Dear Prudence: Help! My Boyfriend’s Mom Keeps Telling Me I Need to Dress More “Ladylike"

[lilysea]

Dear Prudie: I am 23 and straight, but I have very short hair and not a single skirt or dress in my closet.

More than a few times, I had my sexuality questioned from my lack of commitment to regular femininity. I am not gay, just physically active and lazy in my grooming habits. (I never wear anything more than lipstick.)

I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I thought I had packed to impress: sparkly earrings and a pink cardigan. But it wasn't enough. My boyfriend's mother was aghast that I wore nice dress pants to church rather than a skirt. She also made comments that I must have been a tomboy growing up or had a lot of brothers. (I have all sisters and was addicted to romance novels as a teen). Since then, my boyfriend's mother has emailed me a few times about getting together for other family events, and we exchanged recipes.

But she always adds little details like “We should go shopping together and get you looking ladylike" or sends me pictures of dresses and telling me I would “look darling” in them. I know she means well and she has not been anything other than sweet to me, but all the sartorial advice is getting under my skin. It feels petty to tell my boyfriend his mother wants to redo my wardrobe, I just need a script on how to deflect her. Help me!

—Not That Kind of Lady

Oh, she sounds like a treat. I think it’s fine to mention this to your boyfriend—not because it’s time for him to run interference on your behalf, but just so he’s aware of the dynamic and can back you up if you have to repeat yourself with her.

You can stress that it’s not, you know, emotionally destructive, but that it’s getting to be tiresome and that you’re going to politely tell her to stop. For a lot of this, I think cheerfully disagreeing up to the point of playing a little bit dumb is just fine: “No, I don’t have any brothers.” “Funny, no one’s ever considered me a tomboy before.” “What a great color! I don’t wear dresses myself, and it’s not to my taste, but I’m sure someone else would look lovely in it.” “That’s sweet of you to suggest, but I look exactly as ladylike as I want to.”

If that doesn’t register with her, and she keeps it up, I think you can be a bit more direct: “You often mention wanting to change my wardrobe, but I wish you wouldn’t. While I certainly want to dress appropriately for something like church, I’m not a fan of dresses and skirts, and I don’t plan on changing what I wear to seem more ladylike.

I hope you get to dress exactly the way you want and enjoy it immensely, and I’ll do the same.” (Also, for what it’s worth, I think having short hair/wearing lipstick/owning sparkly earrings and cardigans is hardly “lazy,” and you don’t have to apologize for it just because some other women groom themselves differently!)

—Prudence

Comments

[rosefox]

I've been reading too much Ask a Manager, because my first thought was "do you live someplace where gender expression is a protected characteristic?".

I think tying it to "I hope you get to dress the way you want" is wise—maybe the boyfriend's mother will realize that she does get to do that and so should everyone else, or she'll realize that she doesn't like wearing skirts either and let the LW liberate her from them.

[edenfalling]

If LW wears lipstick, that's already more commitment to performative femininity than I've ever managed!

The only person I've ever encountered who took that much interest in my wardrobe is my aunt, who is into fashion and bargain-hunting and likes to buy clothes for family members. The script I used on her was basically, "Thank you for thinking of me when you saw this [article of clothing]. It's not something I'd personally wear, but it's a very nice [article of clothing]. I'm sure somebody else will enjoy it a lot." Sometimes I'd elaborate a little with, "I like clothes that are more [pick a characteristic]. What do you like most about this [article of clothing]?" and see if I could use that information to steer her to things that she found attractive/interesting but that also fit my own aesthetic.

[watersword]

This boyfriend's mom sounds exhausting.

[cereta]

Wow, yeah. Long story redacted, but suffice to say: I know what it's like to have a relationship with someone who is constantly trying to change you (like, change something fundamental about you), and at best, it's uncomfortable. Honestly, I think I would ask boyfriend for advice on this. He should have some idea of whether this is common behavior and how others handle it.

[monanotlisa]

I am familiar with this phenonemon, and it's annoying as fuck.

FWIW, it must be the worst for actually straight people, but it still drives me nuts, because some of the lesbianist lesbians I know are very femme. How hard is it to just let people perform gender in just the way it suits them?