Ask Amy: Husband hacks away at his marriage

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I’ve recently caught my husband of two years (father of our two sons) cheating. This is the fourth time I’ve caught him. The first time was just after our older son was born, 18 months ago. Our second baby is just 3 months old.

Every time this happens, he claims he has been hacked.

I have staggering evidence every time that the pictures and the conversations are genuine — they contain things only he would know. But he is always able to show me some proof that he was hacked.

I always choose to believe him, because cheating doesn’t even match his behavior or personality, but eventually I look again, and there it is — all over again.

When I confront him, he deletes Facebook and beefs up the security on his phone, although he never lets me see it.

Even if I choose to believe him, is it right for him to hide his phone activity from me when this is a recurring issue?

Conflicted and Hurt

Dear Conflicted: Your husband doesn’t seem to be effective in preventing these so-called breaches to his security. If Facebook is being hacked over and over again, simply deleting and then reinstalling the app isn’t going to fix things. (And why do these hacks always bring other people sliding into his mentions?)

In short, no — I don’t believe him.

You have two very young children. Yes, trust is a choice. If it is best for you to trust your husband in order to stay in a relationship with him, then you will continue to trust him. However, merely believing his lame explanations does not make your partnership healthy or whole.

The way to recover from cheating (or handle unfounded accusations of cheating) is through complete transparency. He should show you his phone whenever you want to see it, instead of denying the obvious and then gaslighting you.

My favorite book on infidelity contains insight into this relationship dynamic, as well as tools for healing. Read “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass (2004, Atria Books).

Comments

[conuly]

This dude already is bullshitting his wife about the cheating, and doing it badly. He doesn't care enough to hide his infidelity, and he clearly doesn't think much of his wife's brains.

If she starts checking his phone he's going to spin this to everybody - their family, their friends, his girlfriends, and yes, her - as "she's controlling, she's paranoid, she's jealous" and people will fall all over themselves to reassure him that he doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I'd recommend couples therapy, but I don't think that's going to do much good either. He's practically rubbing her nose in the affairs as it is. If he cared about her feelings even a little, he'd put the bare minimum effort into hiding them, but he doesn't.

She should leave him, period.

[sciatrix]

Yep. And for the love of god, do not continue having children with this man. Now is the time to see to birth control in as ironclad as possible a way until you are safely divorced and separated from him. (I don't know if that second kid was planned or not, or how much control she has over her own fertility, or what, but getting pregnant so quickly after the first kid and just after discovering your husband cheating on you in the wake of giving birth to your first one? Holy hell these are some red flags that tell me she needs to get away from this dude yesterday.)

[cereta]

Yep. Choosing to believe him has already gone out the window. She made say the words, but she doesn't feel the feelings. She doesn't believe him, and hasn't for a while. And no marriage in which one person's behavior is contingent on another person's constant monitoring of that behavior is going to succeed. It just won't. She needs to get out now while she still has a chance of building a life apart from him, and before his children are old enough to want to borrow Daddy's phone to play a game in the car.