Extinguishing a bully

[movingfinger]

Dear Miss Manners: We have a family member, a 57-year-old woman, who is, to put it bluntly, a tyrant. She heaps verbal abuse on people, says intentionally cruel things, and rarely attends a family gathering without making someone cry.

No one has said anything to her because she is so overbearing that everyone else is afraid of her.

At a family barbecue, she began berating my 87-year-old mother. My son, who is 16, apparently had had enough, because he picked up a bucket of water that happened to be handy and threw it in her face. She stood there stunned for a moment and then left. Several people cheered as she did so.

My husband and I disagree on what should happen next. I don't think a 16-year-old boy should be throwing buckets of water at a 57-year-old woman, no matter how provoked, and that he should apologize. My husband says that he did what one of the adults in the family should have done long ago, and the way to deal with bullies is by standing up to them.

I agree that part of the problem is that the adults in the family should have acted years ago, but that still doesn't excuse a teenager abusing an elder. What do you think?


Miss Manners writes: It never fails to amaze Miss Manners that many people who are against rudeness are in favor of violence. As many of your relatives have signaled their approval of this way of settling scores, you should probably bring a towel to the next family gathering.

Your dissent seems to be based on the relative ages of the combatants. Miss Manners agrees that respect for elders is important, but is your only lesson to your son going to be to attack someone of his own age? And what if the next bully he faces is the same age but physically stronger than he?

There are other ways to stand up to bullies. Your son could have achieved the same effect by saying firmly, “I won’t let you talk to my grandmother that way,” or, considering that he was addressing a repeat offender, a rousing, “How dare you talk that way to my grandmother?”

When you explain tactics to your son, you should also commend him for coming to her defense. But yes, he should apologize — not just to his drenched victim, but to the entire family for his action. But he can add that he will not stand for bullying.

Comments

[rosefox]

I don't disagree with Miss Manners's conclusions, but I hate her snarky "Bring a towel!" intro.

[lemonsharks]

Miss Manners seems to be under the impression that speaking firmly to Aunty Shitheel would have done anything - which I doubt.I agree with Dad on this one --- that son did the right thing and should be rewarded.

[ambyr]

I do think the parents need to have a talk with the teen, because physical assault is not a great tactic for solving problems. The problem is, he's not in a position to implement the correct tactic--which, in this case, would have been for the adults involved in hosting family events to stop inviting the known bully to attend in the first place.

So yeah. Apologies should happen. But I think it's the teen who's owed an apology--by the adults in his life, for not exercising their adult responsibilities. "Throwing water on Aunt Bully was wrong, and I hope you understand why you shouldn't do things like that in the future. But ultimately it's our fault for letting our conflict avoidance put you in that position. We apologize for that, and we're taking steps to prevent it from happening again."

[cimorene]

This.

There is no "correct" and effective action for a child to take against an abuser he's being exposed to by all the adults who should be expected to protect him from abusers. Consequently, he probably hit a pretty good point on the scale between "asking politely" and physical violence in a way that wasn't harmful to the victim (although of course it could be more harmful to some people in some situations, which is why it's obviously not okay as a rule).

[movingfinger]

Your solution is far better than the hierarchy-reinforcing, bully-tolerating solution Miss Manners offered! The adults need to step up and behave responsibly, setting an example for everyone.

I agree with rosefox that Miss Manners undermines their own advice with that sneering "bring a towel" line.

[ayebydan]

This. Seems the young man stepped in when no one else would; he has just not gone about it the best way.

Plus, the rest of the family cheered his actions on which says a lot about this family.

[minoanmiss]

Well said!

[cadenzamuse]

SO MUCH THIS

[cereta]

I would agree that the teen's actions were not appropriate, but I wouldn't demand that my kid apologize to someone who has been acting, to put it mildly, inappropriately for a while. I might have the kid apologize to the hosts of the gathering, but frankly, if I had been letting this woman berate my elderly mother, to say nothing of her past record of making people cry, without at the very least absenting myself and my family from gatherings she was invited to, I think I would owe my kid an apology for letting things get that far.

[azurelunatic]

And Aunt Jackass should have many apologies to make before she's allowed into another family gathering.

[staranise]

I kind of get the sense the incident described is the tip of an Unhealthy Family Dynamics iceberg.

[azurelunatic]

Yup.

[conuly]

Why the heck do these people keep going to gatherings where this woman is invited?

[fred_mouse]

I suspect the kind of family dynamics that mean if you don't turn up, you are automatically the one at fault, even if it is to avoid Aunt of Doom.

[ayebydan]

I abhor the idea that age means anyone is deserving of respect on some sort of reverse age scale. Sometimes our 'elders' are wrong and ridiculous and that should be pointed out. If someone is older and still acting in this way then frankly they are old enough to know better. I am sick of younger generations being shamed for calling out bs from old people.

[cereta]

Yeah, I'm kind of wondering what would have happened if the kid in question would have responded verbally to the relative,or even shouted at her. I have a bad feeling the kid would still have been scolded for being "disrespectful" anyway.

[minoanmiss]

Me too. Ugh.