in public don’t give your dog a second thought. I hope you can remind yourself to dismiss their concerns as having nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
When it comes to the guys you’re seeing, I’d recommend trying a few things. First, I’d consider trying one or two dating apps or sites that specifically serve people with chronic illnesses. Not because you ought to restrict your dating pool—certainly keep using the apps you’re already on—but because it might feel energizing and exciting to occasionally go out with someone who also has a service dog or at least has a deeper understanding about why a person might need one. Second, let these guys know beforehand, either in your dating profile or in the conversation arranging the time and place of your first date, that you have a service dog that monitors your medical condition. If they demur, disappear, or start to ask overly personal questions (rather than a friendly question like, “Is there anything I should know about him? Should I acknowledge him, or is it better to leave him alone when he’s working?”), then at least you haven’t wasted an evening. And if you occasionally need to give yourself a break from dating because you find it’s wearing down your self-esteem and emotional resilience, please do. Take a few weeks or months off, focus on the people and the things in your life that give you joy, and only reenter the dating pool when you’re feeling ready.
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(I was thinking about this, when today's Captain Awkward came along - different topic, similar advice "this thing which may be awkward is not going to get *less* awkward after the first date, so you may as well use it as a positive filter for people who will be good with the real you".)
Also seriously not happy with those siblings complaining about "attracting attention" by ... visibly having a support dog in public? Fuck all complaints about being visibly disabled in public.
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Also, good advice. Good luck, LW!
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