My Friend Keeps Shoving a Pacifier in Her 4-Year-Old’s Mouth

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Let me start out by saying I am not a parent. I generally believe that it is not OK to judge someone’s parenting methods. I realize that, barring neglect or abuse, I as a nonparent have no room to do so. But …

One of my friends drives me batty sometimes. She absolutely insists that her almost–4-year-old daughter will not give up her pacifier, and that it’s such a struggle. Mind you, I am not around them often. But when I am, I, no exaggeration, never, ever see the girl cry, or even ask, for the pacifier, yet my friend will just pop it her mouth, or call out, “Here honey, I have your passy!” while the girl is otherwise engaged. It’s not even like she is crying and can’t be calmed down. The girl accepts it, but was totally fine without it. It gets under my skin so much, because the girl is too old for a pacifier, and yet my friend is not only doing nothing about it but actually encouraging this habit. I pretty much know this is rhetorical, because my friend wouldn’t accept any advice from me anyway, since I’m not a parent, but is there anything I can say?

—Biting My Tongue

Dear BMT,

Your friend has fashioned a rod for her own back. The next time she says something about her daughter not giving it up, say, “Really? I’ve never seen her ask for it. You usually just offer,” and then she’ll be annoyed with you and nothing will change.

Or say nothing. Probably that’s the answer. I want to validate your feelings while also agreeing that you can’t actually accomplish anything here. In a year this child will be in kindergarten and I will bet $1,000 she will no longer be using a pacifier.

Have a lovely week.

Comments

[conuly]

Geez, the things people get worked up about.

Potential long-term consequences of pacifier use: a. other kids tease her - that doesn't seem to be happening, so whatever.

b. she eventually needs braces - that might happen anyway, and BMT isn't gonna be the one footing the bill, so again, whatever.

c. she might, idk, get statistically more ear infections than she otherwise would have? maybe?

Yeah, it's a little weird that Mom is pushing pacifier use on her daughter... and then blaming her daughter for it... but unless it's part of a whole campaign of infantilizing her child it's really not that big a deal. People who have the standing to talk about it: Kid's dad, kid's daycare provider, kid's kindy teacher next year, kid's doctor, anybody whom the parents have asked for help, kid.

[rmc28]

My first thought was the parent might be picking up on cues the non-parent friend isn't and providing the pacifier before the child actually gets worked up without it. Or she might just be imagining said cues and in denial about it.

Either way, if the friend actually responds to one of her "oh I just can't get Child to give up the pacifier" by saying "that's not what I see", that'll be useful information. If it's the former, well being *slower* to respond to cues that the pacifier is wanted can be a way to gently ease off using it (like switching to "never offer, never refuse" for gently reducing breastfeeding), and if it's the latter, getting an external viewpoint may help.

I would prefer a friend of mine say something, if I'm complaining about a thing and they aren't seeing it, or they are actually seeing me contribute to it. I might not like it in the moment, but I'd appreciate being told. Also I don't like that "my friend wouldn't accept any advice from me anyway, since I'm not a parent" because I don't write off my non-parent friends like that.

[cadenzamuse]

Yeah this feels like...not a thing that's worth writing an advice columnist about? I know people have random parenting pet peeves--I do too!--but unless it's legitimately a problem (this is not!) the answer is grin and bear it. And/or I think the LW can say something once, and see if the mom finds the data helpful or not, and then DROP IT.

I do think the LW was hoping for a broader discussion about what non-parents can offer by way of advice to parent friends? The answer I have is the more physical help you give (babysitting, engaging child even when parents are around, potentially even correcting child when parents are around), the more advice I'll accept. And/or the more experience you have with children. I regularly call my SIL who was a daycare teacher for years for advice, or my special ed teacher friend, or my pediatrician SIL...I also listen to advice from friends that are close enough to bounce lots of problem-solving off of, but I'm guessing that is not how the LW's friendship works or they would already have said something in passing.

[fox]

As the parent of a kid who is angelic about 95% of the time and who exhibits a range of difficult behaviors in the other 5%, my view is that LW doesn't know what a kid who isn't crying or asking for a pacifier now might do or say or need an hour from now when she, the LW, has left and mom and kid are alone. If offering her the paci before she asks for it means she won't descend into a sobbing eddy of inability to self-soothe when she realizes she wants it and doesn't have it, then yeah, she hasn't given it up and mom is right to give it to her proactively.

signed,
I'm still only about 60-40 on recognizing when it's time for morning snack before it's too late

[cereta]

Well, I'm a parent who will be paying for an orthodontist because we let nighttime pacifier use go on until about 4, but I still probably wouldn't say anything unless the parent were a very good friend, and even then, it would only be to commiserate and share a strategy. Considering that I finally had to flat-out tell my mom not to bring it up anymore, I'm not going to get on someone else's case.

[fox]

I sucked my thumb until I was six. My brother never needed anything in his mouth at all. He had braces for most of his teenage years. I finally had to do braces on my bottom teeth in my 30's for TMJ reasons, and when I told him, he said "But your teeth were always so straight" - and I could hear the silent followup "damn you." I wouldn't count on a causal relationship between the nighttime pacifier use then and the orthodontia now.

[cereta]

Well, the dentist has basically said that's probably what caused her malocclusion, so...I'm not beating myself up about it or anything. If that's the worst that ever happens because of a decision we made, I'll count myself very, very fortunate.