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agonyaunt2019-05-02 05:54 pm
colorwheel) wrote in agonyaunt2019-05-02 05:54 pm
Care and Feeding
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I usually have sex in the evening, for unsurprising reasons (“day is done, let’s have fun,” etc.), but we like to be able to do it whenever the mood strikes us. We have a 12-year-old son, and usually if my husband’s home, my son is home too. I want to know how to go about having sex when our son is home, now that he’s a bit older. Usually we make sure he’s busy doing something (video games or whatnot), or we’ll tell him that “we’re going to have a talk” in the bedroom and that we need privacy. He accepts all of this and doesn’t question it. Is it a big deal that we have sex at home while, say, he’s reading in the next room? We’re not particularly loud, but I don’t know what sounds carry through the walls. I just want to be considerate, and not potentially scar him or whatever.
—We Were Playing … a … Wrestling Game?
Dear Wrestler,
I consulted with a former sex and parenting educator for this one, who pointed out that this letter might be focused on the wrong question. It’s perhaps not so much about whether or not your kid knows you are having sex. Sex, after all, is a healthy, natural, and—under the appropriate circumstances—pretty good part of life! Twelve-year-olds know that sex happens. They know that people like sex. They probably even know that their parents have sex. So, as long as you are being conscientious and creating proper boundaries—not boning with the door wide open, leaving strap-ons in the dishwasher, or yelling “yes daddy” loud enough for half the city to hear—no damage is done by your kid just knowing that sex between his parents exists.
When the kid is home, you’ve got to get in where you fit in.
What is a potential issue, however, is if your kid feels neglected, alone, or uncared for because his parents are unavailable for love, caring, or recognition in that moment. Much of the pain that comes for kids when the adults in their lives are … uh … occupied is not from the activity itself but from the fact that kids can be made to feel unimportant and unwanted, as though they were a burden. This, in turn, makes them feel detached from their sense of belonging and safety. What an agonizing thing that is for a young heart to feel in its own home!
So when you guys are ready to do your thing, make sure your kid is truly and honestly occupied and happy. Make sure he knows that he can reach you if he truly needs to, that if he knocks on the door, you’ll respond without making him feel like an annoyance. Pick times in which he might not want to hear from you just as much as you may not want to hear from him. And while I know it’s hard to put a timer on such things, make sure your skyrockets don’t stay in flight for hours per session. The sad reality of parenting with older kids is that if you want true, long-form, uninterrupted boot-knocking, you’re going to have to find a kid-free weekend or something. But when the kid is home, you’ve got to get in where you fit in.
Congrats on having a great sex life with your spouse. It’s a beautiful thing, and I hope you are counting your blessings.
My husband and I usually have sex in the evening, for unsurprising reasons (“day is done, let’s have fun,” etc.), but we like to be able to do it whenever the mood strikes us. We have a 12-year-old son, and usually if my husband’s home, my son is home too. I want to know how to go about having sex when our son is home, now that he’s a bit older. Usually we make sure he’s busy doing something (video games or whatnot), or we’ll tell him that “we’re going to have a talk” in the bedroom and that we need privacy. He accepts all of this and doesn’t question it. Is it a big deal that we have sex at home while, say, he’s reading in the next room? We’re not particularly loud, but I don’t know what sounds carry through the walls. I just want to be considerate, and not potentially scar him or whatever.
—We Were Playing … a … Wrestling Game?
Dear Wrestler,
I consulted with a former sex and parenting educator for this one, who pointed out that this letter might be focused on the wrong question. It’s perhaps not so much about whether or not your kid knows you are having sex. Sex, after all, is a healthy, natural, and—under the appropriate circumstances—pretty good part of life! Twelve-year-olds know that sex happens. They know that people like sex. They probably even know that their parents have sex. So, as long as you are being conscientious and creating proper boundaries—not boning with the door wide open, leaving strap-ons in the dishwasher, or yelling “yes daddy” loud enough for half the city to hear—no damage is done by your kid just knowing that sex between his parents exists.
When the kid is home, you’ve got to get in where you fit in.
What is a potential issue, however, is if your kid feels neglected, alone, or uncared for because his parents are unavailable for love, caring, or recognition in that moment. Much of the pain that comes for kids when the adults in their lives are … uh … occupied is not from the activity itself but from the fact that kids can be made to feel unimportant and unwanted, as though they were a burden. This, in turn, makes them feel detached from their sense of belonging and safety. What an agonizing thing that is for a young heart to feel in its own home!
So when you guys are ready to do your thing, make sure your kid is truly and honestly occupied and happy. Make sure he knows that he can reach you if he truly needs to, that if he knocks on the door, you’ll respond without making him feel like an annoyance. Pick times in which he might not want to hear from you just as much as you may not want to hear from him. And while I know it’s hard to put a timer on such things, make sure your skyrockets don’t stay in flight for hours per session. The sad reality of parenting with older kids is that if you want true, long-form, uninterrupted boot-knocking, you’re going to have to find a kid-free weekend or something. But when the kid is home, you’ve got to get in where you fit in.
Congrats on having a great sex life with your spouse. It’s a beautiful thing, and I hope you are counting your blessings.
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nod And how the parents handle it, too.
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Sometimes, I can't tell if she's extraordinarily healthy on the subject or just weird. Possibly both.
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But it's a healthy lesson to learn, that someone's life doesn't revolve entirely around you and you are not entitled to their attention 100% of the time. More people should learn it, and if they don't learn it as kids, they're going to hurt more when they learn it as adults.