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Ask Amy: Husband hacks away at his marriage
Dear Amy: I’ve recently caught my husband of two years (father of our two sons) cheating. This is the fourth time I’ve caught him. The first time was just after our older son was born, 18 months ago. Our second baby is just 3 months old.
Every time this happens, he claims he has been hacked.
I have staggering evidence every time that the pictures and the conversations are genuine — they contain things only he would know. But he is always able to show me some proof that he was hacked.
I always choose to believe him, because cheating doesn’t even match his behavior or personality, but eventually I look again, and there it is — all over again.
When I confront him, he deletes Facebook and beefs up the security on his phone, although he never lets me see it.
Even if I choose to believe him, is it right for him to hide his phone activity from me when this is a recurring issue?
Conflicted and Hurt
Dear Conflicted: Your husband doesn’t seem to be effective in preventing these so-called breaches to his security. If Facebook is being hacked over and over again, simply deleting and then reinstalling the app isn’t going to fix things. (And why do these hacks always bring other people sliding into his mentions?)
In short, no — I don’t believe him.
You have two very young children. Yes, trust is a choice. If it is best for you to trust your husband in order to stay in a relationship with him, then you will continue to trust him. However, merely believing his lame explanations does not make your partnership healthy or whole.
The way to recover from cheating (or handle unfounded accusations of cheating) is through complete transparency. He should show you his phone whenever you want to see it, instead of denying the obvious and then gaslighting you.
My favorite book on infidelity contains insight into this relationship dynamic, as well as tools for healing. Read “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass (2004, Atria Books).
Every time this happens, he claims he has been hacked.
I have staggering evidence every time that the pictures and the conversations are genuine — they contain things only he would know. But he is always able to show me some proof that he was hacked.
I always choose to believe him, because cheating doesn’t even match his behavior or personality, but eventually I look again, and there it is — all over again.
When I confront him, he deletes Facebook and beefs up the security on his phone, although he never lets me see it.
Even if I choose to believe him, is it right for him to hide his phone activity from me when this is a recurring issue?
Conflicted and Hurt
Dear Conflicted: Your husband doesn’t seem to be effective in preventing these so-called breaches to his security. If Facebook is being hacked over and over again, simply deleting and then reinstalling the app isn’t going to fix things. (And why do these hacks always bring other people sliding into his mentions?)
In short, no — I don’t believe him.
You have two very young children. Yes, trust is a choice. If it is best for you to trust your husband in order to stay in a relationship with him, then you will continue to trust him. However, merely believing his lame explanations does not make your partnership healthy or whole.
The way to recover from cheating (or handle unfounded accusations of cheating) is through complete transparency. He should show you his phone whenever you want to see it, instead of denying the obvious and then gaslighting you.
My favorite book on infidelity contains insight into this relationship dynamic, as well as tools for healing. Read “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass (2004, Atria Books).
no subject
Then, if they both want stay in the relationship anyway, they can have the discussion about how they're going to deal with his cheating. Which may involve him agreeing to her monitoring him, or may not.
The other option is for her to decide she can live with him lying, constantly, about important things, which means a) separate finances and b) regular STD checks or condoms in the marriage bed and c) not actually trusting him with anything else important. Some women are willing to make this compromise. Trying to control his communications does not help with it.
Or, she can do that while either waiting for him to come clean or deciding if she wants to leave. But she needs to take practical steps to deal with the fact that the father of her children is untrustworthy either way.